


Don't Let Me Get Too Deep

by Taste_of_Suburbia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Arguing, Bonding, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dean/OC - Freeform, Denial of Feelings, Drama, Falling In Love, Families of Choice, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Grace Bonds, Grace Sharing, Guilt, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Blood and Gore, Murder, Mutual Pining, Protective Gabriel, Protective Sam Winchester, Romance, Slow Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, debriel minibang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 78,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2308181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_of_Suburbia/pseuds/Taste_of_Suburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Gabriel’s sacrifice, Dean can’t stop thinking or dreaming about him. When a hunt goes wrong, the archangel reveals himself not only to be alive, but also with the startling news that Dean is his charge. As if that weren’t enough, he claims that he accidentally grace-bonded with Dean while saving his life. It must be an accident too, because Dean knows there’s no way Gabriel would want anything to do with him if he had his own way. Full of self-loathing and guilt, Dean spends the next several months denying his complex relationship with Gabriel. Yet even when Dean accepts the archangel as both his guardian and his bond-mate, there are some who will do anything to dissect their bond and others who will stop at nothing to rip them apart in order to kick-start the apocalypse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gone Away Again

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [Debriel Mini Bang.](http://debriel-mini.livejournal.com/) I have been wanting to write for this bang for years now because Debriel is my OTP, but it wasn't until this year that I finally got up the guts to sign up. I amazed myself for not only sticking with it, but for writing a story that's over 70,000 words. I am so thrilled that I was able to take part and even more thrilled with how it all turned out. 
> 
> The beautiful art featured at the start and end of the story was made by the amazing [uke-sama,](http://uke-sama-sensei.livejournal.com/) please go check out her [journal](http://uke-sama-sensei.livejournal.com/2220.html) to give the pieces some love. I also could not have done it without my awesome beta, [necrora,](http://necrora.livejournal.com/) whose dedication really stunned me and who I cannot thank enough for all their help. 
> 
> The story title comes from the song ‘What I Am’ by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians. I also created a playlist with all the songs featured in the chapters, which is located [here.](http://grooveshark.com/#!/playlist/Don+t+Let+Me+Get+Too+Deep+Soundtrack/98188405)
> 
> Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Ashes of Soma’s ‘Behind the 8-Ball.’

 

* * *

 

_~What is this you came to see?_

_What would I be in your eyes?_

_Tell me what you think of me~_

* * *

_Come back to me, I’ll be better this time around._

It’s funny how he misses someone he never thought he cared about in the first place.

Dean taps his fingers on the wheel to try to distract himself, even though virtually nothing could distract him. He shouldn’t be thinking about him, and he’s trying to deny that he is but he’s not successful so far. Sam suspects something, and although it would be a far stretch for him to guess where his older brother’s currently driving to, the sympathetic and slightly pained look always lingering on his face makes Dean think that maybe he does know, right at this very minute, ready to tackle Dean about it the very moment he let’s his guard down.

As if Sam can tell him how he feels, that it’s okay to be feeling whatever the hell he’s feeling.

It’s really not his fault that he’s probably been mumbling the archangel’s name in his sleep, that he loses track of time when he’s in the shower and doesn’t remember anything past thinking about Gabriel dying. His fingernails dig into the tile wall, slipping on the long gone cold water, trying to pull himself together, and Sam shouts at him from the other side of the door, asking whether he’s okay.

It’s all he can do not to completely lose it, not to flat out tell Sam that all he ever thinks about anymore is Gabriel and how the only person he can blame is himself. That the only thing he can regret is not stopping him, not telling him that he meant more to Dean than Dean had realized. He wants to scream at Sam that yes, he misses Gabriel, and to just lay off him already.

He opens his mouth though, and no words come out other than ‘I’m fine’ and ‘lemme alone, alright?’

Dean turns the radio up louder, trying to drown out his thoughts with Metallica. Sam’s not with him for this, but there’s a full bottle of Jack Daniels on the seat beside him and that should be enough, yet somehow he can’t bring himself to reach over and grasp onto it or look at it like the lifeline it is on a daily basis.

There’s hope on the long, winding road before him, he can see it as palpably as the hot, summer sun partially blinding him on the left side. He’ll use that as a lifeline right now, not booze.

The hotel has been hard to track down, but if Dean listens to his instincts it still exists. It’s not the way it was before though, the one he and Sam had stumbled upon that night, its uncomfortable silence and out of place lavishness not putting him on edge until after his stomach was filled. It’s a wreck now, sun filtering in through the cracked windows and dust floating around thickly, so thick it seems to suck all the oxygen out of the air and cause him to cough. He picks his way through the bare remains, glass crunching under his boots and hands turning the doorknobs slowly, walking into empty rooms with nothing less than disappointment.

“Gabriel!”

He won’t find him here, he already knows that. Dean doesn’t even know why he wants to see _him_ , but he’s here nonetheless and there has to be some sort of decent and not completely ridiculous explanation. It would be just like Gabriel to pop out from behind one of these doors and grab his attention, but the longer Dean remains here the clearer it becomes that that isn’t going to happen.

Dean doesn’t know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or curse at his involvement in the archangel’s death. Sure, Gabriel will never be able to torment Sam again, never be able to kill him for kicks again, but Gabriel not being here - in his life - seems wrong somehow.

“Come on, Gabriel!” He’s already been here for too long, long enough for darkness to fall around him and for him to be sure of one thing and one thing alone.

Gabriel really is gone for good.

He gets back in his baby and tries not to slam the door shut behind him, only partially succeeding. He’s angry at himself, at driving all the way out to the middle of nowhere when he knew full well there would be nothing left. But he’s even angrier at Gabriel for not humoring him, for having to go and die without saying a proper goodbye, for getting Dean’s hopes up back then - all those devious winks and Gabriel always staring at him at completely inappropriate moments and of course at incredibly inappropriate areas of his body, as if trying to get a rise out of him - and shattering them completely tonight.

The hunter’s completely and utterly defeated on the drive back to their current shitty motel. He doesn’t want to face Sam but he has no choice, no choice but to look him in the eye and tell him the truth before Sam throws it in his face. He’s been doing this for months and he can’t do it anymore, not on just three hours of restless sleep for as long as he can remember, and too many hunts and barely enough food and far too many occasions of Sam’s puppy dog eyes, pleading him to let him in.

He parks on the side of the road for the night, reaches across the seat and grasps the bottle, taking a long drink out of it before settling it between his legs. What the hell, there’s no reason for him not to drink now.

* * *

 

_I’m never coming back. Somehow, you always knew that._

Sam is sitting in a chair by the door in a darkened room when he gets back. Dean can just about make out his lowered head and hunched shoulders in the moonlight before Dean flips the lights on, putting the bottle on the table and pushing it towards Sam.

His little brother just stares at it for a few seconds before looking up at him. “Where’d you go, Dean?”

His voice is so soft that Dean can barely hear him, and he finds pretty quickly that he can’t face him like this, can’t possibly do _this_ tonight. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs, licking his lips a little nervously. “Nowhere, Sam. Just went for a drive.”

“For four hours?” Sam looks angry for a split second before he clears his face of any trace of anger and glances up at Dean, begging him again to just open up, as if his brother ever has. “We promised to stop hiding things from one another, and you’re hiding something from me, Dean. I know you are.”

“What do you want me to tell you, Sam? That yes, I’ve been lying to you? Well, so did you once upon a time when you decided to run around behind my back with that demon skank.”

Sam throws him a half hurt and half furious look before he stands up and gets right into Dean’s personal space. “Look... I don’t want to argue, Dean. I just want you to let me help you.” Dean licks his lips again, trying to back away from Sam’s unyielding body but finding he only has the wall behind him. He should have known better than to slide anything past his incredibly nosy little brother. “Dean,” Sam starts, bending down in order to grab Dean’s attention and look in his eyes. He smiles a little, trying to reassure him as if he’s seriously scared Dean will bolt when he doesn’t even think he’ll be able to get around Sam. He hates this, wonders why the hell he even got out of bed this morning with the stupid fucking notion to go back to Elysian Fields and find a Gabriel who’s nothing but long gone. “Is it Gabriel? Is that whom the nightmares are about?”

“Lemme alone,” Dean breathes out, trying not to make it sound so desperate. Sam’s voice is incredibly gentle, but he doesn’t deserve it. He deserves Sam getting angry at him, Sam hitting him so hard he can’t draw a decent breath, Sam telling him how stupid and worthless he is.

“No,” Sam says, his massive hands holding Dean’s arms in place, continuing to look at him and not letting Dean pull away in any way, shape or form. He’s screwed. “Tell me the truth, Dean. You’ve been saying his name in your sleep and in the shower for weeks now.” He places one hand under Dean’s chin and tips his head up, smiling again, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“You don’t know anything about it, Sam.”

“Then tell me,” Sam pushes. “You’ve been so out of it lately, just tell me.” Dean can’t deny that; he hasn’t had his head in the game for research or hunting lately, leaving much of it to Sam. He just can’t focus after what’s happened, not even on preventing the impending end of life as they know it.

“We don’t have time to worry about this shit. Not with the apocalypse brewing.”

“We’ll make time, Dean.”

“Okay, alright,” Dean gives in. “It’s Gabriel, that what you wanted to hear?” With that, Sam finally backs away and allows Dean enough space to breathe. Dean sits down wearily and reaches for the bottle, only to have it be snatched away from him to find its way into Sam’s paws. “Are you serious?”

“Not until you tell me more,” Sam confirms and laughs when Dean sulks for a split second. “Come on, just give me something else and I’ll let you drink yourself to death if you want.”

“I just might have to after this,” Dean admits, staring at the bottle longingly before sighing and giving in. “Okay, the nightmares have been pretty rough lately.”

Sam’s brows knit together to show his concern, “I’ve noticed.” He pours a drink and slides it across the small, round table to his brother. Dean shakily takes it and swallows it down and he immediately feels better. When Sam pushes him again it’s easier this time. “And they’re of Gabriel dying, right?”

“Yeah,” Dean breathes in and then breathes out, “over and over. I mean, hell, I didn’t even see it and I don’t even know if the dream’s real. But it feels real.”

Dean doesn’t even realize Sam poured him another drink until he’s wrapping Dean’s fingers around the glass. “Go ahead, drink.” Dean obeys, realizing this is the first time his brother has ever supported his habit. “You need it, dude,” Sam explains, a look of understanding in his eyes and Sam nods at him, coaxing him to keep talking. He doesn’t realize how utterly exhausted Dean is, how he doesn’t think he can stay awake for another minute, let alone talk.

“Sam....”

Sam asks hesitantly, “Did he...?”

Dean does a double take, “Hell no, Sam. He didn’t do or say anything to me. I just feel something pulling at me, tugging so hard I feel like it’s tearing me apart, and I can’t figure it out.”

“Maybe he really is back, maybe it’s one of his tricks.”

Dean suddenly feels very uneasy. He knows that Sam is trying to be helpful, trying to take some of the burden off of him, but so far it isn’t working. “Maybe, but I don’t think so, Sammy. Think this is something else.”

The confusion on Sam’s face is painful to take in. “Like what?”

The older Winchester sits down on the bed, dropping his head in his hands and trying not to notice how Sam gets up and follows him, dragging the bottle along with him. “Damned if I know. I just want the nightmares to stop.”

There are a few seconds of silence before Sam sits down on the bed beside him, and there’s an even longer pause until his baby brother wraps an arm around him. “It’ll be okay, you’ll see....” Dean shrugs out of his hold and gets up to pace, not looking at Sam because he knows Sam’s more than just worried, maybe even a little panicked and Dean can’t face that right now. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out together.”

That’s what Dean’s afraid of.

* * *

 

_Don’t get all choked up over me, kiddo. Believe me, I’m not worth it..._

Dean wakes up and immediately puts an arm over his face, shielding it from the sunlight pouring in from the window. He groans loudly in protest, though after a few minutes pulls his arm away and takes a glance at the digital clock, big red numbers taunting him: 12:30. Sam let him sleep extra late, something that doesn't make sense. He should have been up hours ago, no excuses, but Sam walking in through the door with an armful of coffee and donuts has his mouth watering and his confusion dissipating.

Sam looks over at him and throws him a tired sorta smile, it’s too nice and it’s too gentle and it’s setting him on edge. “Morning, dude. Slept late myself, so I’m not quite in the mood yet for lunch. There’s a burger place down the street that we can check out later though.” Dean nods, yawns and gets out of bed, grabbing a donut out of the box before he heads into the bathroom.

The shower is long and hot but Sam doesn’t complain, he only looks up from his newspaper and stares at Dean carefully as he sits down and chows down on another donut. Dean pretends not to notice it until Sam puts the paper down, “Thought we’d go out today. See the sights, maybe do a little shopping considering most of my clothes are wrecked from that last hunt.”

Dean sighs heavily, “Fine.”

The reaction is instantaneous, “Dude, what’s your problem? I’m trying to get your mind off of shit and you’d rather hang out in this dump?”

He was really tired of arguing and really sick of not having nice digs for a change, maybe a room without a lumpy bed or a shower that still had hot water left after Sam got to it first. Or maybe actually a room big enough that Sam couldn’t purposely invade his space as often as he did. But no, Dean has never gotten what he wants and he never will. So no, he doesn’t really want to stay here in this shitty room with Sam breathing down his neck in this incredibly confined space, but he also doesn’t feel like freaking _shopping_ either.

“No,” he admits, “I’d rather hunt.”

Sam gets up from the table and runs his hands through his overgrown hair at that in nothing less than complete frustration. As if Dean isn’t frustrated and being driven up a wall enough by Gabriel haunting him in his sleep and Sam looking at him like he’s the one experiencing it. “Well, I hate to break it to you, Dean, but you’re really not in a fit state to hunt.”

Dean growls at him, “I said fine so we’ll go out okay?” Might as well do what Sam wants instead of sitting around the table and talking about how he feels and all that crap. So they leave and they hit the town, Dean feeling under the weather but determined to get his mind off of one particular archangel. It’s over and done with now, after last night there’s nothing left to say or do.

Barely two hours later and they’ve stumbled onto a case; it’s a good thing too, cause Dean was just about to blow his brains out with Sam pushing him into fitting rooms with piles of clothes and rolling his eyes when he walks out with nothing. With every growl he gave Sam would back off, but he would just keep on pushing and pushing until Dean practically wanted to kiss the girl who gave them a few reasons to check out the town in more depth. Small towns usually had big secrets, Dean had come across plenty of those instances before, but this town seemed nothing like that. Sam had picked it out and it seemed quaint and homey more than anything, someplace he could maybe retire from the life someday.

Too bad he would never live to see that day, but he’d be damned if he didn’t keep Sam alive long enough for _Sam_ to live it.

Dean trails along with Sam to do research at the local library but inevitably separates to cover more ground, letting Sam question those who knew the deceased while he heads off to the remarkably small sheriff’s office. Johnny, the deputy, is incredibly helpful and almost immediately makes Dean laugh. The two of them just hit it off immediately, so suddenly that Dean can hardly believe it. He spends far more time with the guy than he actually means to, and he only breaks away when his phone rings.

“Sam?”

“Yeah. Victim’s wife says he was having an affair. But I talked to Sal’s supposed mistress and I don’t know, Dean. It doesn’t seem like they were together, just friends or something.”

Whatever it was, Sal had to have something in common with the other two victims: middle-aged men who were killed in strange ways, one by being run over with his own car while he was drunk - allusion to drunk driving? - and the other trampled to death by a horde of angry and oddly, high, kids. Sal was found with head separated from body and a love note stapled to his chest. Maybe the connection was that all the guys were dicks?

Dean turns back to look at Johnny through the window, who seems to be caught up in his own work. He turns away again, “Well, some relationships are just weird. Maybe they only slept together once and the wife found out about it and thought it was a regular thing.”

Sam thinks it over for so long that Dean thinks he’s hesitating. “Yeah, maybe.” Dean can sense that there’s something his brother’s not telling him, but Sam hurries up the conversation before Dean can get it out of him. “Okay, well, I’ll look into the other victims, then call you later.” The phone goes dead then, and Dean stands there wondering why the hell Sam would keep something from him.

He walks back to Johnny and stares at the article on the screen. “Maybe we’ve missed something,” the deputy explains. Dean doesn’t look at him, only continues to stare hard at the screen, pushing himself to keep on reading the text and searching the picture for one small detail. He runs it all over in his head and he still can’t figure it out, and worse than that he keeps getting distracted but Sam’s altogether too obvious hesitation.

Dean remains in the office of most of the night, picking Johnny’s brain and continuing to go through the town’s records, looking more carefully at the two deaths in the several months before the current one, convinced there must be some similarity between the three. His phone rings and Johnny’s talking to him, trying to tell him something but Dean is running over too many things in his head, and he finally pulls his eyes away from the screen and leans over on the third ring.

His mouth opens, but darkness descends before he can say a word.

* * *

 

_Gabriel... No, wait. I’m supposed to be calling for Sam. Yeah... Sammy?_

Dean wakes up for the third time in twenty minutes in complete agony. His head is on fire and something is wrapped so tightly around his wrists that he wouldn’t be surprised if the blood flow there hasn’t been cut off completely, but he’s probably just disoriented. He tries to steady his breathing, tries not to panic, but even though he’s been in this position plenty of times it doesn’t get any better than the last time and the time before that. It’s so dark that he has no freaking idea where he is and what happened, he can’t even remember anything past talking to Johnny.

“You were supposed to be out for another hour or so. Sorry about your head, man.” _Johnny._ He should have known better, should have known by the way they instantly clicked, should have seen behind his fake smile and his willingness to help. The second Dean Winchester trusts anyone, he just gets stabbed in the back.

“So what?” Dean spits out a mouthful of blood and tries to move, but a wave of mind-numbing pain almost causes him to black out again. He stills instantly and accepts that he just won’t be able to move his head to see him. He hates it, but there’s not much he can do. “You been the one who’s been killing those unfortunate bastards?”

“Me? Oh, you flatter me, Dean. Really, you do. I have to tell you, I took an instant liking to you the second you came in through my door and said hello. Your brother wasn’t so easy, I guess you could say he saw right through me. Not that you’re any less of a person, you’re just... easier, I guess,” he laughs and Dean seethes.

“If you did anything to him....”

“Relax.” Johnny leans down and Dean can feel his breath on his cheek when he speaks. It’s a wonder he can feel anything at this point considering how much pain he’s in. _Sammy_ \- he’s got to get out of here and get to Sammy. “Your brother’s fine, currently out looking for you actually. Too bad he’ll never find you.”

The sole light bulb flickers in the room at that, and Dean has to force himself to stay still and not instinctively glance up. The deputy doesn’t even seem to notice it and saunters slowly in front of Dean. “No, I didn’t kill those bastards. Didn’t have the guts to, then, but clearly someone did. And that’s where you come in, Dean. You and your brother just had to stick your noses in where they don’t belong. Those three deserved to die, especially Sal, always lying, always breaking his promises. All of them, cheating and stealing and just wanting more and more and more until they would hurt just about anyone to get what they wanted. It was their time.”

Dean spits out another mouthful of blood and unfortunately can only stare at Johnny’s legs in contempt, given it feels like his head is being split open by an ax if he tries to look up. “Killing is killing, asshole. People do bad things, they make mistakes, but it doesn’t mean they deserve to die. Who are you, who is anyone to decide when a person lives and when a person dies?”

“Justifying your own actions now, huh? Cause isn’t that what you do, decide who needs to be killed and then go dish it out to them? You’re no better, Dean. You and your kind think they’re so self-righteous, think you’re better just cause you have the power to take a life. Why do you deserve to live, given all the mistakes you’ve made, all the innocent people you’ve dragged into your life and gotten killed?” Dean swallows hard at that, he doesn’t want to die like this, doesn’t want to die in here with this asshole. “I thought you were different, but hunters need to be put down just like Sal and the others. You think about it and you’re as bad as the monsters out there are, if not worse.” Dean hears a click and still doesn’t look up; he can’t black out, he has to stare his own death in the face and accept it. “It’s the end of the line, Winchester.”

The light bulb flickers again, much more noticeably this time, and then it starts to shake erratically and Johnny lowers his gun and turns around. “What the fuck?” It’s rattling, the whole room seems to be shaking and Dean can’t look up, even though he needs to see what’s going on, needs to see....

There’s a blinding white light and Dean can hear Johnny screaming, stares at Johhny’s legs in horror while they’re bending and bending before being ripped off and blood spurting everywhere, splashing Dean’s clothes and his face and Dean breathes hard, tries to see more past the blood and the light, tries to tune out the horrible sound of the room shaking, his stomach twisting and his heart leaping up into his throat.

The white light dims and he can see what’s left of Johnny’s body, ripped apart limb from limb, his mouth open in a silent scream. Dean shivers and jumps when he feels someone at his back, undoing the rope painfully wound around his wrists. He knows it’s not Sam, Sam would have talked to him by now and even if he hadn’t, he would recognize his giant paws anywhere. No, these hands are small and hurried, but still gentle as they undo the rope.

“Please,” Dean breathes out.

When his hands are free moments afterward, his head lolls back against the shoulder behind him in exhaustion, unable to care anymore about what the hell’s going on. The presence behind him feels safe and Dean really needs safe right about now. There’s a brief touch to his forehead, and black shifts hurriedly into pale white and the sensation of sheer bliss.

* * *

_And look who's coming now..._

Sam is frantically searching for his brother and growing more frustrated by the minute at gaining no more ground than he had previously. He’s been all over town - bars and back alleys - and his panic is growing more frightening by the second. He’s heading back to the Impala to drive around when a fog settles around him out of nowhere. He stops immediately, turning around desperately in the hopes of seeing something, anything, but especially his brother.

Sam does a double take as the fog begins to clear and his eyes filter in to the image of Gabriel holding his brother in his arms. He’s standing not three feet away, looking at the younger Winchester boy with hesitance and an almost happiness, as relief begins to flood through Sam like a tidal wave. Until he notices that Dean’s not moving.

“Sam,” he smiles, “it’s good to see you again.”

Sam immediately raises his gun upon seeing the state of his brother. The blood clinging to Dean’s clothes and to his hair, the paleness of his features that Sam can see perfectly well from where he’s standing; that’s how well he knows his brother. “Drop my brother,” Sam warns, wanting so desperately to touch Dean, to check for his pulse and make sure he’s still alive, make sure that he hasn’t left him yet.

Gabriel looks down at Dean, “Don’t think you’d really want me to do that, would you?” He gestures down to him, but holds him remarkably still. “Dean-o’s in pretty bad shape here.”

After a moment of terrible indecision, Sam lowers his gun and jams it in his back pocket, taking a step forward. “Can you heal him?”

Gabriel shrugs. “Depends, are you going to deep fry me afterward?”

Sam rolls his eyes and motions for Gabriel to follow him to the Impala. He wants to take Dean into his own arms, but he has no idea what injuries Dean has and doesn’t want to hurt him further. The archangel he had once thought dead seems to know what he’s doing, managing not to jostle his older brother as he moves. Dean stays unconscious and Sam is only partially grateful for that.

“I had a feeling it was you,” he tells Gabriel after he lays Dean down on the back seat and somehow decides it’s okay to join Sam in the front, Sam pulling out of the street quickly and racing towards their motel. “This whole thing reeks of _you_. People getting their just desserts... only Dean could empathize with you there.” Sam’s too preoccupied with the anxiety hovering over him to take care of his brother to look over and gage Gabriel’s reaction. “But you’ve stepped up your game, Gabriel. You’ve started killing people now.”

“No,” Gabriel says immediately. “I’m not killing anyone, someone’s framing me. You know full well that’s not my gig, Winchester.”

Sam thinks it over for a minute and honestly has no reason to believe him; then again, Gabriel just found his brother and saved him so maybe Sam has no reason not to believe him. “What do you want, Gabriel?”

“Nothing. I just want to make sure that Dean’s okay and then I’ll be on my merry way....”

“Your death has been taunting my brother for months, and I realize that I owe you after saving Dean but something has to be done, and maybe, I don’t know, you can help him. He hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep in I don’t know how long.” The confused look Gabriel gives him only makes him more anxious. He shakes his head in disbelief, “You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?”

“No idea, Samsquatch. But if you wanted me to take a look inside Dean-o’s head, all you had to do was ask.”

“I just...,” Sam can’t believe he’s saying this to an archangel, especially _this_ archangel. “I just want him to be okay. He went back to Elysian Fields to look for you and I just don’t understand it if you didn’t push him towards it. It’s not like my brother at all, to get obsessed over _someone_.” Gabriel looks out the window then and Sam glances over at him. “What’s with you? It seems like you’re different.”

“Just sick and tired of running, that’s all.”

Sam snorts, “You sound like my brother. He speeds off into the night with an archangel sitting beside him and an unconscious big brother sprawled across the back seat. Life’s getting too interesting.

* * *

 

_I won’t harm you, little one. One more moment and you will be free, trust me._

Dean wakes up on his stomach, swathed in blankets and with a godawful taste in his mouth. He zones in and out between the dream world and reality, _aching_ to hear that voice again. It had spoken to him last night, when he had pleaded to be left alone; he couldn’t remember it then but he does now. The voice came to him again in his dreams, calming him down when his subconscious turned frantic and desperate for comfort. His body is crying out now as well, even upon waking, pleading with him to find those small hands again so they can bring him back to life.

Dean breathes deeply and starts when Sam’s face hovers in front of his own.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” Sam smooths soft, spiky hair off his brother’s fevered forehead, smiling at Dean’s bed head and his vibrant green eyes, finally open. “Glad to finally see you awake.”

Dean just stares at him, not knowing if he should try talking or not; fortunately, Sam always knows what’s on his mind. “You’ve been in and out for a few days. It was almost like you just didn’t want to wake up.”

Dean swallows, knowing all about that. “Thanks for getting me out, Sammy.”

“Actually....”

There’s a knock on the door and Dean sits up, staring at his brother in shock when he says, “Come in.”

The figure that saunters into the room can’t be who Dean thinks it is, there’s no way in hell, but it is _him_. He would know that vessel anywhere and besides, it _feels_ completely like Gabriel. His entire body is immediately flooded with light and he falls back against the pillows, unable to move, such joy filling his head and his very soul.

“Dean,” Sam looks down at him in surprise, “you okay?”

“Dean-o’s just happy to see me,” Gabriel grins as he confirms what he suspected after his conversation with Sam in the car, “that’s all.” He doesn’t move too close to Dean upon seeing his reaction at his presence, but it isn’t because of the dread of feeling burdened, it is because he cannot contain his own grace at this point, cannot prevent it from losing control if he moves too close. He and Dean seem so connected at this point and there are always consequences. He wouldn’t have come that night if he hadn’t had to, if Dean’s voice hadn’t reached out for him out of the other billions of voices, so strained and so _scared_.

Sam pulls the blankets up over him and strokes his forehead, “Get some more sleep, bro.”

There’s a small smile on Dean’s face that remains even after he closes his eyes and falls asleep, and Sam draws his attention away from him and towards Gabriel. Gabriel knows Sam isn’t an idiot, knows Sam noticed that when the archangel walked into the room Dean seemed to light up and glow like a hundred light bulbs. Gabriel has never seen Dean so happy before, and he realizes how valuable that is and knows that deep down Sam knows it too. “What have you done to him?”

Gabriel shrugs, “Nothing without my knowledge beforehand.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Sam snaps, albeit quietly as he moves away from the bed and closer to Gabriel.

The archangel sighs, “If Dean here has been dreaming about me, as you claim, then I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s my charge.” This was his suspicion, but it hadn’t been confirmed until he had felt the strong tug towards the practically radiating with pure joy Dean. He didn’t want to tell Sam first, knowing it would turn disastrous, but then again, if he could get Sam on his side then maybe he could help to convince Dean of the truth.

Gabriel’s still having trouble facing it himself, but nothing feels more sure than being with Dean.

There’s a long, strained silence as Sam tries to process this new information, information that Gabriel has no doubt is currently turning his whole world upside down. “Your charge? What are you talking about? Dean is Cas’ charge.” He sounds so sure, like he wants to be sure but can’t be.

“It’s rare,” Gabriel responds uneasily, “but some humans throughout time have been fortunate enough to have more than one guardian, someone who essentially looks out for the well-being of their soul.”

Sam looks up at him in sheer loathing and shoves the archangel up against a wall, his menacing face inches from Gabriel’s. “You think this is all some sort of joke, don’t you? If my brother is your charge, then you’re even more of a dick than I thought.”

“I didn’t know, Sam. If I had, I never would have left him.”

“I don’t give a shit,” Sam seethes, “just get out. We’re both better off without you, especially Dean.” Gabriel wants to threaten to break Sam into a thousand pieces, wants to tell him how much of an idiot he is for pushing Gabriel away like this. He doesn’t say a word though because he’s the one who’s in the wrong, he’s the one who abandoned Dean, who didn’t realize....

“When Dean starts calling out my name again, do me a favor and don’t beg me to come back.” Gabriel disappears then, full of rage but more towards himself than Sam. It’s no wonder why he’s felt so drawn to Dean lately, why his grace yanked him towards the human when he called for help. Gabriel couldn’t stop it even if he wanted to, this is entirely out of his control. His protective instincts have just hit the roof and it physically pains _him_ to leave Dean. Not only that, but his lust is also a palpable presence, ignited by just smelling Dean’s specific scent when he’s nearby, let alone looking at him.

He has no doubt that Sam will kill him the second he walks back through the door, but he needs to try to convince him that Dean is much better off with Gabriel around. Maybe it won’t be for the best in the long run, but the only thing he desires now is protecting Dean.

Dean is his charge, his _only_ charge. He never thought he would acquire one, being so reckless and distracted as he was, but even though he has no idea how to treat a charge he needs to tell Dean that he’s there for him if nothing else. He can’t fuck this up. Nothing has ever seemed more important to him as this does.

After he leaves, for days afterward he can feel Dean’s misery in waves, sometimes so fierce it’s all he can do not to go to him. Sam tries to shut it away, takes Dean out hunting, shopping, to eat out, whatever, just so Dean can get his mind off of him, off of the hole in his very soul that’s getting deeper and bigger every day and starts draining the life out of him.

Dean’s tired but he can’t sleep, starving but he can’t eat, depressed but he can’t understand the reason why, and either Gabriel has to abandon him completely or he has to confront him, even with Sam’s threats looming over his head.

He can hear Dean’s desperate _please_ over and over in his head until he can’t take it anymore. Can feel the weight of Dean’s head on his shoulder, his fevered warmth, his giving up after experiencing Gabriel’s grace in perhaps one of the worst ways imaginable.

Gabriel appears in the room when he’s sure that Dean’s gone. He doesn’t know how he’s going to do this, how he’s going to convince Sam, but this is the only thing he knows he needs to do, the only thing that feels _right._

Sam looks up from his laptop and stares at him in shock, “Gabe....”

“I want to be a proper guardian to your brother. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m not doing it for me. I’m doing it for Dean.” There’s a long pause as Sam stares up at him in surprise, though not disbelief, and he allows Gabriel to sit across from him. The archangel leans forward, “I will treat him right, Sam. If I don’t then you can kill me a thousand times over, I deserve that.”

Sam stares at him suddenly as if he understands everything but is stunned nonetheless. “You need him too, don’t you? Your connection must be stronger with him than Cas’ is.”

Gabriel swallows, not knowing what to say to that even though it’s true. With the apparent connection he has with Dean, it almost seems as if the two of them are bond-mates in addition to Dean being his charge. He doesn’t want to think about it too much, knowing he’s way in over his head here, but it’s nice to be here, in a room where he can smell Dean and almost even taste him.

Sam sits back and stares at him carefully, “I’ll give you a trial period, but if you fuck it up then it’s over.”

Gabriel’s chest twists in joy and he smiles.

* * *

 

_Don’t let me waste this chance, father. I’ll make it right._

The following months with Dean and Sam are slow and peaceful, their only bickering coming as a result of hunting and even then, it doesn’t really feel like arguing at all, more like bonding. It’s the last kind of life that Gabriel expected for himself, but Sam and Dean take him in and treat him as family, a helluva lot more than his real brothers did. When he thinks about all the other things he could be doing, he finds out that he longs for nothing.

Even though he knew it was wrong at the time and still does, though feels considerably less guilty about it now, he enters both the Winchester brothers heads and sets up a sole false thought: the deputy who kidnapped Dean was the one who murdered the three victims. It’s pretty easy, considering there was doubt in Dean’s mind beforehand that what Johnny had told him was the truth, considering he was seconds away from killing Dean.

He thinks about erasing Dean’s memory of that night, taking away the blood and the gore and the trauma, but Dean’s head on his shoulder draws him away from that notion, the fact that he doesn’t want Dean to forget that night, forget what Gabriel did for him, what he’ll _always_ do for him.

Gabriel thinks back to when Sam told Dean that he was coming along with them. Dean had looked way beyond confused and even pained at first, but upon seeing Gabriel the misery washed off of him completely and he had to fight to hold himself back, to not jump on top of the archangel and hug him.

Gabriel didn’t even need to take a peek inside Dean’s head to see that he remembered that night Gabriel came back all too well. He went so quiet sometimes, forgetting Gabriel was even there, still in their lives after reuniting. But then he would see in Dean’s eyes in other moments that he believed Gabriel needed to be exactly where he was, and Dean would say or do nothing to purposely drive Gabriel away.

No, he was driving Gabriel away in other ways.


	2. Please, Let's Do It Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Nada Surf’s ‘Do It Again.’

_~Maybe this weight was a gift_

_~Like I had to see what I could lift_

_I spend all my energy walking upright~_

* * *

 

_Let me in. If you don’t, then I’ll leave and I won’t ever come back._

Dean turns away from a potential suspect and glances at Gabriel, who stands a ways from him, talking to Sam and completely oblivious to Dean’s uneasiness. It takes everything he has to look back at the young woman, announcing he’s done, putting on a fake smile as he shoves his notepad in his back pocket and turns back towards the crime scene. There’s blood everywhere, fat drops of it on the sidewalk and a large pool of it where the victim had no doubt collapsed.

He can remember the feel of the blood on his face, dripping down his throbbing cheeks and the bitter taste of it in his mouth, choking him with ease. He can remember feeling like he was going to drown in it.

He jumps back and it’s just another strange case of a woman who apparently was hated by all but her boyfriend. Another incident of a prank gone wrong.

Gabriel and Sam sneak up on him and he nearly jumps when the former speaks, “Sam’s gonna go talk to the boyfriend, and I’m gonna go hit the diner and talk to her coworkers. There should be somebody we can draw out.” Dean swallows thickly at that and nods, tensing when Gabriel’s hand lands on his shoulder.

The archangel knows better, knows what his touch does to Dean, knows about the fire it sends throughout his entire body, causing him to lose track of time. When he comes back again Sam is gone and Gabriel is staring at him knowingly. He knows Gabriel’s hatred of him, his voracious impatience that he tries to tamper down but can’t always. He knows the reasoning behind Gabriel coming along with them, joining in on nearly every hunt as if it’s the best excuse imaginable to keep near Dean.

Dean is Gabriel’s charge, a painful reminder of his past, a thing Gabriel can’t escape from.

If one of these hunts were to just take Dean down, then it would all be so much easier. Gabriel could finally leave, could finally stop feeling so angry and so guilty at his lot in life. Gabriel touches him as if he wants him but it’s not real, it’s just a trick that Dean has to hide and escape from.

“I’ll be at the diner if you want to stop by for lunch later. I’ll even buy you a slice of pie,” Gabriel grins.

 _Just find someway to get rid of me,_ Dean thinks, wishing he had the guts to say it out loud, to give him a reason to leave. Gabriel doesn’t need to be here, he doesn’t need to be anywhere near him, where Dean can taint him and drive him to insanity. _Let this hunt be the last, please._

But the hunt is just as short and successful as nearly all the others, and there are many more after it. Many more that leave him breathless, his head and heart throbbing from what he doesn’t know, eyes burning from the need to sleep and fingers twitching from the naked desire to grasp onto Gabriel and never let him go.

If he does though, he’ll never forgive himself. So he keeps himself awake so as not to lose control, and when he allows himself a small break his sleep is restless and plagued with Johnny being literally ripped apart right in front of him, Gabriel’s eyes glowing in the almost complete darkness.

Gabriel is in the room, sitting at the table doing research. Gabriel is pacing outside, probably wondering just how he should go about strangling Dean in his sleep and how to stop himself from fucking him in the midst of it. He can see the hunger and the _want_ in Gabriel’s eyes just as clearly in the dark as he can during the day, and it scares him more than anything else in the world, terrifies him because of what it could lead to.

Sam knows what’s wrong but he keeps his mouth shut and finds more hunts. He drags Gabriel around with them even if Sam takes a step back after he looks at Dean properly, sees how lost and quiet his brother is.

Gabriel’s destroying him. More than that, Dean’s destroying himself. Dean realizes this as he presses his ear to the door and listens to the furious, hissed whispers coming from the other side. Dean’s trembling without even really realizing it, Gabriel’s grace getting stronger every day, putting up more of a fight for him every day.

“He’s your charge, Gabriel. If I thought it was going to be like this, then I never would have agreed to it. You need to push harder.”

“Pushing is the last thing Dean needs,” Gabriel urges and Dean wonders if he can feel him on the other side of the door; if he’s letting Dean hear this conversation because maybe he needs to hear it, maybe he needs to throw himself into the next hunt and beg for death. “Humans are especially fragile when they take in grace and then reject it, hell, rejection makes me more than just a little cranky too. I’m telling ya right now, if I push him too much then he’s going to break.”

“He’s already breaking!” Sam protests, and Dean can picture himself running his hands through his hair like he always does in times of immense stress. “I can’t take this, Gabriel, this slowly wearing away crap. Either you need to try something else here, or you need to leave.”

“If I leave he’ll be worse off.”

“How do you know?” He practically screams and Dean flinches, fingers digging into the wood of the door as if he can reach through it and grasp Gabriel, tell him not to go away, not to abandon him again because he knows he can’t take it. He shakes his head in protest, tries to push away from the door but he can’t; it’s as if he’s frozen. “You don’t know what the hell you’re doing anyway!”

“It’s true, Sam. I don’t know much about having a charge, and I certainly don’t know anything about being a guardian, but me staying is the best option. That and I’ll be damned if I’m going anywhere. Going against one’s own grace can be disastrous, especially with Dean tied to it.”

“It’s more that that, you practically just told me, Gabriel. If Dean’s just your charge then it wouldn’t be like this. He’s something more, you did something to him.”

“Whatever I did, Sam,” he says in a calming voice, “it wasn’t my intention. Being around Dean when he’s like this... it’s painful.” The hunter feels a pang in his chest at his words because he experiences it day in and day out too, how miserable he’s making Gabriel. How miserable he’s making all three of them.

“I don’t give a fuck what it’s like for you,” Sam seethes, anger inevitably taking hold of him. “Fix him, fix the mess you made. I know you can. You’re an archangel, you wouldn’t be here unless you could fix him. You wouldn’t....” Sam breaks off when Dean practically crashes through the door, needing to get Sam to stop, to stop worrying and stop crying and stop fighting for him.

Immediately, there is heat and darkness except for Gabriel looking at him. Gabriel’s fingers seem to wind around Dean's soul a multitude of times, protecting him from some outside force, holding the hunter's attention.

Dean, somehow, forgets how to speak.

He blinks or thinks he blinks anyway. Sam is out of the chair, eyes on him as if ready to tackle him to the ground, to protect him from himself. He squints at the light pouring further into his vision, wipes the sweat off his forehead.

He's trying to breathe but the tightness in his chest is making it hard to.

The heat is making his clothes stick to him, making him dizzy and incoherent and trying yet failing to loosen his shirt so he can breathe properly again. The fire licks at his heels, one step away from peeling away the skin on the soles of his feet, one step away from....

“Dean!” Sam's voice sounds deep and commanding - like John’s - and it sounds disappointed, like Dean's doing something wrong.

“Hey,” fingers snap in front of his face and Dean flinches, looks up and sees a pair of wings. His eyes widen and he reaches for one in curiosity but the wings jerk back, as if afraid of the heat, the fire clinging to him. “You can see them, kiddo?”

He looks away, his hands clasping his head in a pain he knows must be phantom. There's no explanation for any of this, any of the physical pain taking a toll on his body. He knows he's going to drop to the ground at any time now, knows his feet are slipping, the flames sliding under them and making him lose his balance.

“Shit....” There's suddenly fingers brushing against his skin and he cries out, wanting to be left alone. The wings glimmer for a moment and then twitch, his eyes burning as he watches, and the fingers are reaching for him again, demanding and questioning and Dean falls into someone's arms and blacks out.

* * *

 

_If you can see them then you can see me. Everything I am, everything I want for you. We are bonded._

Sam is shouting when he wakes up, screaming at Dean, screaming at Gabriel, screaming at the entire world for doing this to Sam, for bringing this huge disaster down upon him. Dean just wants it to be like it used to be and he begs for such oblivion, wants to forget ever meeting Gabriel, ever going to Elysian Fields in his desperation that has now led to _this._

“I thought you said we couldn't see them? How the hell can he?”

“I don't know, Sam.”

Sam pauses for a long moment but he’s frantic. Dean’s eyes aren’t even open and he can tell how frustrated and confused and angry his brother is. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to be Dean pushing Gabriel away and Gabriel following his lead, the feel of the archangel’s grace being forcefully shut away, calling for the human. “Do something,” Sam demands, “do something about it!”

“I can do something, but you're not going to like it.”

“What?”

“I can rekindle my bond with him, make it stronger, but it’s going to be painful, Sam. And there might be consequences....” There are always consequences.

“Your bond? Wait a minute, I thought Dean was just your charge? What kind of bond are you talking about?” Gabriel doesn’t respond and Dean wishes that he could open his eyes, just to see him again. “Just do it,” Sam says, pulling Dean upright and back against his chest and holding him tightly. “I won’t lose him like this, not after all these past months of self-loathing and depression. You’ll get your happy ending, Dean,” Sam whispers in his ear, fierce words among his grief. “I promise, if it’s the last thing I ever do it will be that.”

And Dean can feel Gabriel, feel the archangel inside him, talking to him and touching him and making him hate himself even more. How in the hell is he supposed to deal with this, how is he not supposed to break under all this? Gabriel’s grace is pushing into him, flooding every part of him until Dean can’t tell where he ends and Gabriel begins. He can’t distinguish any of his own thoughts from Gabriel’s, can’t breathe in the face of the archangel’s desire and power.

In this sudden, light-filled hypnotic world there is nothing but Gabriel, yet he is almost afraid to dig deeper in order to find himself.

There’s no clawing his way out of this one.

* * *

 

_You will see them. You will not die, but you will wish you are dead in time._

The voice comes to him unbidden but it is not Gabriel’s.

Dean wakes with a start, immediately recognizing he’s in bed, in Gabriel’s arms specifically. Why it feels so right, he doesn’t know, but he also knows that he needs to leave, needs to get his head on straight again. It would help if his body doesn’t ache as much as it does, if he could move and his head wouldn’t turn into a puddle of mush, his slow, sluggish moments detailing his true vulnerability.

Several long moments pass and since archangels don’t sleep, Gabriel just must be uncertain. Dean’s eyes are forced closed and his body leans - despite his demanding it not to - back into the archangel’s warm chest. A soft rush of breath tickles the hair at the back of his neck.

“It's alright,” the archangel soothes, as if thinking better of pushing the situation to its limits, “go back to sleep.” Gabriel’s giving up on explaining what needs to be explained and Dean almost wants to tell him not to, but his eyes won’t open, so how the hell he’ll manage to talk, he doesn’t know.

Dean shakes his head, needing to argue, not able to hide his shivering from the celestial being. The room is already warm, but the human swears that Gabriel upped the temperature a few degrees because he feels cold, which means he’s feverish. He thinks he remembers now: why he had been able to see the wings, why in his dreams they sometimes seemed as if they would suffocate him and at other times do nothing but cradle him.

“You need to rest, Dean. I'll be here.”

Dean knows he will be, but that doesn’t put him anymore at ease or make him feel the need to slip back into sleep. Gabriel has his wings tucked away at the moment, and Dean isn't sure whether he’ll break from seeing them again or scream at him because he longs to see their colors, remembers the way they glisten in the absence of any light, the graceful way in which they shift, revealing all too well what Gabriel longs to hide.

Gabriel looks down at him carefully, as if he knows what Dean’s currently thinking. “Put them from your mind, little one. I will never harm you.”

And then he’s back there... the blood - not his own - is chilled, and the soulless, burnt out eyes of Johnny are locked onto his own forever. Dean chokes, but the warm, fingers caressing his own calm him down... _I won’t harm you, little one. One more moment and you will be free, trust me._

Dean knows that Gabriel never could hurt him, somewhere deep down inside of him, but somehow he can't make it stick and he only finds himself slipping into unconsciousness again, gasping for air, fighting but losing the battle to stay awake. He has no reason to believe that this isn’t a dream, that he isn’t just dreaming all of this.

The second time he wakes he feels much better, his head clearer and his breathing easier. He feels warm and at ease with the world around him for the first time in months, and thinking of Gabriel doesn’t bring an icy grip of uncertainty and fear on his heart. He also feels stronger, more capable of handling every situation imaginable, even deciding where he stands with Gabriel.

Sam is in the eerily quiet kitchen, sitting at the table and engrossed in a newspaper, eating a bowl of cereal and a banana. The window is open and sunlight is streaming through, the chatter of birds outside. He offers to make him something but Dean only finds himself shaking his head. He wants to hunt suddenly, not sit around and eat.

“No thanks, Sammy. Where's Gabriel?”

The paper is put aside. “He said he'd be back soon. Think he didn't want to scare you anymore for a while,” his brother adds, giving him a look of pity. Dean hates it, hates what he’s like around Gabriel, being scared all the time, not knowing what the fuck is going on in his own mind and body. He knows that if he calls the archangel he’ll come. Maybe Gabriel won’t want to, but Dean has no doubt about the archangel's loyalty to him.

He sits across the table from him, “Did we just ditch that last hunt while I was all...?” Dean cuts himself off, unable to describe what the fuck had happened to him.

Sam nods. “Gabriel and I took care of it.”

Dean wants to ask exactly what that means but he finds that he actually just wants to move on. “So, then... any hunts within the next hundred miles or so?” Sitting for too long a time is unbearable, hell, he feels like standing up and running fifteen miles or so. He can tell from Sam’s face that he doesn’t think he’s ready yet, but he doesn’t really give a shit about his opinion at this point.

His brother has been pushing Gabriel towards him all this time, letting him stay, convincing him that it was the right thing for Dean. As if Dean wants to be in this mess, as if he deserves Gabriel when Sam does more than anyone else. Sam needs to be protected at all costs, and more than that he deserves to be loved because his own love was never enough. Dean doesn’t deserve this, he should be the one pushing Gabriel towards Sam, pushing Gabriel to look out for _him_.

Sam rubs his eyes in frustration and feigned exhaustion but he turns the laptop towards Dean, who takes in the picture of a missing girl who disappeared barely a week ago two towns over. “She could have just run away, but I think they’re missing something. A witness said she was talking to no one days prior to the disappearance, and apparently she has... _had_ two sisters who also went missing about a month ago. All three identical looking too,” he pulls up a photo of the sisters and Dean knows exactly what he means. “I mean, look at them, they almost look too perfect. I would say they’re virgins, typical sacrifices if I thought they looked innocent enough.”

Sam pulls up another photo of the third sister and Dean instantly gets a strange feeling sweep over him. “Plus,” he says, turning the screen back towards Sam, “the look in her eyes is just plain creepy. You think she’s a witch or something? Hell, all three of them could be.”

His brother shrugs, leaning forward to get a better glimpse at the image. “Maybe... some boys have gone missing recently too.”

Dean immediately stands up and closes the lid; Sam looks up at him in surprise rather than outrage. “That’s it then. Gear up cause we’re heading to...?”

“Atlanburg.”

Dean nods, “And let’s get Gabriel down here pronto, put him to work while he’s still here.” He turns around before he can see the look on Sam’s face, although truth be told, he never expected Gabriel to really leave anyway.

* * *

 

_Let me take you. Let me take you away from it all..._

Gabriel is in the living room when Dean gets out of the shower, leaning against a chair and looking up at him as if he expects Dean to blow up at him or come over and kiss him, one of the two extremes; Dean does neither. Sam exits the room in the middle of drying his hair with a towel, claiming he’ll be outside. Dean wants to roll his eyes at how typical it is, but he finishes packing and tries not to dwell too much on Gabriel’s presence behind him.

The back of his neck breaks out in a cold sweat and he feels dizzy for a moment, zipping his duffel closed quickly. “Dean.” That one word and Dean closes his eyes, lets the wave of cold wash through him, leaving him weaker than before.

“Let’s just hit the road.”

Gabriel lets Dean leave before he follows.

Dean is visibly shaking beside him, his face as pale as milk and breathing in low, unsure gasps. Gabriel longs to comfort him, to ease all his aches and pains, his doubts as to what the two of them are supposed to be, the expectation he claims to see in the archangel's eyes, but he doesn't dare touch him. He looks away and he can feel Sam's glare from the backseat, knows that if he turns around the youngest Winchester will push him, push him until Gabriel finally starts believing that they can’t give Dean anymore time.

It's been three days since strengthening the bond in order to save Dean and hopefully make him more accustomed to his presence, and he still hasn't let himself succumb to Gabriel's touch. He hates to say it, but the longer Dean denies himself Gabriel the more exhausted he will become, and soon he won’t even be able to function. Gabriel never thought it would be like this, never imagined Dean would persist in pushing him away, even as stubborn as Gabriel has always known him to be.

Now that Gabriel’s strengthened the bond he had not meant to create in the first place - but his grace had, out of rage and desperation and, he knows, love too - and the more he keeps on thinking about it, he knows he’s going to have to start pushing Dean soon. There’s simply no way around it.

Gabriel’s going to start by gravitating towards him more on this hunt, brushing against him occasionally and maintaining fierce eye contact. He needs to show Dean that he doesn’t just need him but that he _wants_ him, that his grace is reaching towards Dean because of this. He needs to get his bond-mate to come into his embrace, convince him that he’s not going to leave. Never had he imagined that it would be this difficult, that Dean would be this _stubborn_.

He remains in the hotel room, hovers near Dean without trying to make it too obvious. He sits at the edge of Sam’s bed sometimes - even knowing he’ll mind - and watches Dean, turned away from him, denying himself what he needs to survive. Dean doesn’t think he deserves him, thinks he’s destroying Gabriel by simply existing, so how can the archangel break that mindset and ease Dean into their bond?

He walks in after one long afternoon of researching, of _trying_ to be what Dean needs, to find him slipping something over his neck. Gabriel can just barely catch sight of the pendant dangling from the rope chain before Dean tucks it under his shirt, though he sees enough to recognize the clear stone: quartz, for protection against angels. He shuts the door loudly enough for him to hear and the human glances up.

“What’s that?” Gabriel asks carefully, gesturing towards it but keeping his movements slow and his voice low. He doesn’t want to upset Dean, he’s been upsetting him too much already since he’s come back into his life.

Dean doesn’t look angry, a blush spreads across his cheeks just before he turns away, and Gabriel wants to yank the stone from his neck and destroy it. “I got it from Cas. He said...,” Dean cuts himself off, unable to finish the sentence. Gabriel hates that he can hear how fast Dean’s heart is beating, sense how scared he is, as if Gabriel is just as likely to kill him as he is to kiss him. He couldn’t physically hurt Dean if he wanted to, and his grace is aching at the alienation and the distance.

Sam isn’t around, Dean doesn’t need to answer this in front of his brother. Gabriel presses on, speaking even more hesitantly then before, “You’re afraid of what we have, aren’t you? Or rather, what we could have if you would get your head out of your ass.”

Dean withdraws in on himself more, despite Gabriel’s attempts to drag him out of his shell and get him angry, or at least get him motivated enough to do _something_. “I can’t control myself around you anymore.” He lets out a sharp laugh. “Don’t think I’ve ever been able to.”

Gabriel grits his teeth and keeps himself frozen, not wanting to lose control now. “You never had to, Dean. That’s what I’m here for, to guide you.”

That’s the only purpose of a guardian: to watch over their charge. So many of them have failed throughout time, so many have lost sight of the only thing that matters. Gabriel never wanted to be one, shrinking in the face of that much responsibility, wanting to have fun instead and dish out fitting punishments to narcissistic, incompetent humans, but he understands wanting it now.

He understands just how beautiful and _good_ Dean is, how he deserves to be protected.

“That’s bullshit and you know it. You never wanted a charge, and you definitely never wanted me.”

Gabriel’s warned him once before about the consequences of assuming who he is, but he pushes his anger down. Dean needs understanding and convincing more than anything else.

He walks forward and slips a hand under Dean’s chin to get Dean to look at him, then his fingers reach upwards and grasp his hair forcefully, trying to get him to _listen_. “Remember when I saved you that night, do you remember the way I killed that bastard? I wouldn’t have done that, Dean, unless I realized that I love you.”

Dean had been so happy when he saw that Gabriel was alive, so happy until he put the pieces together that Gabriel had been the one to protect him - to save his life - as if he believed it were out of dreaded obligation. As if Gabriel had had no choice the second Dean called for him.

As if Dean were nothing, nothing when he was _everything_.

Dean’s hands grasp his shirt, trying and _failing_ to push him away. “Stop lying to me, just stop!”

“I’m not lying.” Gabriel wraps his arms around him, restraining him, determined not to let him get away. He forces Dean to look him in the eyes and see his genuine honesty, just to get a glimpse of how much Dean Winchester means to him.

Dean struggles, fights with each breath even though he knows he can’t get away. “Let me go, let me go! I’m not your pet!” Dean suddenly shouts and Gabriel pulls away, horror-struck, his grace stilling painfully.

“Is that what you think?” He holds his human’s head in his hands again, gently this time, one hand cupping his cheek. “Oh, Dean,” he can feel his grace shattering and then trying in vain to piece itself back together. “You are the farthest thing from my pet. You’re my bond-mate, I belong to you just as you belong to me. You need me, Dean, just as I need you. Let me in, sweetheart... _please_ ,” Gabriel pleads. “You’re killing yourself, and whatever you think you’re doing to me you’re not, kiddo. You are _everything_ to me, Dean. Don’t push me away.”

“I’m _nothing_. Nothing to you, nothing to anyone.”

Without another moment passing, Gabriel’s wings pull out of his vessel’s back on instinct. Dean stares up at them wide-eyed, seeming to shrink under the sheer size of them. He looks threatened, but Gabriel knows that if Dean completely accepted their bond he would rise up like a giant beside them. Accepting an archangel as one’s guardian is especially powerful, a bond unbreakable and only shattered by one of the mate’s own will.

Very discretely, he sends the pendant to another dimension; he can’t do what he’s about to do while his human’s wearing it.

“Look at them, Dean,” he commands, and Dean can’t look away even if he tried. “They were dull for so long because I was missing something. I ignored it, I didn’t care, but when you told me to step up and fight, to tell my dick brother what I really thought of him, I felt more alive than I had in ages, like I had a purpose, like I could fight for someone else besides myself. _You_ gave that to me, Dean-o.” He laughs in relief as a huge weight lifts from his chest.

“I hid away from you even though I knew it was a mistake,” he continues, “and when you called for me I knew what we have _isn’t_ a mistake. And then I bonded with you, without even realizing it, and now look how bright they are. Damn, kiddo, _I’m_ even blinded by them. They’ll never compare to your soul, Cassie was right about that, but they do shine for _you_ , Dean, and they will shine brighter if you let me in as your mate. Not to mention, you’ll make me the happiest _and_ luckiest damn archangel in existence.”

Dean shakes his head and Gabriel knows he’s thinking of a way out, any way out of this. But he’s wearing away, his strength is draining after seven months of suppression. The archangel hates to do this, target his weak spots, but Sam is five steps away from killing him and Gabriel is two steps away from pushing him towards it. He’s waited too long and it hasn’t been fair to Dean.

“Let me in, Dean,” he says softly, smiling at him. “Let my grace flood you. It’s alright, there is nothing to fear. We can be each other’s now.”

_It’ll bring you back to your own self, make you the best version of yourself you can be. I love you, Dean. If only you would believe me._

The human seems to explode then, taking in every bit of the archangel’s grace that he can, allowing it to snuff out his doubt and battle his deep self-loathing. Gabriel is speaking to him, lighting him up inside and every part of Dean’s body - his very soul - screams out for more. He feels like he is being lifted up, ever higher until he feels he is leaving everything behind.

Gabriel’s grace expands in awe at the sight of him, so strong and warrior-like, so _beautiful_. He can feel the words more than hear them -

_I believe you._

* * *

 

_3 months prior —_

_It will take time, even in the face of my own impatience. But you will accept me._

Sam has allowed him entrance into their lives and he is ecstatic. Much like his brothers and sisters before him, he anticipated having his own charge, watching over him and bringing out the best in him. Dean deserves happiness just like everyone else, deserves happiness _more_ than anyone else. The reunion is crucial, an opportunity for Dean to ask questions and for the archangel to answer them truthfully, showing his love and devotion towards the human with every word.

“Dean.”

The hunter looks up, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck at Gabriel’s arrival. He already knew that the archangel was alive, remembered him in the room with Sam, but underplaying his return is the only reaction he can have at this point without losing it completely.

“Gabriel. I didn’t think you were alive.”

The flash in Gabriel’s eyes reveals that he knows what Dean’s doing. “That’s how I wanted it to be.” And he knows right off the bat that he shouldn’t have said that. Elysian Fields is something he just doesn’t want to remember, it showed a side to Dean that honestly still scares him. The fact that Dean cared about him enough to get his ass in gear, enough to go where he did.

His grace is in overdrive, on fire, but he represses it and tries not to focus on Dean’s exact attitude towards him. There was a time that they imagined they hated one another and Gabriel can’t forget it so easily. “You look better, kiddo.” His hands are shoved in his pockets, which is childish and betrays his nervousness in this situation.

Dean should have come to him by now, holding back the influence of grace is next to impossible.

Something is clearly _wrong_.

He plasters a grin on his face, as if it’ll help lighten up the situation, and watches as the human moves about the room, as if he isn’t really there at all. “Yeah, guess I am up to par again.” He pulls a duffel bag up onto the bed and starts filling it, not glancing over at him again. Gabriel can’t exactly _know_ how he’s feeling, not until Dean gives permission, but it has to be somewhat like what he’s currently experiencing being near Dean: exhaustion, frustration, confusion.

“Going somewhere?” He casually asks, but it’s anything but casual.

“Yeah, thought I’d hit the road and bunk in another town a few states over or something. Sam says he’s found a few hunts, so we’re heading out in an hour or so.”

Gabriel walks forward, hand blocking the opening of the duffel bag and Dean looks up at him, eyes so green and even more unsure. “Talk to me.” This isn’t him, talking and opening up, but Gabriel will be damned if he doesn’t try.

“About what?”

He rolls his eyes and gives him a two second death glare. “You know what, Winchester.”

“Oh,” Dean swallows, looking away, “I don’t really feel like talking about that right now.” Gabriel opens his mouth at that but grows frustrated and can’t get words to come out. He closes it again, confused, and Dean pats him on the shoulder awkwardly and slings the duffel over his shoulder. “But, you know, man, maybe later.”

Which in fact means never, but of course Gabriel hadn’t known about that then.

It’s all a disaster now that he looks back on it.

Dean doesn’t trust him, Dean hates himself, Dean turns around in circles over and over until Gabriel is beyond dizzy at the sight of him. He has no experience with this; he has never found it so hard to control himself, has only always taken what he’s wanted at a moment’s notice. To control himself around Dean is like strapping a bomb to his chest and being unable to move, afraid it’ll go off.

It is nothing less than completely denying his grace, pretending it isn’t there when it is all that makes him who he is.

It’s comfortable during the first month or two, but it’s only because this whole bond thing is new and Dean avoids so much as brushing up against Gabriel like the plague. They talk, they joke around, eat together, watch movies together and hunt together and it’s enough, for a while it’s more than enough. But then Dean starts moving further away from him, starts putting his hands up to shove him aside, starts saying he has other things to do than eat and watch movies and have conversations that go nowhere.

Gabriel flirts with him incessantly in those months because Dean doesn’t want to be touched and the archangel can’t touch him, afraid of losing absolute control, so what the hell else can he do but flirt and engage in eye sex and tease him until he blushes and Sam is bending over in laughter and wishing he wasn’t witnessing any of it? It takes long enough for Dean to use up all his energy, but his reserves were bound to run out sometime.

Gabriel just hadn’t wanted to think about that.

Five months in and he pushed way too far; even Sam gave him a look enough to rival any in the history of looks if he hadn’t known that.

They’re in a diner, the three of them, Sam trying to read some papers pertaining to a hunt but endlessly being distracted by Gabriel. Dean sits next to him, drowning his pancakes in syrup, stealing both Sam’s and Gabriel’s bacon, and Gabriel has his arm around the back of the booth. It’s a dangerous move, his arm tingling and aching as each second passes to latch onto Dean, to finger the soft hairs at the back of his neck, run his hand up and down his upper back, a method of relaxation he would happily give.

The waitress sees everything, coming over repeatedly to give them refills on coffee. Dean flirts, not exactly oblivious to Gabriel’s arm but choosing to ignore it and focus on her. It’s clear she likes Dean but she looks at Gabriel just as often, at his lazy grin as he watches Dean and continuously torments his brother from across the table.

When breakfast is over and Gabriel definitely knows that Dean is thinking about pie, even though it’s not even eight yet, she gets bold and saunters over to their table with the check, sliding it on the table right under Dean’s nose. Gabriel winks at her and she smiles. He was in such a good mood that day, it was no wonder why he was so reckless.

“Thanks, hon.” Dean gives her one of his prize worthy smiles, the one that Gabriel’s jealous of no matter the mood he’s in, jealous because it’s rarely directed towards him, only when Dean fails to have his defenses up. The archangel’s arm scoots an inch closer, unable to resist. “Say,” he leans forward, away from his arm, “is it too early for pie?”

“Not at all,” she responds cheerfully, smiling wider, “I’ll bring you the list.” And she bustles off, Dean leaning back against the seat once more. Gabriel remembers feeling so confident then, like he could try anything and get away with it.

When she comes back with the list of pies - Dean amazed at the variety this early in the morning - she winks at Dean, her gaze floating back and forth between him and Gabriel as he makes his selection. But even after the choice has been made, she sticks around for a few more seconds, examining the two of them carefully. “You two seem awful cute together, if you don’t mind my saying so.”

Gabriel can’t, or rather, won’t look over at Sam as he grins up at her. “Not at all. Dean-o and I here are soul-mates,” probably a better choice than bond-mates in this situation.

He says it hoping to get Dean to relax - if only slightly - into the title.

It doesn’t work.

“At least, that’s my take on the matter,” he continues, arm finally brushing against Dean’s back. The final straw, something he hadn’t realized until later, until it was too late.

“Awww,” and oh, how it’s drawn out _so_ lovely, “how sweet.” She practically melts right before the three of them, her skin disintegrating into dense liquid and forming a puddle on the tile floor. “Well, I’ll go and get your pie.” She takes one final glance at them but doesn’t seem to notice Dean’s expression.

There are a dozen emotions flickering across Dean’s face: raging disbelief, anger, frustration... yet the most hurtful one of all is denial. Gabriel can see his body tense up in a way that looks plain painful and he winces, grace throbbing in his vessel and hands shaking with the need to touch him. Sam immediately reacts upon seeing this. “Calm down, Dean,” he smiles nervously. “It was just a joke, man.”

Except it wasn’t a joke and all three of them knew it.

It’s funny now, but the most vivid thing Gabriel remembers is the untouched bacon on Dean’s plate, the way it just lay there, syrup inching closer towards it, so forgotten and dead. When Dean rose up out of the booth and stormed out the door, Sam followed quickly on his heels, but Gabriel picked up the dropped pie menu off the floor and looked at it.

He felt like he was dying then, drifting away, leaving the imprint of his vessel standing upright and his wings outspread in complete defeat, as if to protect himself. If he couldn’t draw his own bond-mate into his embrace, then what good was he?

Gabriel finally leaves the diner and wanders out towards the parking lot. He filters out the heated conversation between Dean and his brother a distance away, pictures himself shoving Dean up against the brick wall and forcing him to kiss him back, fucking him right there in the parking lot, letting the human get a taste of everything, satisfying both of their desires. There was a time when he would have made such a move, but not now. Too many things have changed for him to go back to the way he was.

Dean’s anger is real, his terror at the situation is frightening, and his complete dismissal of Gabriel is likely the most painful feeling in existence. The door between the two of them has been forcefully closed this time, no more struggling to pry it open and no more hope.

He falls back against the brick wall, simply breathes and then disappears.

* * *

 

_Present time —_

_You believe me as I believe in you. You are mine, Dean. My mate._

When Dean comes down he not only seems happy but much younger. His joy upon realizing Gabriel was really alive was only a fragment compared to this.

The quartz is back in the room, lying on the carpet, an opportunity for Dean because if this didn’t work then nothing will. What Gabriel just did was the archangel’s last resort, there is no other option after it. Dean glances down briefly at the form of protection he received from Castiel but doesn’t take it. Gabriel knows Dean’s head must be much clearer now, the pressure to accept Gabriel’s grace into his fragile human form no longer threatening him every second of every day.

Gabriel can scarcely believe that it’s been months, but the time only makes him realize just how much he loves Dean.

Dean knows exactly what he’s doing and Gabriel can tell that the quartz is no longer a temptation. He no longer has a need to protect himself or to deny Gabriel any longer. The grace now swirling around inside Dean, making him Gabriel’s own, making him a _part_ of the archangel, will not only pull Dean closer to Gabriel but also give him the chance to stand up to Gabriel and push him away, without loss of strength or energy. Dean has been made dangerously stronger and that is not something to mess with.

Gabriel examines him carefully, but it is still all he can do to hold himself back. His grace is pulsing fast and fierce in his vessel, screaming at him to move closer to his human. As attuned to the needs of his grace as he is though, he’d rather have Dean make the first move. While he can easily discern that Dean is happy, he cannot pinpoint the reason why.

Yet he is filled with nothing but love and awe at the sight of Dean, and he desperately wishes to show this to him in every way imaginable.

“Gabriel.”

It is one word from him, but it is everything that the archangel needs to know exactly what Dean’s frame of mind is. He is smiling at him and laughing on the inside, laughing at the absurdity of it all, laughing at how blind he had been given his disbelief of Gabriel’s love for him.

He _finally - cause I damn well waited long enough_ \- steps forward, “Hey, Dean-o,” and his hands wrap around the human’s face, cupping his cheeks, taking him in all at once and not one piece at a time anymore. Dean is grinning now and so is he, his grace going berserk at Dean’s acceptance of him and his joy because of it. It took long enough, but Gabriel can say that it was entirely worth the wait. To see Dean like this... it’s showing him a whole new side to being both an archangel and a guardian.

Without the massive buildup, a quarter of the power and desire wouldn’t even be there. Without the wait, Gabriel wouldn’t have appreciated Dean as much as he does now.

“I’m your charge,” Dean breathes, as if only just realizing this.

Gabriel shakes his head, practically glowing, “You’re my bond-mate.” Dean’s heart practically hits the roof at that, surging upward with realization and happiness. There couldn’t be a more beautiful sight before Gabriel.

His wings still have not retracted from sight and they no longer tower above Dean. They are risen before him and yet they shrink slightly as if bowing before the human. There’s always a possibility that an angel’s grace won’t accept their human’s soul, but his own grace seems to be _worshiping_ Dean’s.

Until Sam has to come into the room and ruin the moment with: “Another girl’s missing!” Gabriel's wings instantly pull back from preparing to wrap themselves around Dean’s form, and retreat into his back. Dean comes down more from his high and looks up to see Sam's wide, amazed eyes. His brother clears his throat, “What are you two doing in here?”

Gabriel doesn’t feel like answering, only feels like reveling in the fact that things are definitely looking up.


	3. Choke Me in the Shallow Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians’ ‘What I Am.’

_~I’m not aware of too many things_

_I know what I know_

_If you know what I mean~_

* * *

 

_Give me time. I won’t be able to push you away again._

From the moment that Sam says another girl’s missing, Dean rushes into the hunt, pouring over the information and planning to go out with the few hours of daylight they have left. Gabriel is pushed aside, left speechless as Dean doesn’t do anything more than assign him a task.

He isn’t worried however, because even though Dean’s preoccupations are elsewhere, Gabriel can see how happy Dean is and he’d be a fool to ruin that just because he hasn’t been able to make out with Dean yet. Gabriel grins at the sight of him, so confident and enthusiastic, throwing ideas around when they haven’t even started the interview process yet. He’s finally back to his old self, the Dean that Gabriel remembers and loves.

Gabriel curses himself at all the wasted time, but he prides himself on reaching this point.

Sam sends Gabriel glances across the table when Dean isn’t looking and Gabriel knows that he knows. He seems glad about it but hesitant too, like now that this has happened he doesn’t quite know what to make of it and what to do next. Maybe he feels like he’ll be left out, but Gabriel will make sure that never happens. If it wasn’t for Sam’s invitation and for his pushing he would have never reached this point. He throws a grin at him eventually, but Sam only rolls his eyes and focuses back on the task at hand.

The three girls are Lex, Natasha, and Anya, and they look identical if not for the startling color difference in their eyes. The fourth girl went missing earlier this afternoon and she looks nothing like the other three, having short, dark hair instead of long and blonde. If Gabriel wasn’t Dean’s bond-mate, he would feel jealous at how Dean looks at the first of the missing girls, Lex, but he knows that Dean no longer has the will to push him away. There will never be competition between the two of them.

“Well, the more we sit around here the more daylight we’re burning. Let’s head out,” Dean says to Gabriel, and Sam tries to protest but only watches as the two of them leave, knowing he’s no match for his brother’s stubbornness.

Sam stays behind at the hotel to do more research while Dean drags Gabriel along with him to the old, ridiculously huge and out of place mansion where the most recent missing girl had lived. Dean even looks sort of put off by it: “Feel like I’ve stepped back in time or something. This is just weird.” Given the out of date clothes the girls had been wearing, they are stepping back in time.

The walkway is long and winding, overgrown with weeds and little purple flowers that look dead. Gabriel’s still learning from Dean and Sam, but he knows enough to realize that this is a result of witches living in the vicinity. The entryway - once they finally reach it - seems to be the most overrun, with long, swirling vines under their feet and overhead nearly preventing them from reaching the door. Dean takes a knife from his back pocket and starts slicing through them and shoving them aside.

He knocks sharply rather than touch the knocker, and long minutes pass before Gabriel opens his mouth. “You think anyone’s here?”

Dean shrugs as he stares at the door intently, and Gabriel watches as the vines seem to creep back, mindful of Dean’s legs. “We’ll just have to go around back then.” He makes the mistake of glancing at Gabriel though, at the hungry gaze he cannot prevent even in this situation, at his lust for Dean that he couldn’t hold back even if he tried.

It must only be a split second before he grabs and pulls the archangel towards him, shoving his tongue in Gabriel’s mouth and letting it move around of its own free will, craving nothing more in this moment but Gabriel. Every inch of Gabriel’s mouth tastes like bubblegum and cotton candy, and he digs deeper until he feels the vines grow under him and he trips.

Gabriel catches him easily, pulling Dean towards him again and the human wipes his mouth off on his sleeve and smirks. “Guess we better get going then,” and with that the door suddenly pulls open, catching Dean off guard. He coughs awkwardly and rubs his mouth against his sleeve again, as if there’s lipstick. Gabriel grins at the woman peeking out from behind the door and shoves his mate aside lightly, knowing what the touch will do to him.

Dean shivers and follows his lead in pulling their gazes away from the other and towards the woman. “Hello, ma’am. We were wondering if we could have a few words with you about your missing daughter?” He pulls out his badge and Gabriel - still a little slow - manages not to snap his fingers to make it appear and pulls it hurriedly out of his pocket instead. Dean succeeds in not rolling his eyes.

She waves the badges away, “No need for that.” She opens the door wider and Dean can easily see her darker hair now, and that she looks exactly like the fourth missing girl: the slightly darker skin and darker hair and more striking features. Dean’s eyes widen but before he can say another word, the woman steps aside and reveals the dark interior of the mansion. “You and your partner are welcome inside.”

Dean looks at Gabriel, whose hand gestures towards the opening. “After you, Dean-o.” He glares at him but takes the lead, his steps hesitant as he enters and his gaze even more so. It’s so dark, and as he waits for his eyes to adjust heavy drapes are pulled open, suddenly exposing a great deal of light and he pulls an arm over his eyes and groans softly. He can feel Gabriel snickering beside him, but he has more important things to worry about than him.

They’ve already been _unprofessional_ and he and Gabriel don’t need to go any further.

“Sorry about that,” the woman apologizes sincerely. “I haven’t quite been feeling myself lately, but I think a little light now would be most welcome.” She leads them into a spacious living room, where Dean takes one end of the couch and Gabriel takes the other; the woman looks at them a little strangely, but ultimately doesn’t bring it up.

“So, my daughter...”

Dean notices a figure enter the room behind her and he looks up, shocked when he notices that it’s the missing girl, wearing the same clothes she had on in the photo, the same clothes she had disappeared in. Dean stands up, “Lara?” He glances down at her mother, “So she isn’t missing?”

“No,” she immediately says, appearing distraught. “I apologize, I should have explained sooner. This is Lara’s twin, Lana. It may look a little strange to you, yes,” she motions her daughter closer but she remains shy, only taking a few more steps before leaning against a wall, as if to hide herself. “But they’re very close, wearing the same clothes, for example. Really their only difference is the pendant around their necks.” Dean takes a closer glance and notices the half of a heart dangling around her neck, its rose gold color shimmering in the sunlight. He thinks back to the picture and remembers Lara’s had been silver.

Dean notices how Lana keeps on looking at Gabriel. He clears his throat and her eyes snap towards him, eyes filled with fire and ice simultaneously, and he can’t look away until Gabriel’s hand lands on his shoulder and squeezes. The younger girl looks between the both of them intently and Dean can feel his neck growing red in embarrassment. He clears his throat again and smiles at the mother, “Do you think I could have a word with Lana, Mrs. Hodge?”

It isn’t that he doesn’t trust Gabriel, it’s just that he can’t get the look she gave him out of his head. Maybe it’ll just be easier if he does it his way.

“Course you can, and please,” she smiles warmly at him, “call me Judith. Lana, honey? You tell this nice man everything you can think of and more. He’s here to help find your sister.” Dean looks towards her and nods in confirmation.

Lana asks, “Would you mind if we take a walk?”

Dean can easily understand that, wanting to get out of this old, dark and stuffy house. He nods at her again and lets her step outside first, but while he moves to look back in Gabriel’s direction, she takes his hand playfully and pulls him out of and away from the house. He stares at her wide-eyed but doesn’t pull his hand out of her own; she’s strangely acting like a child even though she definitely doesn’t look that young. Dean follows her lead as surely as he would follow his brother’s.

He hadn’t had time to scope out the back, but it seems as if there’s no need considering that’s exactly where she pulls him. Apparently, the backyard is huge, but the most noticeable portion is a large oval path that Lana brings him up to. They start walking and they must go around twice, Dean unable to understand what they’re doing back here. It doesn’t make it any better that Lana seems unsure, unable to know where to start. Dean smiles at her, trying to make her more comfortable, but that isn’t the concern. He can tell that she trusts him, she just doesn’t seem to trust herself, in a sense.

Dean clears his throat, “Let’s start with how your sister disappeared.”

She laughs sharply, pulling her hand out of his own, gaining a surprised look in return. “I’d rather talk about your boyfriend.”

Dean clears his throat awkwardly, this is not the discussion he wants to be having right now, not when he’s still trying to get the hang of not losing control around Gabriel. “My partner,” he corrects, but hell... it sounds weak when he says it. An obvious lie.

“Your boyfriend,” she repeats insistently, looking about ready to laugh again. Dean does everything he can not to blush in front of her but damn her, she’s too damn smart for her own good. “I don’t know why you try to hide it, the way he looks at you... anyone would kill to be looked at like that.”

He can’t think about that right now, can’t think about anything but the case. “Look, I’m here to find your sister....”

“I’ll help you with my sister if you tell me something about him.”

He’s completely stunned when he stops and looks at her, only to see that she is completely serious. Sure, the look on her face is mischievous and actually reminds him of Gabriel a bit, how he used to know him anyway, but she seems genuinely interested in the both of them and Dean has no idea why. Maybe Gabriel did something to grab her attention, all Dean knows is that he’s getting beaten by a freaking girl half his age.

“Well,” he shakes his head and starts walking again, “you’ll have to ask him.”

“I’d rather ask you.” She bumps her shoulder against his own playfully, and Dean almost smiles at everything she is. She seemed depressed and almost careless back in that house, but now she seems happy and carefree and Dean’s pleased he could bring that out of her.

“Fine,” and she slips her hand in his own again. “What do you want to know?” He’s going to regret this, but he hardly thinks it matters because he can tell her next to nothing about Gabriel without spilling the entire truth.

She smiles and pulls him along, “His name.”

“Gabriel.”

“Like the archangel?” _He is the freaking archangel_ , Dean thinks, still unable to believe that he’s bonded to an actual archangel. Lately, he’s honestly been forgetting about it, especially since he opened himself up to Gabriel’s grace, which is still freaking him out. He forgets how old and how powerful Gabriel is and it makes him more surprised that the archangel - or at least his grace - chose him.

But he is going to enjoy it while it lasts.

“Yeah, like the archangel.”

She nods then, looking down at the ground and biting on her lip as if deep in thought. She amuses Dean, she really does, but he wants to worry about the case now and Gabriel later. It’s kinda too late for that though considering the kiss they had on the porch, the kiss that Lana probably saw come to think of it. Finally her head snaps up and she smiles at him again. “So how did you two meet and how did you end up getting together?”

Dean panics for a brief moment at her words. “Look, why don’t you just ask him, Lana?”

“Nah,” she sighs, “he seems bored about anything having to do with me. Besides, he doesn’t really care about what I’m going to say anyway, or about what happened to my sister. He only cares about it because you do, he cares about everything you care about.”

She’s turned away from him but Dean can hear the truth in her words, how she believes everything she’s saying to him completely. Her words send a shiver down his spine, at hearing about how much Gabriel cares for him from someone else. It feels unnatural that it’s not coming from Sam, even more so that it’s happening at all. He and Gabriel haven’t even really _talked_ yet, and still there are outsiders who can just tell that they’re together. It’s confusing and frustrating and Dean finds himself wondering just how strong their bond really is.

“Wait, you haven’t even said one word to him,” he says, practically speechless. “So how can you tell?” Great, so now he’s thinking about _Gabriel_ other than what he should be thinking about.

Lana shrugs, “I just can. Usually my sister’s better at this stuff, but your archangel has a real soft spot for you. You’re lucky.” As if Dean Winchester needs to be told he’s lucky by a fifteen year old girl who knows way too much. Still, he focuses on her word choice more than anything. There’s no way she could know, no way in hell, and even though he’s ninety-nine percent convinced, there’s still that voice at the back of his mind, that doubt....

“Hey!” Gabriel calls out and Dean turns around suddenly to find him walking out from behind some rosebushes, as if he’s been eavesdropping. “You get anything useful?”

Lana giggles, winks at Dean and skips away. Young at heart, full of energy, just leaving Dean there speechless and entirely uncomfortable.

_My archangel, my ass._

* * *

 

_We’re good at this, Dean. If only you could see._

Gabriel, it turns out, got a helluva lot more than he did. The archangel looks concerned about this - concerned about Dean in general probably - but the human ignores it, pushes it down and focuses on what Gabriel has to say. He should be pissed at the fact that he’s accomplished nothing since coming out here except doubt over what Lana knows about Gabriel, and dread when he thinks about Gabriel and him being alone again.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to be around Gabriel, he just doesn’t think he can open up about his feelings to someone, even if he is bonded to that someone. There is expectation in Gabriel’s eyes that Dean shrinks away from and hell, he even backs away from the joy and sorrow he finds there too. He’s still freaking out over the possibility that Gabriel only feels for him because Dean is his charge first and foremost, but whenever he imagines Gabriel thinking about him he does get a little jittery.

He clears his throat and just barely succeeds in not looking Gabriel straight in the eye. He’s uncomfortable under Gabriel’s gaze, but Dean is also dangerously hungry for more.

“So let me get this straight, Lana and Lara knew Lex?”

Gabriel nods, “The mother says she’s been letting Lex live in her house for a couple weeks, that Lara brought her home one night and she just never left.” Dean raises his eyebrows at that, both from Gabriel’s words and from the commitment the archangel has shown to the case. He feels pride swell up within him, and not surprisingly it leaves him desperate for Gabriel’s mouth on his own once more.

He’s about to ask why the mother would simply take in another girl, but then something clicks in his head and he remembers the photos Sam had shown him. Lex had had two sisters, sisters that had gone missing before her; she was completely alone.

Dean can feel Gabriel searching his face and it bothers him. Gabriel must see how uncomfortable Dean’s growing though, because he backs off and looks at something else. “Her sisters....”

Gabriel nods, “You got it, kiddo. Apparently, Lex had nowhere to turn after they went missing. Lara found her wandering around in the woods after she sneaked out, and her mother didn’t have the heart to kick her out.”

The gears just keep on whirring in Dean’s head. “Whoever took Lex probably took Lara too.”

Gabriel shrugs, apparently bored by the conversation already, which doesn’t help Dean’s anxious mood any. “What about you?”

Dean swallows hard, kicking himself mentally afterward since he knows Gabriel can see it, but that only makes him more anxious since he has no way of knowing just how much Gabriel can see. “What about me?” Like an idiot, he was hoping against hope that Gabriel wouldn’t ask him a damn thing, because he’s going to lie and the archangel’s going to catch him in it. Too late for that now.

Gabriel rolls his eyes at that and crosses his arms over his chest, exuding boredom and interest at the same time. Funny how that’s even possible. “Find out anything interesting?”

Dean swallows again and looks away. But the truth is, he hasn’t wanted to turn away from Gabriel ever since he accepted him as his... bond-mate. Somehow turning away now, after what they’ve been through, feels like betrayal.

“Lana wanted to know about _other_ things, didn’t leave me much room to _ask_.” He starts walking back to the Impala and Gabriel follows closely, shoulder practically brushing against his own as he pauses, as if wondering how exactly to drill his _boyfriend_. Gabriel comes up very close to him then, his eyes boring holes in Dean’s soul and his breath on Dean’s heated cheek. Dean freezes in place, desperately wanting to seek a false sort of refuge in his baby.

“What kinds of things? Dirty things, sexy things, downright naughty things?” He pushes, taunting effortlessly even though Dean knows that he knows the answer.

“Boring stuff.” He tries to break away with that, tries to get out from under Gabriel’s scrutiny. The archangel lets him, but he can see the warning in Gabriel’s eyes before he starts walking away.

Gabriel catches up with him, shaking his head. “You’re a terrible liar, Dean. Really, I don’t even know why you bother.” He sounds disappointed, _really_ disappointed, and Dean loathes how he’s not strong enough, how he keeps letting Gabriel down, how he should have told him from the get go that letting him down was inevitable. Dean can’t offer anything, certainly nothing Gabriel could want.

The bonding must have been accidental, as Gabriel tells him.

There’s no way in hell that Gabriel willingly would have chosen him.

“We’re bonded,” Gabriel continues, using that insisting tone that makes Dean feel too fragile. “What makes you think I don’t know exactly what you’re thinking and more?”

But Dean doesn’t think anything, he just hopes against hope that Gabriel drops it and comes to his senses. Dean won’t mind, he’s been abandoned this many times so what’s one more?

He slides into the Impala after that thought and closes the door behind him, waiting impatiently for Gabriel to get in. The day is suddenly stifling and the seats are burning underneath him, the sweat from his back making his shirt stick to his skin uncomfortably and thick drops dripping down his neck. His gaze could bore holes in the windshield.

After waiting what seems an incredibly long amount of time, Dean looks over, sensing Gabriel’s hesitance before he can see it. He wonders why it’s taking him this damn long to open the door, but then he looks up into the archangel’s eyes and he can see the truth there, the entire truth.

If Dean asked him to give him some time alone, he would. If Dean asked him to leave, demanded it of him, then he would probably do that too.

Gabriel seems happy when Dean is though, yet he also seems unsure at times that Dean will grow to love him even though Dean already loves him, so much, too much, and doesn’t know how to show it.

 _I want you here. Please don’t leave._ He looks away, “Better come on in, we’re burning daylight here.” He starts up the engine and the door opens quickly, a wave of cold washing over him as Gabriel slides in beside him. He breathes out at the feel of cold air against his skin in relief, knowing that Gabriel has caused it, almost telling him not to do it again.

Why deny Gabriel what he wants though?

“We are going to talk about this, Dean.” The hurt look on Gabriel’s face is still there but there is determination also, determination that makes Dean incredibly uneasy.

He barely nods and drifts out onto the street.

* * *

 

_His world will tear you apart..._

Sam is hunched over his laptop when Dean and Gabriel get back from their incredibly awkward car ride, but he looks up excitedly and shuts the lid when they enter. Apparently, he found Lex’s address and has the bright idea to go scope it out. Dean’s ashamed that he hasn’t thought of it earlier, head so far up his ass, and it’s pretty clear that none of this matters to Gabriel besides Dean’s involvement. Dean would like to kick him for that, but he can’t have everything he wants.

And then Sam - the nerd - recites a whole bunch of other information he found. Jesus, Dean’s really gotta get with it.

He glances at Gabriel out of the corner of his eye while Sam’s animately talking - clearly impressed at what he’s found - and almost wishes he hadn’t. He finds support there but Gabriel is also angry and barely able to hide it. He has progressed past simply being hurt and now he’s disappointed and frustrated and unable to understand Dean’s nearly complete avoidance of him.

The hunter shudders at the feel of Gabriel’s fingers brushing up against his own that had provided a distraction from the ropes bound around his wrists. It’s a memory, but it’s so vivid that it almost seems like the archangel’s fingers are still there, coaxing out the anxiety in his soul and the cramps clutching at his muscles.

Gabriel pulls back rather than move closer, which has been typical of him as of late. It tugs at him fiercer than words ever could, jabs at his chest as if in mockery.

He swallows, “Sounds good, Sammy,” even though he only heard about half of it. He can’t work like this, can’t hunt while Gabriel’s always just two steps away, both a terrible distraction and a miracle.

“We should go get something to eat for dinner and then head out tonight.” Dean can’t miss the curious look Sam shoots Gabriel, the gaze that presses for answers. Rather than taking it in and smirking, Gabriel walks out the door; somehow Dean’s legs follow him before his rational mind can protest.

“Hey.” He catches up to the archangel and grabs his arm just as he’s about to round a corner. Gabriel could push him away, beat the shit out of him, kill him, but all he does is allow the human to push him up against the wall, all he does is stare at Dean with expectation all over again. “We’ll talk, okay? When this case is over....”

“When this case is over and you find another one. When you finish that one and say to me: ‘Just one more, Gabriel. Just one more and then you can drill me to your heart’s content.’ Believe me, Dean-o, I’ve heard it all before.”

Dean pulls away from him and leans against the wall beside him. “I’m sorry, okay?” He swipes a hand over his forehead, wanting to be rid of the heat gripping him, wanting to bury himself inside Gabriel and never come out again. “You know how hard this is for me.”

“Yeah,” Gabriel tells him, “I do, but you’re not even trying.”

He’s right, he’s not trying and maybe that’s what hurts so much, knowing Gabriel deserves more, deserves to see some silver freaking lining.

“Hey....” Dean doesn’t know when he moved away from the wall, but it doesn’t seem to matter ‘cause now Gabriel is right in front of him, crowding his personal space. “Look at me.” Dean obeys, fearing the consequences if he doesn’t, if he doesn’t at least give the archangel thatmuch. There’s a cool hand on his cheek then, as a reward, and Dean feels alive and loved and _safe_. “I’m patient, you know _that_ about me.” His thumb strokes along the stubble of his cheek in slow, smooth lines, and rather than send Dean into a panic attack he can finally breatheagain. He closes his eyes, briefly, and when he opens them again Gabriel is smiling up at him. “You’re damn lucky you got stuck with me.”

Dean nods at that, knowing not much else could be truer. He’s never been good with words, but choosing to act at this point whilst in the middle of a case wouldn’t be good. So he opens his mouth and he speaks, and he fucking hopes against hope that Gabriel knows not just the sincerity but the truth in his words.

“I do love you,” Dean says, happy that he can get the words out, happy that something small though something good can come out of all this waiting. “And I don’t even know whether it’s just because of the bond, but I feel something for you and it feels _right_.” It’s not a lie to satiate the archangel temporarily, it’s a truth that Dean hasn’t wanted to face.

There’s a long pause, the look of surprise on Gabriel’s face evident. “I feel more than just something for you.” Gabriel says it like he’s offended by Dean’s word choice, but the way his smile expands into a grin says otherwise.

Dean blushes and Gabriel laughs, fingers playing with the collar of Dean’s shirt, smoothing it out. “Come on,” he tears his hands away from his collar but grabs hold of his tie instead, pulling him forward. “We’ve got some girls to find.”

He couldn’t agree more.

* * *

 

_I’m stronger with you than without you._

Sam acts as if he doesn’t know what the hell’s going on all the way through eating and then driving to their destination, but he knows exactly what’s going on and he seems almost sorta smug about it too. Dean ignores him and pushes the hour before out of his mind; it isn’t hard, since he’s ignoring Gabriel for the most part too.

Until he feels a set of fingers thread between his own and squeeze.

He practically bolts out of his seat, head swiveling around almost discretely - though not enough for his little brother’s sake - to find Gabriel staring outside the window and not looking at him at all. Dean turns back to the road and breathes a sigh of relief at Gabriel not making the scene too obvious. He never thought Gabriel could be this discreet, to be willing to play along with him when he shouldn’t have to put up with his bullshit.

Dean doesn’t pull his hand away though.

Sam clears his throat and drags him away from the warmth coiled tightly in his hand and in his heart. “I think it’s that house up on the left there.”

Dean glances up and Gabriel quickly pulls his hand out of Dean’s. There’s a sharp pang in the hunter’s chest at the motion, even though he knows it’s necessary. He pulls up the slanted driveway, parks the Impala and gets out. Gabriel is more than just support when he comes over to stand close to Dean; it seems like he’s life itself sometimes, like even though the whole world seems to be crumbling down around him, begging him for help, Gabriel’s there to lift him up and put him back on solid ground.

He leans on his right leg just to be that millionth of an inch closer to him, and Gabriel almost manages to hide his smile.

“Think we should split up,” Sam says, instead of asking his brother like he usually does. Dean nods, ignoring the way Sam said it; with three people and a huge house, they’d be wasting too much time if they didn’t split up. Dean needs to get this case done, it’s gnawing at him just like his relationship with Gabriel is, maybe even because of it. Dean opens his mouth to hand out instructions, but Sam beats him to the chase. “I’ll cover the back of the house and take Gabriel with me.”

Dean’s eyes widen in shock and the corner of his mouth twitches in his annoyed state. He has to admit, he didn’t see this one coming. He wants to say no, but arguing will look even more suspicious and so he just chooses to let it go before it blows up in his face and he’s forced to admit something that he doesn’t want to admit. Gabriel shoots him an amused look as he walks off with Sam, though he seems just as surprised as Dean is, and the hunter dreads what the archangel is going to say to his baby brother. Nothing good, that’s for sure.

He waits until they’re out of sight before he advances towards the front door. Getting in the hunting mode again feels good, it hasn’t felt this good since before Gabriel died, or rather, chose to disappear. He still doesn’t forgive him for that, for leaving him hanging and desperate and making him look pathetic. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever forgive him for that.

The eldest Winchester boy still smiles slightly as he opens the door though: just thinking about Gabriel, let alone being near him, makes him happy and relaxed.

_Get your head in the game, Winchester._

The door slams shut behind him before he can close it himself and he jumps. Distractions... just what he doesn’t need. He clears his head of anything Gabriel related and starts progressing through the living room. Gabriel though... he can still feel him in the back of mind somehow, as if he’s watching every move Dean makes. He wonders whether he’s just imagining it or if it’s a “bond” thing.

Two girls are sitting in the bedroom when he enters and he lifts up his shotgun and aims in surprise. They look angry, their arms crossed and two sets of eyes trained on him as if he’s a threat. He honestly didn’t think it would be this easy.

They’re exact duplicates of Lex except where Lex’s eyes are stormy blue, her twin sisters’ are brown.

He decides to play it cool, “You two seen Lex anywhere?”

“Our sister is of no concern to you.”

Dean tilts his head for a second to think about that statement. “Maybe, but the twins she’s dragged into this definitely are a part of her life now. Or are you gonna pretend that you don’t know about them?”

“We told her to trust us but she didn’t, and look where she is now.”

“Trust you?” Dean asks, wondering what’s going on and figuring that Lex must have kept in touch with her sisters. He really wants to find her and drill her as to what the fuck they’re talking about. “Trust you concerning what exactly?”

“It’s too late now. If she won’t come to us, then we’ll come to her.”

Dean opens his mouth to ask where Lara is but they disappear before he can get another word in. “Son of a bitch!” He curses quietly, leaving the bedroom and hurrying to the next room. Whatever is about to happen in his house is not gonna be good. They wouldn’t have taken Lara - and he _knows_ they took Lara - if they didn’t need her or weren’t going to use her for something.

“Anya! Natasha...!”

He crashes into something solid and warm and immediately turns his head, ready to put up a fight if he needs to. The face he finds is entirely familiar though, and Dean relaxes immediately as the warm weight he’s pressed up against chuckles. “You in a rush to get somewhere, kiddo?”

“The girls...,” Dean starts but stops when he realizes that it’s not important. The grin on Gabriel’s face is drawing him in so effortlessly, making him want to forget about anything and everything. They haven’t had their chance yet and Dean wants it so badly now, wants to show Gabriel how much he wants him.

“You sure you don’t want to stay here for a minute longer?” Gabriel can read him so well, _knows_ what he wants but can’t take right now.

Dean snorts and Gabriel lets him pull away, “Not here.” The archangel’s face falls when he says that, as if he believes Dean doesn’t want anything to do with him. He can’t think that though, not with what happened earlier. He kisses Gabriel for a few solid seconds to let him know his true intentions and Gabriel smiles at him again.

“Sam and I found the basement. You’re gonna wanna see what’s in it. It’s some pretty creepy shit that’s gonna explain everything.”

Dean stares at him in confusion but figures he should just see it himself rather than have Gabriel give him the details, as much as he would love to stand here for another hour or two to talk about their weird bond thing and-or make-out. Gabriel’s grace brushes against him gently as if he’s just read his mind and Dean jumps at the sensation. He’s still getting used to all the weird things the archangel can do with the bond, but he’s determined to stick around long enough to fall in love with every single one of them.

Gabriel smacks his ass lightly when he begins to descend the stairs and Dean turns around to shoot him a none-too-amused look. Gabriel only laughs and holds up his hands in mock surrender.

“Hey! I’m down here!” Dean follows the sound of his voice until he finds his brother; unfortunately, he takes a peek inside an open closet before finding him and the sight makes him gag. “I see you found the girls.”

Dean turns away for a moment in order to get his breathing under control before he looks more closely: Anya and Natasha dead, their bodies lying haphazardly in the closet. Now that he thinks about it, the girls he had meant just a few minutes prior did seem washed out, he just never expected _this_.

“Jesus, Sam! Couldn’t warn a guy?”

The girls are ghosts, and he’s only more pissed off that he didn’t notice it before.

Sam shrugs and shares a look with Gabriel, which Dean is too annoyed to pay any attention to. “Apparently,” he says, holding up a black, hardcover book, “there’s a ritual involving sacrificing three virgins in order for a ghost to become temporarily human again.”

“For how long?”

“A day at the most, sometimes only several hours, depending on how recently the person died. For a female to come back, she has to sacrifice three males. For two females,” Sam shakes his head, “double that.”

Dean shivers slightly at that but then it dawns on him. “The missing boys.” Five of them missing and most likely dead so far, and who knows if they have the sixth one yet or not.

Sam nods, “Yep. Lucky I stumbled on this one, we’ll be saving more than just one life.”

They’ll be saving three to be exact: Lara, Lex and the sixth boy, if they’re lucky enough. “How come we haven’t heard of this before though? And what about Lara? If they were interested in the whole twin thing between Lana and Lara, then wouldn’t they have taken Lana too?”

“Bobby mentioned it back along once, there just hasn’t been much evidence to support that it’s possible. About Lana... I haven’t figured that one out yet. They’re probably just pissed that their sister’s found a friend.”

Dean isn’t convinced. “Lara’s the one who found her, right?”

Sam nods and tosses the book to Dean. “They’re trying to come back to life.”

“But they know it’s only temporary.” If it’s temporary, Dean thinks, then why come back at all? Clearly, there was something keeping the girls here, and more likely than not it had to do with their still living sister.

“My guess...,” the two Winchester boys glance over at the third occupant of the basement, “...is that they’re only coming back to bring Lex with them.”

Even after Sam turns away, Dean takes a good look at the archangel - at his _bond-mate -_ and he finds not only the truth there, but a surprising solace and comfort as well.


	4. Riddled as the Tide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics both below and in the chapter are from ‘Song to the Siren,’ especially Sinead O’Connor’s version.

_~Did I dream you dreamed about me?_

_Were you here when I was full sail?_

_Now my foolish boat is leaning~_

* * *

 

_Gabriel...? Keep an eye out, ya hear?_

They choose not to split up this time around; Sam is about to protest that decision before both he and Dean notice the look on Gabriel’s face and his posture and decide not to argue with it. Gabriel is a lot more relaxed when he’s around his bond-mate, and while it freaks Dean out a little he can’t deny that it makes perfect sense either. If he had his way he’d like to stick with Gabriel too, even if their obsession with each other _is_ constantly distracting them from the job at hand.

The three of them head back to the bedroom where Dean had seen Lex’s sisters. They turn when they hear a noise in the closet as soon as they enter, Dean pulling open the door to see Lex on the ground, tied to a tipped over chair. Sam cuts in front of him before Dean can take a step forward, pulling the cloth gag from her mouth and cutting the ropes keeping her in place.

“Thank you.” She rubs her wrists and looks back and forth between the two brothers, though she directs her thanks towards Sam, who nods and helps her up.

“So,” Dean cuts to the chase, relieved that they’ve found Lex. Now all they have to do is stop her crazed sisters before they murder one more boy and set the ritual into motion. “Want to tell us what the hell is going on with your crazy sisters?”

“Dean,” Sam warns, sending him a glare. In any other moment he’d let the girl get her bearings too, but they’re running out of time and he has no energy for niceties. He really doesn’t like witches, wishes they would just disappear off the face of the earth for the next hundred years or so, or preferably forever. It also doesn’t help that those girls were way too creepy for his liking.

Sam steps up to her again and holds out his hand, and Dean is surprised to see that she takes it and then shakes it. “I’m Sam and this is my brother Dean and my... uh, his... _our_ friend Gabriel.” Dean rolls his eyes at how confusing that whole thing was, but ends up stepping to the side slightly so the girl can get a look at Gabriel. Unlike Lana, he doesn’t seem to affect her at all. Maybe Gabriel’s using more of his mojo for some reason, but Dean has a feeling that isn’t it.

“Right,” she stares at Dean warily, barely giving Gabriel any attention at all. “I’m Lex, by the way, even though it seems like you knew that already.”

“Care to tell us your point of view on things, Lex?” Dean asks.

She glances over at Dean again but turns her attention to Sam as she talks. Dean’s already used up most of his energy on restraining himself from jumping Gabriel, and yet more of it on trying to ignore that Gabriel’s barely two feet away, warm and sweet and ready for the taking. If Sam wants to control the ticking-down situation, then he’ll let him.

Sam speaks before she can get a word in, “We know your sisters didn’t go missing. This is where you used to live, before they were killed, and they were killed down in the basement, weren’t they?”

“My sisters were murdered. They weren’t too happy that I hadn’t made an appearance for the spell, which is why they chose not to move on. They were killed by some crazed madman who got a kick out of taking pictures of dead girls. I found them down there,” tears come to her eyes and she swallows, “I thought it was some sort of dream.”

Sam continues, softly, “And now they’re trying to....”

“Trying to kill me. Yes,” she sighs, “that’s why I left. I didn’t know that they weren’t tied to this house, that they weren’t tied to their bodies so as to be unable to leave. We’ve worked spells together before, but I was never really that into it. Usually people got hurt, even if it wasn’t physically. I didn’t want to be a part of that. I guess it saved my life, though not for long.”

_Smart girl. Too bad she’s gonna be the one to get herself out of this mess._

Gabriel’s grace pokes at his soul and he gasps, glaring over at the archangel.

The dick must have just read his thoughts entirely without his permission, something he does _not_ appreciate. It’s an invasion of privacy that’s a thousand times more of a breach of privacy and far more serious than simply stepping physically into his personal space. Then again, he’s not too shocked that Gabriel did it; Gabriel really does need to learn restraint in several areas of their too new relationship. Maybe he couldn’t control it, but it seemed more like he wanted to get on his nerves for fun. Doesn’t he know just how much energy it’s taking Dean to not want to shove him up against a wall?

“For someone about to die, you definitely seem nonchalant about it.”

Dean thinks, _Good going, Sammy._

“Maybe it’s because I just don’t care anymore. If tonight it can all be over, then I’ll take it.”

“And you’ll let another innocent die in the process?” Dean grits out, wanting to throttle the girl and make her see the bigger picture, make her see just how selfish she’s being. “If you want to end it so badly, then why don’t you just suck it up and kill yourself, so your sisters don’t have to kill their sixth victim?”

“Dean,” Sam warns again, but by the look on his face he knows Dean’s right.

She rolls her eyes tiredly at the both of them, “Once you start the ritual you can’t stop it. If you change your mind, you’ll be tied to your body forever as punishment. I don’t want that for my sisters.”

“Well, they’ve kinda already decided that for themselves, don’t you think?” Dean can’t believe this shit, he’ll put those girls down himself if he has to, he’ll....

“You’ll be tied to the house too, forever, once you die of course.” The familiar voice comes from behind them, and when Dean turns to face it he sees a knife pointed at Gabriel, who backs away from Lana with his hands up. Dean immediately growls at the threat to his mate, stepping forward to put himself between him and her, but then he notices that the statement was directed towards him. Lana seemed like the sweetest, most innocent girl only several hours ago, now a threat, and to Dean, threats are to be dealt with.

“Me? You got one thing wrong there, Lana. I’m not a virgin.”

She cocks her head to the side and it sickeningly reminds him of Cas. “No, you are.”

Dean thinks about it for a minute, but not before he tries to step in front of Gabriel and the archangel only steps right back in front of him. He has no idea what’s wrong, no idea why he isn’t using his mojo to rid her of the knife and send her to the floor already, but apparently he has bigger things to worry about, such as the threat on his life. Still a virgin? That can’t be right. Sure, he was remade by Castiel when he rescued him from the pit, which made him a virgin, but he’s had sex since then and not just once. There’s no way...

He notices the guilty look on Gabriel’s face then, and it all falls horrifyingly into place.

The bond shared between them... when Gabriel constructed it it must have remade Dean again in some way. He hasn’t slept with anyone since their bond was created, which can be the only explanation.

“Jesus Christ, Gabriel! How could you not have told me that?” He’d like to have this conversation in a slightly less crowded place, but he doesn’t have much choice. Who knows what the hell else Gabriel hasn’t told him? Things he needs to know, things he should have told him regardless of Dean’s actions. This bond... it’s much more compromising than he expected it to be.

“Well, you haven’t exactly been talkative or open to me since....”

“Shut it, Gabriel!” Dean glares at him so fiercely he’s surprised it’s not opening up a hole in the floor, and Gabriel immediately looks guilty again. Dean wants to know why Gabriel’s grace doesn’t seem to be functioning fucking properly, but he definitely doesn’t want Lex or Lana to know that Gabriel is an archangel. A trickster, sure, but not an archangel. There’d be serious consequences to that.

“So I’m the sixth then,” he faces Lana again, much angrier than before. Maybe he should have fucked Gabriel against the wall when he had had the chance multiple times.

She smiles at him, “You’re the sixth.”

Lex pleads, “Don’t do this, Lana! Whatever my sisters told you they won’t keep their word. I know them better than anyone, I’ve lived with them my entire life.”

Lana screams back at her, “They threatened Lara! You know more than anything that being a good sister means everything. I’ve been protecting Lara my entire life, and I am _not_ going to stop now.” She turns to Gabriel and Dean immediately becomes protective again, but he still won’t let Dean push him behind him. “And don’t even think about trying to use your grace on me again, or your _partner_ will suffer for it.”

Gabriel looks startled, “What...?”

“I’ve picked up a few things along the way. My mother wouldn’t have been as good of a witch as she was if she didn’t know how to block an archangel’s grace.” Her voice drips with contempt, especially when she says _archangel_ , and Dean really wants to strangle her no matter how young and innocent she may look.

He also wants to swear to high heaven but he keeps himself in place and bites his tongue. Gabriel looks devastated and furious and stupefied. There’s a sharp pang in Dean’s chest at the array of emotions playing out on his face, as well as how heavy they feel across the bond. He can tell that he’s trying to block Dean from them but he won’t let him. If he can’t shoulder at least some of the weight then what kind of boyfriend is he?

Dean starts walking towards her, both hands held up in front of him so as to convince her that he means no harm. “Look, Lana, you don’t want to do this. We can help you save Lara. Believe me, I know more than anyone that family is everything.”

“You wouldn’t let anything happen to Sam or him,” she motions towards Gabriel.

“I wouldn’t.” He finally reaches her and his hand falls on her shoulder. She is finally coming ‘round and it’s such a relief, but there’s also Gabriel’s warning through the tangled mess that is their bond, and he tells himself not to ignore it.

“Then you’d do anything to save them, even kill.” She shoves the knife upward before he can react and it slashes the side of his neck and then his hand, causing him to stumble back, pull his injured hand to his chest and press his uninjured hand to his neck. Before he can figure out the potential severity of both injuries, Sam surges forward in a flash of long hair and plaid and then falls to the floor.

Something slams into the back of his head before he can react.

And then the darkness descends on him before the pain can tear through him successfully.

* * *

 

_Dean..._

He comes to, with Gabriel’s voice in his head, merely drifting at the surface and not attempting to pry into his memories, for which he’s grateful, considering how much his head hurts. While he can’t make out any words at first, he can tell they’re panicked and concerned. He glances around the room long enough to realize that he’s alone, for the time being, and practically sinks back down into the floor before he realizes that he still has work to do.

He manages to make out: _Dean, where are you? Are you okay?_

Dean groans, shaking his head clear but regretting it when a sharp pain radiates throughout his skull. _M’ fine. Was jus’ caught off guard, tha’s all._ He swallows, trying to clear his mouth of its cottony texture.

Gabriel’s frantic, not-satisfied-at-all tone makes Dean feel slightly warm inside. But no, he’s not gonna admit to that, he’s not even gonna repeat it in his head to make sure Gabriel heard it. _How much blood did you lose?_ Gabriel’s voice asks.

He’d like to know that too. He presses a hand to his neck and is relieved to find that blood is no longer flowing. Either Gabriel managed to heal him or his panic was the massive overstatement of the year. He sighs, his hand is throbbing but he can live with that. _I’m fine, Gabriel. Trust me, we have bigger things to worry about. Like what happened to my brother._

 _Sam’s not dead,_ Gabriel tells him quickly. _She just knocked him out, that’s all._ Dean relaxes further at his words, easing himself carefully up into a sitting position. He leans against the wall before he even thinks about getting back up on his feet again.

_I would come find you, be your knight in shining armor and all, but I’m kinda tied up here myself, sweetie._

Dean figures telling Gabriel not to call him that wouldn’t do much good. Besides, he can hardly blame Gabriel for worrying about him and letting a pet name or two slip. _Wait a minute, how the fuck did they get the jump on you?_

 _Considering they know that I’m an archangel...,_ Gabriel sighs in frustration, _...repressing my grace means a lot of things, Dean. It’s pretty much rendered me useless._

 _Now come on, I know that’s not true._ He feels terrible that Gabriel would go so far as to call himself useless without his mojo. His grace isn’t what makes him who he is, and Dean loves him just fine without it. He will _always_ love him.

Yet Gabriel won’t give himself anything. _It is,_ he presses. _I was never a human, Dean, which means I have never had to function without at least a portion of my full power._

_What about with Loki then?_

_Portion of my full power, Dean?_ Gabriel reminds him, and Dean suddenly realizes that he’s actually communicating with Gabriel through their bond, something which he never thought he’d be able to figure out and even control, in a sense. He imagined only Gabriel’s voice could show up in his head, that he would never have power enough to talk to Gabriel when they were separated.

It’s a huge relief actually. Dean never has to feel like he’s alone again, there will always be Gabriel to communicate with.

The real question is if Gabriel can block out what Dean really doesn’t want him to hear.

 _I didn’t even think that that could happen_ , Dean thinks _. It seems a little too far-fetched if you ask me._ Witches should have nowhere near the power to suppress an angel’s grace, even if it’s only temporary, and especially an _archangel_. It scares Dean a whole helluva lot, but there isn’t much he can do about it and Gabriel _does_ sound fine.

 _There’s been rumors for millennia, but I didn’t think it was possible either. Apparently, it is._ Dean can hear the shame in Gabriel’s voice and it hurts, causing the grace inside him to shift ever so slightly. _I can feel my grace, the strongest part coming from what’s wrapped around your soul, but it almost feels like it isn’t mine._

Dean bites his lip, the voice in his head growing softer. _How long do you think it’ll last for?_

_Honestly, I have no idea. Don’t worry though, it’s not forever._

_Not forever,_ Dean repeats, _right... sure._ He’s shaking slightly from panic and exertion, but he manages to get up on his feet. Whatever happened to being the sixth victim anyway? He should be tied up and seconds away from death, not left untied in an empty room.

Gabriel interrupts his thought process, and Dean suddenly realizes that he could get used to the interruptions more often. He _misses_ Gabriel. _Think I’m in some sort of closet or something, if you’re not tied up too._

_No, I’m not. Be there as soon as I can._

_I’ll be waiting for you, my knight in shining armor._ Before Dean can reply to that he feels a slight pressure in his head that must mean Gabriel leaving. It’s weird and invasive, but Dean wouldn’t trade it for anything considering how much he needed to hear Gabriel’s voice. With this unexpected new twist in their relationship, Dean vows to explore other parts of their bond when they’re finished with this case. Who knows, it might come in handy down the road.

He starts down the hallway slowly - gun held in his hand - until Lana waltzes out from her hiding place up ahead. The gun doesn’t even seem to phase her. “You ready?”

“What makes you think I’d be willing to die?”

She shrugs, “Maybe the fact that I’ll kill your brother if you don’t.” Dean lowers his gun a little, having no reason to doubt her. This girl doesn’t look like she’s one for bluffing, and until he sees Sam he’s not going to put his life in danger.

“All this for your sister,” he remarks, amazed at how cold and determined she is. He shakes his head, “You’re too young for this. And you knew Gabriel was an archangel. How’d you manage to figure that one out?”

“I’m good at reading auras. He doesn’t have one, meaning he’s not human.”

“So? He could be a shape shifter, a vampire, a ghost....”

That last one hit her hard, and he wonders why.

“Your voice was shaking when you said _archangel_ earlier,” Lana says. “And then he said something about knowing what you’re thinking. Only archangels have telepathy. Although, I’m still not quite sure what _bonded_ means.”

Dean swallows hard and tries to come up with something to say to change the subject. They should have been more careful. _He_ should have been more careful. “You must be pretty drained from blocking grace.”

“Sure,” she gives him, tipping her head back a little and smiling again, “but I can handle it. Now come on, we don’t want you to be late to your own party.” She holds her hand out for the gun and Dean gives it to her, knowing he won’t be able to use it anyway. He then takes the hand that’s offered to him, noticing instantly how ice cold her skin is. He thinks about it for a second as they walk.

“For a fifteen year old girl, you sure do have a great sense of humor.” Dean sees something flicker in her eyes at that and he finally begins to suspect what’s going on.

Sam and the spitting image of Lana are tied back to back, and his brother immediately tenses when he catches sight of Dean. Well, at least they’ve found Lara. One of Lex’s dead sisters has her arm wrapped around Lex’s throat, a knife pressed barely to the skin. Her other hand holds the book Sam had shown Dean earlier. Lex’s other sister is nowhere in sight and he knows why. She’s possessing Lana instead.

“Lana!” One of the dead sisters barks, “Get over here and help me finish setting up.” Lana smirks and directs Dean to the middle of a circle, making sure he sits down and stays seated before she retreats into a dark closet to the right of Dean. One by one, the bodies of the five boys are dragged out and laid out around the circle, around _Dean_. He gags at the smell of the rotting corpses, but his eyes inevitably wander back towards the closet to see a pair of glowing eyes.

Gabriel.

He looks back to the circle he sits in, keeping himself calm and pretending he hasn’t noticed him. The boys are positioned so that if Dean were looking down at the circle, it would look suspiciously like the sun with the victims being its rays. It’s fucked up and Dean’s right smack dab in the middle of it.

He blocks the feel of Gabriel’s panic running through their bond; he can barely handle his own right now, let alone his boyfriend’s. He also does his best to block him so he can’t enter his head. Dean desperately wants to hear his voice, wants to be comforted and reassured by it, but he needs to keep his head clear right now. He doesn’t know what the hell he’d say to Gabriel anyway.

Dean also breaks eye contact with his brother, Sam and his pleading puppy dog eyes will be no help, Sam whose wrists are currently bleeding and whose blood is running down the side of his face, worrying Dean.

They’ll figure out some way out of this.

“They aren’t the ghosts of the dead girls, Dean,” and Dean can’t help but form eye contact. “They’re other ghosts, much older too, and they’re just possessing them....” Lana steps over to him and smacks him, hard, causing Lara to start crying.

Sam’s words aren’t a revelation to him though, he suspected as much the more Lana talked, and it was pretty much confirmed by the flicker in her eye when he said what her age was supposed to be. It isn’t Lana all right, she’s being possessed by another ghost, one who has been dead far longer than either of Lex’s sisters. Lana’s deep seated urge to protect her sister is real, but the ghost had merely drawn off of that earlier and intensified it. Natasha or Anya are being possessed by the second ghost, which would explain the need for six victims.

The ritual isn’t going to be performed so that they can kill Lex, they’re trying to bring themselves back to life.

Whoever the hell they are, Dean doesn’t much care. He just wants to put them back in the ground where they belong already.

He tries to move, foolishly thinking he may be able to make it to Sam in time, but something nearly physical is holding him in place, preventing him from doing anything more than itching his nose or clenching his hands into fists. He does the latter, pissed off and seeing red. It’s too late.

The ghost who isn’t Lana and the other ghost start chanting. “Mother Sun, Mother Sun, accept our gifts and welcome us back into your bosom. We who are your faithful servants, we who are your long-ago flesh and blood, we who are your children, the rays of your infinite beauty. Mother Sun, accept our sixth and final gift. Drink his blood, eat his skin, bathe in his life. We are, once more, bringers of your light.”

They go through their verse several more times and Dean wants to laugh at the absurdity of it all, but the laugher dies in his throat as the room around him begins to shake and the ceiling starts to crumble, plaster dust raining down on him. Sam looks at him with panicked eyes, his mouth moving but he remains unheard, covered by the voices of the girls, overtaken by the cacophony of his impending death.

_Dean. Dean, look at me._

_Not right now, Gabriel._

_Yes now, Dean. You infuriating, stupid human. You need to stop thinking that you’re in this alone because you’re not. Why the hell are you keeping me around if you can’t use me for something?_

Dean looks over at the closet again, latching onto Gabriel’s amber eyes which he can see perfectly even though he can’t make out the rest of him. He really needs Gabriel to shut up right now unless he has an _actual_ plan.

_You can take in more of my grace, Dean._

_What the fuck...?_ He’s frustrated as more dust rains down on him, wanting Gabriel to get on with it already. If the last thing he hears before he dies is Gabriel speculating then he’s gonna be _pissed_.

 _No, Dean!_ Gabriel instantly responds to Dean half-hearted attempt to block him out. _Look in my eyes and pull me inside you._

 _Do we have to think about sex right now? Cause, man, I know how much you want it, but right now is_ not _a good time, if you haven’t noticed already._

_Stop rambling and concentrate. We’re never even going to be able to have sex in the first place if you don’t listen to me. Unless your dying wish is for me to engage in necrophilia, in order for me to successfully mourn your passing._

He grimaces, though he has to admit that he does sorta love Gabriel for taking his mind off of the chanting and his own time clock ticking further and further down. _Dude, I did not need those images in my head. You’ve got some fucked up ideas, you know that?_

_And this one may be too, but we still have to try. Please, Dean. Open yourself up to the grace inside you and pull me towards it. Pull me into you._

_You better be right about this._

Dean takes a deep breath and begins the agonizingly slow process of pulling himself into his head and then his body. It’s infuriating, given he has to tune out reality and focus solely on himself, something which he never likes to do because it disables him from keeping an eye on Sammy. He does it anyway though, for Gabriel.

Dean delves deeper and deeper until he feels a pulsating warmth and locks onto it with every one of his senses. He breathes out and allows it to escape, traveling throughout his body and leaving pleasurable shock waves in its wake. Dean almost panics at the intrusion to unexplored parts of his body that he has only just allowed, but he relaxes again when he feels something more heady than joy embrace him.

Gabriel’s grace... the grace inside him seems to be singing.

Dean wants _more._

The girls are too busy and too focused on their little ritual to register that Dean is pulling fragment after fragment of grace into his own body. Gabriel doesn’t have access to it, but apparently Dean can tap into it easily enough, being his consenting bond-mate and all. With every further piece he pulls inside himself there is a burn, sudden and sharp, but as it recognizes his soul and adjusts to his body’s temperature it becomes a pleasant burn, one that warms him from head to toe, leaving him nearly dizzy and giving him power that he has never imagined before.

His body is starting to shut down as the ritual nears its close. He can feel it easily enough, feel the blood trickling down his neck and his breathing beginning to slow. He no longer has the strength or willpower to take in any more grace, yet he knows that he doesn’t need to.

As the girls concentrate more and more on finalizing their sixth victim, they lose more and more control on repressing Gabriel’s grace. Gabriel still doesn’t have access and couldn’t take it from the girls even if he wanted to, not until Dean is officially dead, but Dean uses his last reserves of energy to focus on Gabriel’s half-heard words inside his head, using them to pull Gabriel inside him metaphorically.

The archangel thanks him, and then he takes back what’s rightfully his.

Enough of his grace is leftover in Dean in order to keep him upright and breathing, but Gabriel takes back the majority of it and flies across the room in less than a blink of an eye. He only leaves the room for a moment, to burn Natasha’s and Anya’s bones, Dean hazily suspects. He can’t watch exactly what happens, his eyes too big for his head resulting in him having to close them for several seconds, yet when he opens them again Lana has tears running down her face as she crosses the space between her and her sister and unties her, freeing Sam in the process.

Sam is holding him upright the next time he comes back to himself, checking him over for serious injuries. Lana - the _real_ Lana - hovers over them, tearing off a piece of her dress and offering it to Sam, who takes it and wraps it around Dean’s hand.

Lex looks shell shocked that her sisters weren’t the ghosts, that she couldn’t tell the difference, though Lana seems to be coming back to herself quickly enough. Gabriel checks over all three girls first before he makes his way over to Dean, and nothing could make Dean more proud of him than that.

_We did it._

Dean isn’t sure if he successfully passes his own revelation through their bond, but he slumps forward into Sam and slips away, only able to hope that he did.

* * *

 

_Somehow you are everything and more to me. You have opened my eyes, Dean._

Getting out of that damn house seems like a miracle. They step into unnatural moonlight and Dean looks up, breathing in the fresh night air.

“We did good.” Dean smiles, feeling accomplished and genuinely good about the way the case had turned out. He’s still a little dizzy and shaky from blood-loss, but once he got some water in him - a bottle Gabriel conjured up - he felt a helluva lot better.

Getting to know a little about the girls had been unexpected but a nice surprise, in a way, and he’s relieved that they’re all in one piece. He’s warmed by the protective younger sister that Lana is, watching the two of them as she checks over Lara and only painfully able to connect it to him and Sammy. As she looks up at him and smiles he finds that he’s honored to know her. One look over at Sam and he knows he feels the same way; his brother looks more than just satisfied but actually happy - without strings attached - for a change. He nods once at Dean and with a smile, pulls away to take a walk with Lara.

Gabriel has quickly taken a liking to Lana, but surprisingly when Dean faces Gabriel, the fifteen year old girl has pulled back and now only watches Gabriel out of the corner of her eye. It must have just happened because the archangel’s eyes aren’t on him yet. Dean almost shoots her a glare, thinking about scolding her for her involvement in his love life, but then he realizes that he owes Lana quite a lot.

He needed pushing by someone who wasn’t Gabriel or Sam, needed to hear about Gabriel from someone who didn’t know him at all, a complete stranger who only had their perceptions to rely on. It worked, he can feel their bond pick away at his doubts until there is nothing else to fall back on.

Dean wants nothing more than to be with Gabriel.

Trying to ignore a slightly hovering Lana, Dean clears his throat awkwardly and Gabriel turns towards him immediately, eyes a warm golden color, eyes that seem to melt as they meet his own. Dean’s still not used to this, even after months of avoiding his gaze, not used to Gabriel looking at him like this, giving him his undivided attention. He finds he wants to get used to it though, so badly.

Maybe he’ll never truly feel like he deserves the archangel, but maybe he can try anyway.

“We did what we came here to do, Dean-o. Those ghosts got what was coming to them and the other girls, the living ones anyway, are just peachy.” Lana laughs when Gabriel winks at her and takes that as her cue to leave, heading down the same path her twin sister and Sam chose. Dean watches her go with affection, he could get used to having her around. She makes him feel young and worth something again, and getting Gabriel to smile is always a treat because let’s be honest, Dean certainly doesn’t have the capacity to.

“Yeah, you know, I really think that they’re gonna be okay. They’ve got each other, which is a helluva lot.”

He’s starting to ease his way into Gabriel little by little, wanting to get to know the _real_ him. He remembers Gabriel’s antics, remembers how much of a chatterbox he used to be, how he loved women and food and candy. He hasn’t seen that side of Gabriel since they’ve reunited and it physically pains him to know he’s been the cause of the change in Gabriel. If it’s permanent, Dean will never forgive himself.

“You think too much. Seriously, Winchester, chill out, sit back and take in the scenery. Your head’s gonna explode one of these days.”

A soft voice makes itself known then, a song starting out low but then rising in volume. Dean recognizes it but can’t pinpoint where exactly he heard it. He looks over and sees Lex staring up at the sky, mouth opening and closing gracefully as she sings a sweet lullaby.

_On the floating, ship-less oceans_

_I did all my best to smile_

_Till your singing eyes and fingers_

_Drew me loving to your isle_

It changes the moment drastically for Dean. He had felt himself already start to pull away from Gabriel again, afraid of the consequences of giving in, but Lex’s angelic voice grounds him and convinces him to remain here.

_And you sang, sail to me_

_Sail to me, let me enfold you_

_Here I am, here I am_

_Waiting to hold you_

She isn’t paying the slightest bit of attention to them, or appears not to be, anyway. Dean finds the confidence to move on.

“Did you want to take a walk?” The words come to his lips effortlessly, and he’s happy he offered because Gabriel’s knowing smile is brighter than any sunset could ever be.

Lex’s voice carries softly across the lake, lulling Dean into a peaceful state of mind, a state of mind where he’s happy but doesn’t have to think about it. He rarely has days like this anymore, where he doesn’t have to force his smile or be weighed down by negative thoughts he hates to admit derived mainly from his childhood.

After they cross the bridge he and Gabriel stroll slowly along the bank of the lake. Gabriel is closest to the water, occasionally stopping and picking up a pebble to skip across the smooth, undisturbed surface. Dean stops and watches him, mesmerized by the way his shoulders move as he throws a pebble, by the curve of his neck and the glint in his eye. Lex’s voice is drifting slowly away but it’s still there, meant to haunt him and keep him in this moment.

“Guess it really is over then, isn’t it?” He has no idea what to do next, doesn’t want to be the one to make the first move.

Luckily, he doesn’t have to.

Gabriel is on him in a flash, as if sensing Dean’s given up the tight control he kept over himself. Gabriel’s eyes pierce through Dean’s own and almost cause them to water, and there are hands holding onto Dean’s arms, restraining him but somehow unable to prevent their warm selves from running up and down his chilled arms. Dean shivers, trying to resist falling too deeply into the archangel’s penetrating gaze.

Trying to understand why Gabriel would want him so much.

His head doesn’t turn but his eyes look away, challenging Gabriel, trying to show that the archangel can do whatever he sees fit with him. He has shown avoidance and neglect and even a hatred for the archangel that had never existed in the first place. He deserves Gabriel’s anger, all of it, every drop....

“If my grace had chosen anyone else....” Gabriel shakes his head, features full of such awe that’s being directed nowhere but towards Dean. “You are more than I could have ever dreamed, Dean.”

Dean’s voice comes out as a strained murmur, “Don’t say things like that.”

“Why? Am I not good enough for you, sweetheart?” Gabriel jokes, but Dean can’t see anything past his own worthlessness. Gabriel seems to sense it too, for he wraps Dean up tighter in his arms, nuzzling his head against Dean’s neck. “If you could hear my grace, hear how it sings out for you.” Gabriel presses a solid kiss to his neck and Dean squirms a little, but not because he wants to pull away. “I say things like that because you need to hear them, because you need to know that you’re a good man.”

“Don’t,” Dean protests, trying to pull away when every single one of his senses is screaming at him to pull himself further into the archangel’s embrace.

“Hate to break it to you, but your protests are kinda weak. And they’re not doing much but making you look even more adorable.” Dean smiles shyly at that and Gabriel wraps an arm around his waist. “Is it too soon, kiddo? Cause I’ve gotta tell you, you’ve certainly tortured me for long enough.”

“Yeah, I think we should wait till we get back to the motel.”

“Your wish is my command,” Gabriel relaxes his arm but doesn’t let go of his human. Dean can see the possessiveness in his eyes and he loves it. He feels a little guilty over making Gabriel wait for another few minutes or so, but the archangel doesn’t seem to mind too much. Sam can get a ride back with the girls, and hopefully he doesn’t catch a ride too soon. Dean wants to make it up to Gabriel tonight, in his own way. Rough five minute sex isn’t gonna cut it; hell, he doesn’t think a whole week of non-stop sex and constant groping is gonna cut it.

He looks back at Lex and can see her smile in the dark, her sweet voice following him like a long-forgotten lullaby from his childhood. If the song does anything, it pushes him even further towards his bond-mate.


	5. Best Dream in My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Train’s ‘Breakfast in Bed.’

_~You’re the best book I ever read_

_You’re the smartest thing I ever said_

_You’re breakfast in bed~_

* * *

 

_I love having you in my head._

Gabriel is whisking him away to some lavish room in some high-end resort of his own invention when Dean finally gives into impatience. Dean isn’t paying much attention to his surroundings; in fact, he barely notices the shift of the world around them as he’s moved abruptly from one place to another. He can feel Gabriel in his head and it feels like no intrusion, can feel his warmth sweeping out towards every part of him, sating him. Gabriel’s smile is there in the dark, his hands on Dean gentle and protective.

The archangel practically carries him over the threshold and into the room once the door opens, and then over to the bed. Dean gives him what he wants but enjoys it secretly himself, overwhelmed by such warmth and genuine love. He never imagined he could want Gabriel this much, _love_ Gabriel this much.

Despite Dean falling backwards on the bed and facing Gabriel, who hovers over him with a wide grin on his face, and despite the startling urgency Gabriel has shown with every movement and look, they don’t strip each other of their clothes at first and Gabriel must be nowhere near impatient enough, for he doesn’t snap his fingers to rid them of their clothes either.

They spend long moments - maybe even _hours -_ kissing and writhing against one another, basking in the moment, enjoying touching each over in the near dark. Gabriel’s soft fingers linger on nearly every part of him, spending achingly long minutes examining every inch of Dean’s skin, experimenting with their bond as his grace brushes against Dean at unexpected moments.

Dean couldn’t close his eyes and hide from this moment even if he wanted to, but the strangest, most beautiful thing is that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to hide one thing from Gabriel, not the heartbreak or the dark thoughts at the back of his mind, not the feeling of desperation or the simultaneous thought and fear of loving someone so entirely but not being loved back.

If there’s one truth in this world that Dean finally knows, it’s that Gabriel loves him.

His grace doesn’t take up everything and it doesn’t answer for everything that they are. The archangel’s grace didn’t create the love in his eyes, and the both lustful and protective glances he sends towards Dean are not fashioned entirely from their bond.

Even if their bond was created accidentally there must have been a reason for it.

Gabriel ceases moving and takes one incredibly long look at Dean before he eventually hurries things up - not that Dean needed him to - and patiently waits as Dean removes his own clothes, which is a little awkward considering he never takes his eyes off of the mesmerizing figure of Gabriel’s vessel. Dean licks his lips, enjoying the taste of Gabriel’s mouth after it descends on his own, moaning as Gabriel’s fingers run through his hair and down his naked body.

For tonight, it’s just him and Gabriel.

It’s the finest slice of heaven Dean Winchester has ever obtained.

* * *

 

_I love having you in my head too._

Dean wakes up slowly, comfortably warm and the most sated he’s ever felt. He smiles because he knows exactly where he is, and reaches a hand out to find some piece of Gabriel, knowing he’s lying somewhere beside him. He doesn’t open his eyes, hand reaching for only a fraction of a second before his fingers close on something soft.

His eyes snap open and he comes face-to-face with a massive set of wings.

Dean’s first instinct is to get out of bed and run, given the nightmares he’s had of them, but then he remembers Gabriel’s wings seeming to shrink slightly as he allowed the archangel’s grace to wind around his soul. He remembers how powerful he had felt and how happy he had been in that moment, remembers the shimmering beauty of his wings, the need to feel them around him as Gabriel’s grace caressed every inch of his soul.

He reaches out again... tentatively, and gasps when his fingers find contact again. He doesn’t want to wake Gabriel, who appears to be asleep even though angels aren’t supposed to need sleep, but the urge to touch the feathers is too strong to ignore. They’re even softer than they look, bending ever so slightly under Dean’s careful grasping.

The colors are amazing too, only getting more stunning with every viewing. They had been difficult to see the very first time, partly because he was in so much pain and also because Dean didn’t want to see them in the first place, not wanting to accept Gabriel. Then when Dean let his tightly maintained self-control go and accepted Gabriel entirely they had sparkled like a million fireflies, and Dean had been so overwhelmed by Gabriel’s grace that he wasn’t paying much attention that time either.

But now... now Dean is able to see them in their entirety with a clear head and even clearer intentions. If he’s going to accept Gabriel, then he’s going to love every part of him, even the parts of him that may have terrified him at first.

The wings are even bigger than Dean recalled, rising above Gabriel’s small form and even above the headboard like an impenetrable barrier protecting them from the rest of the world. They are not brown but warm, mellow amber, sparkling whenever the sun from the window reaches them. Even with Gabriel sleeping they still move slightly, twitching and resettling and Dean watches in awe. They are so close to him, as if Gabriel had wanted to wrap his mate in them but then thought it would be too early to take that step in their relationship.

Don’t get him wrong, Dean’s thrilled that Gabriel realizes his hesitance and his need to take things slow, but he feels even guiltier because he doesn’t want Gabriel to think for a second that he doesn’t love and want to know every part of him.

He inches closer to the wings, letting one brush against his cheek.

Dean is focusing so completely on them that when he looks away he jumps at the realization that Gabriel is watching him intently, his golden eyes enhancing the color of his wings.

Dean clears his throat awkwardly, “Sorry. I totally just kinda molested you there.”

“Not at all.” Gabriel smiles at him gently, his eyes never leaving his own. Dean has no way of finding out what he’s thinking, but the affectionate look in his mate’s eyes causes a sharp pang in his heart. It’s difficult to return that look, to feel as if he deserves that look. “I’m ecstatic that you’re open to that part of me.”

“Yeah.” What the hell else can he say to that? That he wants to love Gabriel so badly, all of him but he doesn’t know if he can do it in a way that’s good enough? That he doesn’t know how he’ll ever open up _that_ completely? ”But I shouldn’t have touched them without your go ahead, not to mention when you were sleeping. It wasn’t right of me,” Dean admits, wanting to be fair, _needing_ to be fair. “I should have waited.”

_I can’t rush or I’m gonna pull away again, I know it._

“Like I did?”

“I’m sorry.” He honestly can’t say it enough, all the shit he put Gabriel through, all the denial that Gabriel didn’t really love him, didn’t truly want to be where he was. He has so many mistakes to make up for, all those months he could have had with Gabriel but instead threw away. He still doesn’t feel deserving of Gabriel’s love and attention, still doesn’t feel like he deserves being here: in Gabriel’s heart and in his bed.

He can’t say all this out loud though, it’d be taking a step backward.

“Really, Dean. I’m head over heels in love with the fact that you seem willing to accept me.” His hand cards through Dean’s hair for a moment before ruffling it and then sitting up, tucking his wings into his back.

Dean swallows, wanting to tell the archangel how grateful he is that he doesn’t have to focus on the wings anymore, doesn’t have to feel like expectation is peeling away layer after layer of skin. “How could I not? All you’ve done for me, you saved my life....”

Gabriel’s hand covers his mouth before he can go on. “I hope last night wasn’t entirely meant to make up for your behavior these past few months.”

“No, it wasn’t. I realized that I....”

“That you what?” Gabriel’s pushing just a little but not enough to scare Dean off. Dean wonders, not for the first time, how he got stuck with someone so wonderful. All he remembers of Gabriel from the past is his troublesome antics and pushing him and Sam into difficult situations. Dean could be viewing the last few months as payback for the archangel’s manipulation of their lives, but Gabriel did give his life to save him and Sam, and Dean never really hated him in the first place.

Hating Gabriel would be like hating himself, that’s how alike they are.

“How come you’re being so nice to me? I’ve been a dick to you and you’ve been nothing but patient and giving and understanding.”

Gabriel’s hand cups Dean’s face and Dean doesn’t think he could ever get sick of the gesture of affection. “This is all new to me too, kiddo. I’m as scared and hesitant about things as you are, yet I’m also excited. There are so many brand new things that I get to explore with you, so much fun to be had. I want to share it all with _you_. The things I’ve done in the past, Dean....,” Gabriel shakes his head and lowers his gaze, making Dean want to know more.

He takes the archangel’s hand and squeezes, willing him to continue. “I’ve done terrible things to good, innocent people and to bad. I want to start over, give someone a good life and give myself a second chance to have a good time too, just not like before. ‘Cause the thing is, Dean-o,” Gabriel smiles crookedly but it’s the sweetest smile Dean’s ever seen, “I have never felt what I feel towards you for anyone before. This is real and I’m not gonna be a dick and screw it up. We both deserve better than that.”

“You said yourself that you’re new to this, so how the hell do you know the bond we have isn’t creating things that aren’t there?”

Gabriel’s silent for a few minutes after that and Dean really just wishes that he had shut his mouth. They had a great night together last night, a night Dean will never forget, but there are still so many unanswered questions. Every time he thinks about living with Gabriel and wallows in loving him, it doesn’t feel fair to either one of them that there’s still way too much they just don’t know.

He can’t let Gabriel down again; he is _not_ gonna keep pushing him away.

Nothing has to change as far as he’s concerned; he doesn’t have to give up hunting with Sam or still trying to figure out just how deep his feelings are for Gabriel. He does have to be more open though, and he realizes this every time he looks at Gabriel and sees what he could be giving away.

More than anything, Gabriel wants a second chance and Dean’s going to give that to him.

“I don’t know, Dean. You’re right about that, but I’m also not letting you give up on us. I truly believe the bond couldn’t have been put in place unless there was already something there to begin with. I haven’t told you much, Dean, but I’ve always had a soft spot for you. I’m not lying about that so I can get what I want. I would _never_ lie to you, Dean.”

Maybe the bond wasn’t a mistake, just maybe....

Dean feels giddy when he remembers Gabriel’s fingers squeezed up against his own. Gabriel always knows how to make him feel better, more at ease. Dean can be himself around him, knows that’s all the archangel wants too, just someone that he can be himself around. The past few months feel like a dream, the only thing that feels real was when he went back to Elysian Fields. If he can start over and go from there... maybe he can make this work after all.

Dean decides to try something new and splays his hand on the back of Gabriel's head, pulling him closer so they can kiss.

Gabriel can’t keep his hands to himself and they slip below the waistband of Dean’s boxers; Dean doesn’t stop him, only kisses deeper until he has to pull away for air. He can feel Gabriel’s grace nudging him gently to open himself up to their bond more, and when Dean does he’s rewarded with a warmth that makes him feel dizzy. It’s the farthest thing from pain and the most pleasurable experience he’s ever had.

“Can I just spend everyday in bed with you?”

Gabriel chuckles - eyes sparkling - and nuzzles his neck, a hand ruffling his hair. “I’m sure that can be arranged, although I’m also sure that you’ll get sick of me after a while.”

“Shut up,” Dean smirks, pulling Gabriel under him and kissing him again.

* * *

 

_Our bond is flourishing perfectly._

They spent most of the rest of the week in bed, retreating to the diner Gabriel constructed specifically for Dean next door only when he felt he was about to keel over if he didn’t get any food in him.

What had been made out to be so difficult before only came easily to Dean now that he stopped worrying and let Gabriel in.

His dreams were filled to bursting with Gabriel’s fingers dancing over his skin, his lips ghosting across his own and those warm and familiar eyes, a molten gold in the darkness, so full of love and a surprising understanding that Dean certainly didn’t deserve, taking him in all at once and holding him in limbo. Gabriel even visited him in those dreams, occasionally, touching him in all the right places and blurring the line separating fantasy from reality. Everything about the archangel seemed like fantasy though, a beautiful, startling dream-world that Dean never wanted to leave.

It was an obsession neither one of them could control or even wanted to control.

He felt high, _so high_ , and he feared crashing back down to the ground, coming back to reality in order to realize that Gabriel never came back at all, especially not for him. He had no way of knowing whether the bond between them worked on Gabriel the same way that it worked on him.

Gabriel didn’t seem to be faking in anything, not even in the amount of affection and time he showered on the human. Either that affection was created entirely by the bond or was only enhanced by it. It scared Dean to think about the bond between them breaking, to think about everything slipping in between his fingers, which is why he vowed to enjoy everything while it lasted.

Dean Winchester wasn’t meant to have a happy ending, only maybe some temporary joy if he was lucky.

He pushed himself more than he ever had before, wanting to show Gabriel that he loved him, that he had always loved him since he had first laid eyes on him. They were so alike and it still baffled him, that they fit together so perfectly, like puzzle pieces that came to each other certainly like magnets. There must have been some doubt in Gabriel’s mind after all that time waiting and hoping and praying, but Dean knew it had evaporated bit by bit the night before. He had made sure of that.

Everything in him just swam up to the surface, everything he thought he had lost, that maybe never even existed in him in the first place. Every half-hearted prayer to see Gabriel again, for Gabriel to fuck him into the nearest wall and then hold him when it was all over. He had only ever let himself believe for a second that Gabriel could be both forceful and gentle at the same time. He was a fucking archangel, for god’s sake. Archangels were cruel dicks who could give a flying fuck about humans.

Gabriel dressed as Dr. Sexy had been an embarrassing dream come true and Dean had started hoping again, hoping that Gabriel could see him, _really_ see him. He swallowed down his words and tampered down what he felt, but there was no mistaking what he wanted and there was no running away from it either, not when the archangel kept on annoyingly popping up anytime he least expected.

He was taunting him, there was no other explanation.

The more and more Dean hoped, the harder he was forced to fall. Gabriel was laughing at his stupid obsession under his smirk, snickering at his forlorn looks and hanging head. Gabriel felt absolutely nothing towards him and why should he anyway?

And then Dean had actually gotten through to him and Gabriel walked in, handed him a DVD and looked at him with eyes so big and an expression so apologetic that Dean’s heart filled near to bursting and the oxygen was sucked out of his head, leaving him dizzy and shaky. He couldn’t let Gabriel go through with it, couldn’t accept his sacrifice, but he did.

He let Gabriel die.

That look didn’t mean anything, not in any rational sense, but it suddenly meant everything to Dean when he was gone. Gabriel had felt _something_ for him, something that he felt fit to show him just before he stood up to his brother. It became painfully clear to him that he would never know what that look meant, would never know what would have become of the two of them had Gabriel survived.

Yet he had survived and here he was now, curled up beside him in bed, content to give the human everything and more.

The question was why he had pushed himself away for so long, why he didn’t feel good enough. Gabriel had righted his wrongs, and even if Dean had pushed him in that direction it didn’t matter. The strength and courage that had pushed Gabriel to stand up to his brother would never be forgotten, and it made Gabriel into a different person in more ways than the archangel could imagine. He was worthy in Dean’s eyes, worthy of being happy, of wanting something, even if that something was Dean.

Gabriel treated him as if he deserved everything and more and even if Dean didn’t fully believe that - didn’t even come close to believing that - Gabriel believed enough for the both of them.

It’s enough for now and maybe it’ll be enough for a long while longer. Only time will tell.

“Can I touch them?” He doesn’t need to ask permission in Gabriel’s eyes, but somehow Dean needs the go-ahead, needs to _ask_ , as if something bad will happen this time if he doesn’t.

Gabriel chuckles, warm amber eyes unfolding him. “You almost died from looking at them, kiddo, and yet you still want to touch them.” Dean nods, feeling far away for some reason, knowing that when he touches the downy feathers he won’t feel so far away anymore. Gabriel sees the hungry look in his eyes but unlike before, when he had slid away as if Dean would hurt him, this time he cups Dean’s face with one hand and guides Dean’s hand through his slightly trembling feathers with the other.

“I’ll be careful,” Dean tells him, just for safety’s sake, his movements slow and his tense from anticipation body relaxing.

Gabriel smiles at him, “I know you will be. I’ve just...,” he breathes out and Dean can tell he’s trying to relax, “never had a human touch them before. Didn’t even know it was possible.”

“Me neither,” Dean murmurs. He starts to bring his hand back down to the bed but Gabriel grabs it again and Dean relents, touching a feather lightly first just like before, then touching another with more certainty and more _meaning_. Gabriel’s massive wings encircle him then, wrapping around him gently, brushing against his completely exposed back and sides. Dean doesn’t jump this time and he’s proud of himself.

There is darkness underneath the wings, not as permeating as hell, but a darkness that seems to call out to him nonetheless. There is also Gabriel. Gabriel, whose wings shift so swiftly and so softly that Dean thinks Gabriel’s wings are the most natural thing in the world.

“How do they feel to you?” Gabriel asks uncertainly, as if expecting Dean to say something that will scare both of them off. Dean’s not going to be anywhere near that reckless again. He wants to open himself up to Gabriel completely; even though Gabriel can read him all too well anyway, it’s only fair that he doesn’t make him fight for it. They’ve wasted enough time.

“Nice.” Dean kisses him, flourishing under the archangel’s attention. He feels strong and powerful and revitalized, and there’s this fullness in him - most likely the bond - that keeps growing and growing.

Gabriel chuckles, “I don’t think I’ll ever understand you, Winchester.”

“I think you already do.” Dean surprises even himself when he says it, but he realizes that it is true. Gabriel gets him, he really understands why he is the way he is. He doesn’t expect anything of Dean except for time and at least trying to accept the bond. That’s all Dean has to do, just to be honest and to _try._ It seems fair enough and it is, and Gabriel could be a dick to him but he isn’t.

His eyes light up at his admission and Dean tries not to blush but he probably does anyway.

Gabriel is certainly not who Dean thought he was. He’s patient and he has so much love to give that it could fill the entire world. He doesn’t gravitate towards anyone but Dean though, and his grace - which almost seems like a living being at times - seems to love Dean just as much as Gabriel does.

Gabriel could fight the bond - he’s an archangel for fuck’s sake - but he’s already accepted it and embraced it.

Now it’s Dean’s turn.

“How about we go get you a slice of pie?”

“Now that,” Dean agrees, “sounds like heaven.”

Gabriel is dressed within one mere blink on Dean’s part, but whether it’s to show off or merely due to impatience, he doesn’t know. Gabriel saunters on up to his human, helping him to button the shirt he just threw on, not able to wipe the smirk off his face even if he wanted to. Dean drops his hands and lets Gabriel dress him, even if it does make him feel slightly like his pet.

He could whip up a pie for them at this very moment, but they both need to get out of the room anyway. Dean’s dying for some fresh air; not hunting in nearly a week will do that to you.

“What are you thinking about?” Dean asks when Gabriel is buttoning his jeans, mouth teasing with the zipper and then button briefly. He’s trying to draw attention away from his cheeks growing pink and the archangel’s purposely slow movements. Gabriel’s breath against Dean’s neck when the archangel stands up reeks of cotton candy and too many intentions to be counted.

Gabriel kisses him, long and slow, and Dean can swear that time actually slows down and maybe even stops for their sake. Gabriel certainly has the ability to alter time, and maybe what feels like a week together will actually turn out to be just a day in the real world, but Dean doesn’t care anyway. He could go for more time spent with the archangel.

“You,” Gabriel finally answers, kissing Dean’s heated cheeks. “What else would I be thinking about?” He licks a long stripe along Dean’s neck and Dean shivers, his blush deepening. Gabriel takes his hand and pulls him towards the door, all the while grinning, “Don’t you go getting shy on me now, Dean-o. Even though, I have to admit....” He studies the human with hungry eyes and Dean wonders just how much time Gabriel _does_ want alone with him. “You are adorable when you blush.”

Dean opens his mouth to protest, but Gabriel teleports them from the room before he can even get a syllable out.

“Hey! Could’ve given a guy a warning. Just saying.” He shakes his head clear even though he doesn’t feel the slightest bit dizzy; he feels great actually, nothing like when Castiel shifts him from one place to another. Hopefully, considering how he’s feeling, there won’t be any unwanted side effects later on.

Gabriel pats Dean’s stomach gently and leads him over to a booth, shoving a menu under Dean’s nose. Without much thought, Dean suspects that the diner isn’t a real place, just something convenient that Gabriel whipped up.

“What flavor are you thinking about today?”

Dean doesn’t know but doesn’t really care either, only glancing over the menu briefly before he looks up at Gabriel again, studying him carefully as he calls over a waitress. Her mouth chews on the pen cap instead of looking at them, “What can I get you two?”

“Lemon meringue for me,” Gabriel winks at her but she doesn’t seem to notice or care. Dean isn’t really jealous but the air does shift around him for a moment. “What about you, kiddo?” The archangel seems so happy, like a kid in a candy store, and Dean feels slightly proud but also guilty that he’s responsible for that happiness. He doesn’t want to be the sole factor that makes Gabriel happy, doesn’t want to know what it feels like to let him down again.

Dean really wishes Gabriel wouldn’t give him any name other than his own in public. Then again, are they actually in public, considering that this place is most likely entirely of Gabriel’s construction?

“Uh,” he pinches the bridge of his nose, his vision wavering as he stares at the menu. He suddenly feels this ache in him and it keeps on spreading until he feels like he’s sick to his stomach. Maybe he overexerted himself during the week... Gabriel certainly can be demanding when he wants to be, in his own way.

“Not hungry?” Gabriel asks him curiously as he picks at the pie on his plate. He honestly doesn’t remember the last few minutes, looking up at Gabriel tiredly before glancing down at his pie, curious to see what he ordered or what Gabriel ordered for him. Lemon meringue... he never was one much for lemon.

Even if he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on with him, Gabriel seems to have an idea.

“Getting homesick, aren’t you?”

He puts the fork down before he takes a mouthful, looking up at Gabriel guiltily. It’s more than just being homesick, it feels like there’s a vital piece of him that’s gone, that Gabriel’s taken from him somehow. “No, I....”

He shrugs, “It’s okay, sweetheart. No need to fret. I know you miss Sam, I kinda miss Samsquatch too. It’s been a long few days, humans aren’t meant to keep up with archangels, you know,” he winks and steals a bite of Dean’s still uneaten pie, “even ones they’re bonded to. I admit,” he chatters on, “I maybe pushed you a little too hard and a little too fast. I can get carried away sometimes, especially with you. But you can’t deny that it was fun.”

Dean glances back down at the pie, which looks cold and seems to be wilting before his very eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Gabriel shrugs it off, but Dean can detect the disappointment in his voice. He probably wants forever with him but Dean can’t give him that, not in the way he wants anyway. “I’m happy to have gotten even just some time with you. You’re worth a lot more than that though, and I wish you would realize it. But, for now, just eat your pie and I’ll take us back.”

He takes a bite, wanting to satisfy Gabriel, wanting to thank him for the week from heaven. It tastes like sawdust in his mouth though, and the concerned frown on Gabriel’s face is a perfect reminder of just how much they’ve rushed into things.

Sure, Dean did make the both of them wait, but a week with Gabriel in bed, having amazing sex, never a moment away from him when he hardly knows the guy? Gabriel knows it just as well as Dean does: rushing into sex doesn’t mean anything, it just means that they still have a helluva lot to learn about each other.

It’s terrifying and daunting but it’s also something to look forward to. It means their obsession with each other will lessen and their heads will become clearer. They’ll learn how to control the bond, and maybe even get rid of it.

He doesn’t blame Gabriel for accidentally creating the bond, he didn’t know what he was doing at the time anyway, but Dean hardly thought that it would last. Both his brothers are after Dean and Sam, and Michael will eventually claim Dean as his rightful vessel. It’s only a matter of time, Gabriel has to realize that. For someone who wants nothing to do with heaven, Gabriel’s certainly kinda going head to head with his older brother.

Dean’s scared for him more than just a little, scared that he will pay the price _again_ for choosing humans over his own family. It didn’t end well before and it won’t end well now, especially not with how powerful Dean suspects the bond to be. It will be broken, one way or another, and better if he do it then put Gabriel in unnecessary danger.

Because even if this _is_ Gabriel’s choice, Dean’s still letting it happen, he’s choosing _not_ to shove Gabriel away anymore. He won’t let Gabriel get hurt; he will die before he lets that happen again. If he devastates Gabriel in the process, then so be it.

Gabriel shares a small smile with him before he places a hand on his arm, squeezes gently, and causes the booth to seem to shift underneath him.

When Dean looks up the pie is gone and the ache in his chest has faded slightly. He glances around him quickly, panicking that Gabriel didn’t come with him but relaxing when he sees him already lounging out on the couch, licking a lollipop to death. The motel room is silent other than his obnoxious sucking of the candy, and it becomes clear quickly that they’re alone. Dean doesn’t mind, it’s not that he doesn't want to be alone with Gabriel, he just wants to get back to his old life, back to the hunting and the ganking and maybe even the research.

“I’ve had enough of these cockroach-infested places.”

Gabriel snaps his fingers and the room alters and expands before Dean’s eyes. The first thing he notices is a chandelier hanging from the ceiling in the dining room, and he rolls his eyes at the archangel, who merely grins at him and gets to work on redesigning, or rather, recreating the rooms.

He leaves Gabriel to it and takes his long-neglected phone out of his pocket, and he can’t help but notice the two-hundred missed calls from his brother, who he pretty much completely forgot about during the past week. He sighs, deciding not to call him back and to try to make it up to Gabriel in some way instead. He sets the phone on the table - figuring Sam will show up sooner or later - and walks up to Gabriel, gripping his crisp white shirt in his clenched hands.

Gabriel stops what he’s doing immediately.

He lets Dean push him backward into the wall, let’s Dean kiss him stupid and bend down so he can pull the zipper of his too tight jeans down with his teeth. Gabriel’s fingers are in the disheveled spikes of his hair and it’s like they fit there, and the archangel pulls his head closer to his crotch, holding him there for only several moments before he strangely picks Dean up and moves them around the room. Dean shakes his head, trying to clear it, disoriented by their change in position. His lips are smashed up against Gabriel’s now and he can’t help but moan at the taste of his mouth, his hands trying their best to rip his jeans off.

Too many clothes between them... way too many clothes....

They end up on the couch somehow, Gabriel straddling Dean and Dean grasps at his ass for balance and for the embarrassing reassurance that Gabriel hasn’t left him stranded and exposed. He forces the dizziness down and fumbles again with Gabriel’s jeans. “How the fuck did you get these on in the first place?”

“You like my tight ass, Dean-o. So stop complaining.” Gabriel changes position so that his back is now pressed into the couch. Dean has a much easier time stripping the both of them of their clothes then, kissing the archangel hungrily and letting Gabriel’s eager hands drift to where they want to go.

“You are so perfect, Dean.”

He’s so dazed when he hears the words that he isn’t sure whether they’re spoken out loud or if he’s just imagining them. Gabriel stills his hands, temporarily preventing them from dipping down further, planting a dozen small kisses on his face and neck, ultimately convinces him that his _boyfriend_ did just say those words.

Can they even call themselves boyfriends, or is it still too early for that?

Dean doesn’t know, and he learns not to care when Gabriel’s teeth nip at his neck and his smile lights up the stuffy room. “So perfect,” Gabriel says again and Dean can hear it loud and clear this time. He buries his face in the archangel’s neck, momentarily trying to escape from Gabriel’s admissions, but he won’t let him and kisses the human until he’s nearly squealing and out of his hiding place.

“Gabriel!”

“Shut up and enjoy it.” He rubs his hands along Dean’s back, convincing him to let Gabriel take most of his weight. “I’m nowhere near done with you yet, Winchester.”

And Dean’s perfectly fine with that.

* * *

 

_Go to sleep, Dean._

Gabriel snaps a blanket on top of them after an exhausting round three of sex officially finishes. Dean’s draped on top of Gabriel, drooling against his neck, drifting off to sleep to the sensation of Gabriel’s fingers running through his hair and occasionally down to his unshaven cheek. He doesn’t try to talk, knows he’s too exhausted to get words to come out, but the silence is comfortable so he doesn’t worry about it anyway.

The human lays there partially conscious for what seems to be a long while, content exactly where he is, but when he realizes that Gabriel is humming softly to him, his fingers lazily tracing invisible lines on Dean’s back, he forces himself to coherency.

Dean stirs against him, licking leftover drool off his lips and rubbing his eyes. He’s curious as to the tune, never having heard it before. “What are you humming?”

Gabriel seems startled that he’s awake - he must have drifted off as well - and his hands still in surprise before rubbing up and down Dean’s back slowly, soothingly. “It's a common Enochian lullaby,” he answers, studying Dean’s face above him intently but with a smile that makes Dean smile too. “We would sing it to young angels when they were distressed, or when we needed to get them to rest and recharge.” It isn't lost on Dean that the latter is his intention, because even after a lazy week in bed together Dean feels more tired than he has in years. The two of them still need to adjust to not only their bond, but also living together, and it all seems daunting in Dean’s eyes. “Mike used to sing it to me to shut me up, and I think he was pleased it actually worked when nothing else would. Do you want me to sing a verse or two? Give you a better idea?”

“Dude, I don't think I can deal with you singing like... ever.”

That isn't true though, because when Gabriel starts singing it’s nothing less than beautiful, in a mystical way, and it lights Dean up from the inside out. It doesn’t even sound like Gabriel, it sounds like a whole host of angels coming together in harmony, as if to guide souls to heaven, as if to make them feel loved and wanted and _needed._

Gabriel knows his secrets, knows what he needs, and it amazes Dean that Gabriel’s so eager to give it to him.

If anyone saw this then he would never live it down, but no one is watching and Dean doesn’t tell him to shut up before he falls into much-needed sleep.

* * *

 

_I am here._

The nights are dark on Earth, rife with fear, despair, and a permeating sense of hopelessness that seems unshakable. If his father were present and were blessed once more with his words, he might scold him as to what he is about to do. He is not though and it has been gnawing away at him for eons. He can side with his father no longer, not when he is not physically present, so now he must choose a brother, neither of which he suspects has his father’s best interests at heart.

His book is tucked securely against his side, like always, and he finds comfort in the fact that some things do not change.

He will find new words to write down, new tales of those touched by the almighty and his father’s infinite wisdom as he continues to encounter it, albeit less frequently in these times.

Nights on Earth are no longer filled with mere secrets, only hatred and a profound sense of loss. He knows this loss so vividly, knows it but cannot be trapped within it. The apocalypse will start very soon, there is no stopping it, no stopping the havoc and death of billions.

Michael appears before him, catching him off guard, looking him up and down with disappointment and disdain.

“Have you chosen?

Why else would he be here?

He breathes out, the book a warm, comforting weight against his side. _Some things do not change, take faith in this. You, however, are about to change._ “Yes,” he answers before Michael can grow frustrated with him. He remembers Lucifer, remembers the tragedy of his inevitable demise, the predictability of his fate.

“You will bring Dean Winchester to me, alive but broken. If he says yes to you, then he will say yes to me.”

Raziel nods, his wings stretching to their full length. He has no further questions or doubts concerning his duty and ability in this mission. He will break Dean Winchester down, piece by piece, and if it take months then he will do it proudly and honorably. Michael must obtain his vessel, and once Raziel brings that vessel to him the reward will be the greatest favor bestowed upon him short of his father granting him two additional sets of wings, though never as great as the wisdom his father has granted him. He will be viewed as vital again, necessary to the cause.

He knows where Dean Winchester is, knows that the remainder of his book will be filled before everything is through. There is nothing to write in it today, but soon.

Very soon.


	6. Innocence Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Palo Alto’s ‘Fade Out/In.’

_~Useless and full of it_

_Why no one else can believe in this_

_You wanna feel something to call your own~_

* * *

 

_Morning, sweetheart._

Instead of being woken up by someone pulling his boxers down, which is what he’s become accustomed to given the past few mornings, Dean is woken up by the permeating smells of coffee and apple pie. The kiss seared into his cheek is just a bonus.

He crinkles his nose and breathes in deeply, wondering what time of the day it is but knowing he’d never turn down pie for breakfast anyway. Pie at any time of the day is welcome, especially when his stomach is growling fiercely and his mouth is watering. Dean opens his eyes slowly, smiling, and squints at the blurry figure he finds crouching over him, “Wha...?”

“Good morning, Deanie. Thought you’d like some pie to go with your coffee this morning.”

It’s not even light out yet, and if there wasn’t pie waiting for him then he would growl at Gabriel for waking him up so early. Although, he does feel really well-rested, and he realizes he went to bed early last night and probably got around twelve hours of sleep. As his vision clears he watches as the first ray of soft sunlight lights up the spark of happiness in the archangel’s eyes.

Then a small, flickering light appears several inches from his nose. He glances down and notices that there’s a lone candle set in the middle of the pie, pink and white striped. “What’s the candle for?”

Gabriel grins and scoots closer; whenever they’re together, Dean doesn’t have anything even remotely close to personal space. He mourns it a little now.

“We’re celebrating.” Gabriel urges the human to blow out the flame and Dean does, staring at the candle curiously until Gabriel plucks it out of the pie and licks the bottom of it. He’d be lying if he says he’s not turned on by Gabriel’s mouth and all the amazing things his tongue can do.

He shakes his head clear, it’s too early to be thinking about any of that. “Celebrating what?”

Gabriel waggles his eyebrows. “Celebrating the amazing week you gave me.” If anything, Dean thought that the two of them were even, hoped for it because he really does hate attention. Sure, maybe he does have dreams about Gabriel pampering him and feeding him pie in bed, but it doesn’t mean that he’ll put up with that embarrassment very frequently.

“Oh,” Dean licks his lips nervously, “I just thought it was for me finally pulling my head out of my ass.” He has to admit that ever since he accepted Gabriel as his bond-mate, everything has been great and life has seemed to open up right in front of him. He has this relentless energy and happiness that can only be explained by Gabriel’s grace rushing through him, winding itself around his soul more confidently day by day.

Then again, it’s probably explained just as well by Gabriel himself, who wastes all his time and energy on Dean, and who is most likely influenced by in addition to being an influence on his overabundant grace.

Dean can close his eyes and remember what he did a week ago, can remember the overwhelming anxiety caused by the mere thought of pulling more of Gabriel’s grace inside him, thinking it would be too much, too much pressure. But then he remembers relenting, relives the warmth and sheer power he felt as he pulled ounce after ounce of once trapped grace and held it tightly within him, almost as if it was Gabriel - which it was, a _part_ of Gabriel - and he could merely hold him forever, never letting any harm come to him.

He didn’t feel guilt over the responsibility and the potential of failing, he felt nothing but pride as he helped to free Gabriel, as he proved to the archangel that he did want to help, did want to learn and surprisingly did want to accept his grace.

It kept him alive, and as a reward for his sense of protection towards it and pride over doing something right and giving Gabriel what he had wanted for months, it kept him feeling safe and so damn warm. He hadn’t cared what should happen to him but knew nothing would anyway. Dean had been so happy then and he’s happy now as he remembers it.

He wanted to feel his grace inside of him again, more than what he currently had, and while this thought may have disturbed him weeks ago it left him feeling giddy and light-headed now.

“That too,” Gabriel admits, but the look in his eyes explains to Dean that this isn’t so much about that. Gabriel seemed to have loved the chase, despite the frustration and anger.

Dean stretches and yawns loudly, playing with the slight curl in Gabriel’s honey hair, which seems to have grown lighter in the past week. “So... what, no early morning sex?”

“Nope, giving you the day off, sweetie pie.” Not that Dean needs the day off, he could go for another few rounds, but he is kinda sore and he figures a day off won’t mean the end of the world. Gabriel’s letting him off the hook in more than one way, and it seems to help in the guilt area anyway. Dean truly feels like he has made it up to him, but that doesn’t mean he can’t do more.

It also doesn’t mean that he’s forgotten about _sweetie pie._

“You know,” Dean sits up, “we have really got to talk about what nicknames you are and aren’t allowed to give me.” He knows there must be a whole helluva lot more where that one came from, but Dean-o, kiddo and not to mention, _Deanie_ , are already bad enough, and he’s only just starting to get used to those three.

“Oh, really?” Gabriel leans in for another kiss and Dean meets him halfway. His own mouth might taste like ass but Gabriel’s sure doesn’t; plus, he hasn’t had saltwater taffy in _ages._

“Yes, really,” Dean insists, but Gabriel’s playfulness wins him over and he lets Gabriel push him back down into the mattress, kissing him senseless and running warm fingers down his chilled body. He doesn’t know what time or what day it is and doesn’t care; he would love to spend another day in bed with Gabriel, even if he is itching for another hunt.

Dean pulls away for air eventually. “How did you know the whole grace sharing thing would work? You’ve been skirting the issue all week, Gabriel.”

Gabriel thinks about it for a minute, even though Dean knows that he already has an answer. “Grace _transference_ ,” Gabriel corrects. The archangel shrugs, “You already have some of my grace inside you, so I figured, being bond-mates, that you might be able to take more and then maybe even transfer it to me.”

“Might,” Dean repeats, “maybe? So you were just working on hunches?”

“Life is about taking risks. Why worry about it now when it worked out fine?”

Dean wants to argue but he bites his tongue; he’s seen an angry, displeased Gabriel and he doesn’t care to repeat it again. Besides, he is right, it did work and he’s still here, still alive, not to mention happier and much more knowledgeable about their bond. He’s a lot safer and stronger with Gabriel around, so there’d be no use in driving him away.

The archangel looks down at him expectantly with those glittering eyes, as if egging him on to argue; Dean doesn’t take the challenge. “It felt good, actually.” He rubs the back of his neck, feeling awkward and exposed. “Having more of it inside me, I mean. I felt....”

“Invincible?”

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

There’s a melancholy air about Gabriel now, and Dean has no idea what it means and doesn’t think he wants to know either. Then again, he keeps on telling himself that he wants to know everything about him.

“Having more of my grace inside you....,” he pauses, as if trying to figure out how to put the words together. “I don’t know, Dean, it just enabled me somehow to _feel_ more of you. I miss that. I mean, the sex was awesome and all, kiddo, but we could do so much _more._ I could make it so good for you, push my grace in deeper.” Dean feels somewhat awkward actually listening to this, but he let’s Gabriel continue. “Anytime you want to try it again, in less dire circumstances....”

Gabriel is cut off by the sound of the door outside their room closing and Dean hopping out of bed to get dressed. He shoots the archangel an apologetic look, leans over to kiss him - his way of telling him that they’ll continue their discussion later - and rushes out of the bedroom, feeling slightly guilty but wanting to see Sam more.

“Hey, Sammy.”

Sam glances up and his face lights up when he notices his brother. Dean takes a couple steps forward and Sam meets him halfway, wrapping his massive, incredibly strong arms around him, nearly causing Dean to topple backward if Sam didn’t have such a tight, vice-like grip on him. Dean wraps his arms around him after he gets over the initial shock. He didn’t imagine Sam would be so happy to see him, even if he had been gone for a week. He had been worried about his little brother, but that worry waned just as quickly with every call, text and voice mail message Sam left for him.

Dean breathes his brother in, breathes in the sweet-smelling, girly shampoo and the clean-smelling laundry detergent, all of it refreshing and reminding him of where his home always has been and always will be. He holds Sam tight, not wanting to let him go, trying to apologize for just up and leaving.

“What the hell, Dean?” The moment, unfortunately, ends. Sam steps back, crossing his arms and examining Dean from head to toe, his forehead creasing when he sees the apparent change in his brother. Dean figures he must look better, happier and less exhausted and just overall healthy. He feels great too. “I left you I don’t know how many messages? I was worried about you.”

“It’s all good, Sammy. Just been with Gabriel for the past week.”

As if on cue, the archangel steps out of the room and slowly walks over to them. “Hey-a, Sam.”

Something unsaid crosses between them but Dean doesn’t even try to read it. He’s aware that his brother and Gabriel have a bit more history than Dean does with the archangel, but he’s not going to hold it against either one of them. Sam must still be trying to get over his hatred of Gabriel ever since the whole Mystery Spot, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to strangle Gabriel. They did manage to work some cases together, and Dean thinks Gabriel’s been doing a pretty damn good job, especially with the last case, and has proved himself in the process.

Sam turns back to Dean, “That’s what I thought but, man, don’t ever leave me hanging like that again. I was really starting to panic.”

“Don’t worry,” Gabriel buts in, “we’ll make sure to write next time.” Sam chooses to ignore him and Dean is eternally grateful, but he still shoves Gabriel, thinking a punch would probably end up breaking his hand.

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” Sam says. “Dropped the girls off after you left, they seemed tired but fine. Lana said to say thanks, for everything, but I have a feeling we’ll run into her again.”

“Why do you say that?”

“‘Cause she expressed an interest in hunting.” Sam seems as unhappy about it as Dean does, who swallows down his ‘hell, no!,’ a justified response considering those girls have been through enough for a life-time. He feels slightly guilty that he does actually want to see Lana again, wanting to erase the memories of that ghost possessing her, but Gabriel probably wants to too, if only to find out what she knows or remembers about archangels.

“Well, I guess some things you just can’t prevent,” Dean settles with. “And... uh, since we’re on the subject, did you find any potential hunts?”

Sam snorts, “You just got back and all you can think about is hunting?” Dean shrugs and Sam just shakes his head. “Yeah, sure, Cas gave me a lead on something on the other coast, Bar Harbor, Maine to be exact.”

Well, there’s that great burger joint in Bar Harbor that also makes to die for root beer. Then it hits him. “Wait a minute... Cas?”

“Yeah, he’s kinda... helping us on finding hunts now.”

“Since when?”

“Since you just up and left? He came here and wanted to talk to you about something, but then he... he kinda freaked out when he saw my head.” Dean’s eyes widen at that and Sam quickly explains, “The blood, from when I got knocked out. It wasn’t much, but it seemed to startle him anyway.” Dean nods, but is still dead-set on looking Sam over thoroughly when they’re alone again. Gabriel can’t hang around forever, there must be some business he needs to attend to. It’s not like Dean doesn’t want him around, he just doesn’t want Gabriel hovering nearby when Sam starts demanding answers.

He can do without Gabriel butting in and providing a detailed summary of just what went on.

“Since then, he’s kinda been hanging around, or at least whenever he manges to come by. He pointed me towards several suspicious drownings in Bar Harbor. I was gonna go check it out, but I was waiting for you to get back.”

Dean can taste the burgers and fries already. “Well, we can start researching water demons then. Haven’t been to Maine since ‘92.” He decides to let it slide - for now -figuring it’s probably good to have Cas on their side. An archangel is more than he could have ever hoped for, as an ally but even more so as his boyfriend and bond-mate. Having an angel will only do them more good. He trusts Cas, trusts Cas with his own life and with his brother’s, so if he wants to hang around more and help, he’ll take it.

“I have. I just got back from the library and wrote down a list. We won’t know more till we get there, but at least we have something to go on.”

“Alright, we’ll pack up and leave in the morning.”

“I’ll stop back later, kids.” Dean turns in time to see Gabriel smile and wink at the two of them before he disappears. Dean feels a little sore at the loss, but he’s also relieved that he has some time alone with his brother.

Sam turns back towards Dean, “What was that all about?”

“We kinda... uh... reconciled. I accepted him before the case, accepted our _bond_ , we were just making up for lost time and all.”

Sam nods, looking oddly concerned and even a little curious. Dean doesn’t blame him but he doesn’t want Sam mother-henning him or drilling him. If Sam had been in his position Dean would have lost his mind trying to find him and then holding back from strangling whatever took him; however, he hopes Sam can see that Gabriel isn’t trying to manipulate him. There’s a lot of advantages Dean can gain by being with Gabriel; specifically, he’s already craving more of his grace to feel that invincibility again.

Sam looks at Dean carefully, who allows him another moment of doing so before going to check on Sam’s physical state. “As long as you’re okay, dude.”

“I’m great, really.”

“Good.”

Sam barely finishes before Dean is on him, checking out his head wound. He was lucky enough not to have a concussion, even though Cas had grilled him for answers and then kept him up for most of the remaining night anyway. It had been weird, having the angel just decide to pop in the second Sam got back to the hotel. Sam had been preoccupied worrying about Dean, but Cas had genuinely looked shocked when he saw the state Sam was in. The angel refused to leave until he was assured the danger was over.

More and more Castiel is starting to grow on Sam and Dean, and seemingly both the Winchester boys are starting to rub off on the angel, but Sam had never expected, let alone anticipated the show of concern from Cas. Maybe from and towards Dean, but Cas has never shown as much interest in Sam as he’s shown in Dean.

And now he’s helping them on hunts? His own confusion mirrors Dean’s, but he’s also just relieved to have the angel around more.

Gabriel, on the other hand, is worrying. Sam still doesn’t completely trust him and doesn’t fully believe that he isn’t just up to no good when it comes to his brother. He wants to trust Gabriel because he wants Dean to be happy, but he also isn’t stupid enough to realize that that happiness could only be a temporary thing, and a distraction towards what Gabriel could really be striving towards.

He’ll keep an eye on him, but he won’t antagonize him or worry Dean. They can do with an archangel on their side.

Sam plans on enjoying the attention his brother is giving him while it lasts. He thought that after Dean accepted Gabriel there would be no room left for him, so it’s nice to see that that isn’t the case.

As if Dean knows what he’s thinking about, he reassures him further. His words are soft and his fingers careful as he probes the sensitive lump on the side of his head. Sam vaguely remembers Dean getting knocked out too, but if he starts mother-henning him then Dean might pull away. He doesn’t want that, as selfish as it might make him.

“Just want you to know that you’ll never be second, Sam. I should’ve called you and that’s my fault, but we’re gonna be brothers again. Gabriel doesn’t come before you, I would _never_ put him before you.” Sam nods, wants to tell Dean that he knows that but he knows he doesn’t have to. If there’s one thing he never has to do around Dean it’s talk. The two of them just get each other, even when they were kids, it’s a part of what makes their bond unbreakable. He would never put anyone before his brother either, they’re all they have left.

He thinks about the turn their lives have taken. It had been hell the first few months, Sam not really knowing what the hell he was doing, if he was doing right by Dean. Sam had felt some shift in their lives that day he barged into Dean’s room though, the air felt lighter and joyful somehow and a little less careful. It was a sign of both relief and worry, but Dean seemed able to get back to his old, chirpy self when working on the case, even if some of that tenseness remained. It was something that Sam hadn’t even been able to do, _should have_ been able to do.

If someone had told him that his brother and that damn infuriating archangel would end up together, he never would have believed it.

“So, you and Gabriel, huh?” He grins and chuckles at Dean’s barely noticeable nod, takes note of how he prods his healing head wound further, as if by concentrating enough on that he can drive Sam’s attention away from his love life. His reluctance doesn’t deter Sam however. “Never saw that one coming, I thought you would end up driving him away.” Although, that’s not _entirely_ true.

“Yeah, well,” Dean sighs loudly, and Sam can’t help but smirk at the fact that Dean doesn’t want to be in this conversation with him. “He’s a good guy, you know? I feel like he really cares about us, about _me._ ”

 _Jesus Christ, he’s admitted it._ Sam’s always known that Dean needs someone who can care about him just that little bit more than Sam can, he just never expected him to let his guard down enough to admit it.

“I’m happy for you, Dean. I really am. I hope he gives you everything you ever wanted.”

Dean bites down on his lip and steps away from Sam slightly.

“No no no,” he lays a hand on Dean’s arm, willing him to stay. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’ll always be here, but I want you to have someone else too. You deserve that, Dean.”

His brother relaxes under his hand, and Sam gives his arm a gentle squeeze before letting him go. The chick flick moment has ended. Dean takes one last inspection before he grabs a beer and a box of takeout food out of the fridge and retreats to the small couch, flipping on the TV. After a few minutes, Dean looks behind him and sees Sam still standing there, in the exact same position Dean had left him in. Dean quickly looks away in order for it to seem like he wasn’t watching him.

“You gonna sit down and eat or what, bitch?”

Sam smiles at him and grabs his own beer and food before sitting next to Dean on the couch. They may not have to talk anymore, but Sam still sits as close to Dean as he dares, relaxing now that his brother is finally back with him. Sure, he may be selfish, but he’s allowed to be when it’s concerning more Dean time.

“Jerk.”

* * *

 

_You and Sam done with the whole bonding thing yet?_

Dean lifts his head up off the couch cushion, wiping away the leftover drool with the back of his hand. He gets up and finds Sam sprawled out on the bed in his room, and he pulls the door to but doesn’t close it entirely. From there he pays attention to his rumbling stomach and heads to the kitchen, where he grabs the rest of the takeout.

He closes the refrigerator door and turns around, but ends up walking into a wall of warmth and pulsating grace. Gabriel smells like butterscotch taffy and Dean wants to bathe in it, eat his skin until he can’t stomach anymore.

“Where the hell did you disappear to?”

Gabriel plucks the box out of his hands and makes it disappear, drawing a pout and further rumbling from Dean and his over-eager stomach. “Chinese food is _not_ breakfast food, Dean.”

Dean pouts some more, just because he knows Gabriel kinda loves it. He hasn’t spent a whole helluva lot time with Gabriel, cause those first few months really don’t count, but Gabriel tends not to hide the things he loves. “It could be.”

“Nope. Give me five minutes and I’ll whip you up something really tantalizing.”

“Alright,” Dean sighs, “but you better make it quick.” He groans when Gabriel brushes past him and reaches for a pan in the cupboard, realizing Gabriel is going to torture him by making him wait until Gabriel cooks his food. He appreciates the gesture, he really does, but he’s _hungry._

“I can think of something we can do quick while we wait for the eggs to cook.” Gabriel’s amber eyes sparkle vibrantly and Dean gulps in anticipation, his body already responding.

Sam chooses to stumble like a zombie into the room then, and Dean’s hopeful look quickly shifts into one of horror. He hopes Sam’s too out of it to have heard or at least remember those last words at a later date.

“Hey, Sammy! I’m making breakfast, so why don’t you take a seat?”

“Don’t call me that,” Sam grumbles tiredly, but ends up plopping himself down in one of the chairs at the table anyway. Dean wants to tell Gabriel that expanding the kitchen is cheating, but it is sorta nice to be able to eat at a table in a dining room for once. Sam glances up at the chandelier hanging above him, shakes his head and then lets his eyes wander to where Gabriel is bustling around the kitchen.

Dean’s mouth waters as the archangel sets up the waffle maker, the smell of Belgian waffles floating throughout the kitchen several minutes later.

“Didn’t know you liked to cook?”

“You’ve gotta pick up something to while away the time every once in a while. Cooking was just something that I latched onto pretty quickly. I don’t really enjoy making food for me to eat, but you’re another story, Dean-o. I could watch you eat all day long.” Dean licks his lips at that notion, thinking nothing would be better than Gabriel cooking for him and then feeding him on his days off.

If Gabriel does want him though, he’ll have to tolerate Dean’s obsession with the hunt. If they even have time to hunt, what with Gabriel’s brothers trying every tactic in the book to get them to say yes. Gabriel will be an underestimated asset in how it all turns out.

He doesn’t want to think about the whole apocalypse thing now though; now he wants to eat, stuff his stomach until he can’t stand up anymore.

Gabriel pushes him into a chair when he won’t sit down on his own, and he comes back in a few seconds in order to plop a plate overloaded with food down in front of Dean, a plate filled with scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast and two generous sized Belgian waffles, smothered in maple syrup. Sam gets a similar plate, but with one waffle so he can watch his figure and Gabriel also slides a bowl of fresh fruit over to him, which gets happily dug into first.

The archangel, smiling and proudly surveying the two digging into his food, pulls up a chair beside Dean and steals a piece of his bacon. Dean scowls at him, “Get your own.”

“Excuse me? I cook food for you and then you tell me you can’t share the bacon?”

Dean pulls his plate farther away from Gabriel and Gabriel laughs, picking up Dean’s hand and licking his fingers clean of the maple syrup sticking to them. He laps up the sticky corners of Dean’s mouth next, kissing him greedily and Dean doesn’t know what he wants more: food or Gabriel.

“Guys, trying to eat here?”

Dean’s happy and Gabriel seems really happy too - Dean can tell by the sensation of his grace wrapping around him, body and soul, singing joyously at their reunion - and that’s really the only thing that matters.

* * *

 

_We’ll meet soon enough._

Gabriel’s limbs are wrapped around Dean like an octopus’ when Sam wakes them up early the next morning, wanting to get a head start on the long drive. They were supposed to leave yesterday, but it seems like they all wanted a day to just hang around before they moved on. Apparently the little vacation is over though, and it’s back to work.

Still, Dean groans loudly and shoos his brother away, who fortunately leaves him be so Dean can attempt to extricate himself from Gabriel’s tight hold; however, Gabriel’s hold only tightens and has Dean sinking back down into the bed - or, rather, into his arms - in defeat.

“Ten more minutes,” Gabriel mumbles, trapping Dean’s socked feet in between his legs, nipping at Dean’s ear. Gabriel is warm and soft and his grace nudges gently at Dean’s soul, encouraging him to let his barriers down and allow more to slip inside of him. Dean opens himself up without reluctance, moaning in surprise as he feels himself growing stronger by the second. He’s still tired, but the flow of grace is slow and doesn’t wear him out nearly as much as the heady rush of grace during sex had.

“You don’t even need sleep.” Dean points out, although he secretly loves it when Gabriel does sleep. One night of their week together he had woken up and just watched Gabriel for an hour or two. If Gabriel had truly been asleep, Dean hadn’t known, but he sure looked like it. Gabriel had looked mesmerizing just like that, even without his wings on full display. Dean can stand being woken up to witness that sight again.

“True, but...,” he nuzzles closer to Dean, kissing him sloppily, “if I can get ten more minutes in bed with you, feigning exhaustion, then I’ll take it.”

Dean smiles because he can’t deny his love for Gabriel being all honest, especially when it comes to him. If Gabriel’s feeling something then he’ll express it, and if he wants something you can be damn sure that he’ll express that too. Dean always imagined that Gabriel would be secretive concerning his true feelings for him, like Dean is. Gabriel doesn’t even blame him or hate him for that, he merely pushes him to open up more.

“Your grace is cheating by the way. Don’t think I’m meant to feel this good, or recover this quickly.” He remembers now the quick recovery after the case. He wasn’t sore or dizzy from blood loss anymore as soon as Gabriel swept him into that hotel room. He had been clear-headed that night, knew what he was doing and specifically that he had _wanted_ to do it.

He had wanted to make Gabriel _happy_. He didn’t expect that his own happiness would be a real thing too.

Gabriel’s smirk is even cuter when his eyes are closed. “There’s perks to being mated to an archangel, sweetie. Like the copious amounts of sex without getting too sore or passing out on me from exhaustion.” Dean’s quiet as he thinks about how much he loves that and could easily take it for granted - already has - and Gabriel’s smirk widens. “Finally noticed that didn’t you? Don’t you worry, kiddo, there’s plenty of perks for me too.”

“Like what?”

Gabriel yawns like he’s gone over it all in his head thousands of times and is sick of thinking about it. “Like knowing where you are at every moment of every day, knowing what you’re doing. Like being able to talk to you without even opening my mouth. Like being inside your head and seeing inside your soul, able to see what makes you tick, what makes you _beautiful_.”

Dean fights to pry himself loose again, but Gabriel’s hold is _fierce._ “M’ not beautiful,” Dean huffs, pathetically.

“That’s where you’re wrong. Everything about you is beautiful. Every day my grace shows me something new about you, brings me closer to you, and I will _never_ take that for granted. Not in a million years, kiddo.” Dean feels tears prick at the corners of his eyes and he blinks them back, not wanting to be the object of Gabriel’s teasing. “Aww, don’t cry. If you wanted to know how much I love you, all you had to do was ask.”

“Shut up, wings. I don’t need anymore chick flick moments, especially with you.”

“I know you love me too,” he kisses Dean’s cheek several times in quick succession and Dean squirms. “Just those three little words. But I won’t force you to say them. This is harder for you than it is for me.”

“Is not.” _It shouldn’t be._

“Is too. Come on, kiddo,” he smacks Dean’s ass lightly, “time to get up and hit the road.”

Ten minutes later and the three of them are in the Impala, Dean stroking her seats softly and murmuring, “I missed you, baby.” Gabriel had offered to transport the two of them there himself, but Dean really wanted to spend some time with his baby out on the open road again, cranking some Zeppelin up and listening to Sam’s protests. Gabriel had relented, calling shotgun immediately, but after an hour or two he starts to get antsy and simply agrees to meet them there.

Dean can feel him in his head even though Gabriel doesn’t communicate with him. It isn’t creepy or intrusive; it’s starting to get so familiar that Dean depends on him being there. He can feel a pulsing warmth in his gut too, and he wonders if Gabriel’s grace could keep him running all day long, immune to human limits.

The day comes and goes - most of it on the road - and so does the night, Dean refusing to stop and simply stating that he wants to get to Bar Harbor as soon as possible. Really, it is true, but it’s also because Dean isn’t even the slightest bit tired. Whether or not it has to do with an archangel’s grace pulsing through his veins, he doesn’t know, but he’ll take it.

Gabriel, however, has other plans up his sleeve.

At around three in the morning he appears as shotgun again and argues until Dean pulls over. Dean does, reluctantly, but only because he’s afraid Gabriel will try to crash his baby if he doesn’t. The hunter can’t even open his mouth before Gabriel moves them to a room meant for Sam, then drags Dean to an adjacent room and closes the door behind them. Gabriel had met up with them for lunch and dinner, so Dean doesn’t know why Gabriel’s so itchy to get his hands on him, but he stops trying to complain when Gabriel pushes him down onto the bed and lays those sweet-tasting lips on his own, kissing him so fierce he’s breathless within moments.

At three-thirty the room around them falls silent, a comfortable silence but still, Dean isn’t quite sure what to do with it. Gabriel hovers over him, his hands cupping the back of Dean’s neck, so close his breath is ghosting across Dean’s nose. The archangel - _his archangel_ \- smiles down at him affectionately, pushing himself further down but Dean doesn’t feel the weight at all, merely stares up at Gabriel, never wanting the moment to end.

He feels strangely beautiful when Gabriel looks at him, like he’s worth something.

He feels like he’s being taken care of too, in all the right ways.

Their contented staring goes on for a long, beautiful while until Gabriel shifts and scoots back against the pillows, chest to Dean’s back. They lay in bed like that, Gabriel insisting on being the big spoon despite his size and Dean obliging him. They’re wrapped up in each other, sleepless but in a good way, Gabriel kissing every inch of Dean’s skin and Dean too sated to care.

There are no words shared between them, but it only makes the night more special.

They’re back on the road by six, almost to their destination. Gabriel rides with them the rest of the way, agreeing to take the backseat, though he practically shoves Sam out of the car when they drop him off.

Sam glares at him but let’s it slide. “Okay, well, I was gonna go talk to the victim’s sister. I guess you and Gabriel can check out the scene, see if there’s anything they may have missed.”

“Not before I get me some burgers, Sammy.” Sam rolls his eyes at the predictability of Dean’s stomach looming above everything else, but he can’t help but notice the affectionate look on Gabriel’s face as Dean takes his arm and pulls him towards the downtown area. The two seem to be glued together, in a sense, and Gabriel really does seem to love Dean. It makes him less jealous and more relieved, in a way.

Gabriel looks over at Sam as Dean is pulling him away, shrugging, “Guess I’ll be making sure Dean here doesn’t get into any trouble then.” He ends the look with a wink though, and Sam almost thinks about going after them just to see what they’ll get up to, but he thinks better of it and decides to leave them alone. He has work to do anyway, and Gabriel and Dean should get some more time together. He owes his brother that, at least.

After talking to family members and friends of the victim, Sam has a much better idea of what they’re after. He takes out the list again and starts narrowing it down, although he’s pretty sure exactly what they’re dealing with. Wondering what Dean and Gabriel are up to, he digs half-heartedly into his salad, flips open his phone and dials.

* * *

 

_Finally alone._

Dean nags Gabriel and him a booth in the diner, admiring that the place hasn’t changed much in the last decade - there’s the same worn down blue and white stripped seats and the cold metal counter up near the registers, and the blue and white striped shirts seem just as old and faded as they’ve always been - and breathing a sigh of relief at the fact that some really good things just don’t change, even if his life has.

He winks at the waitress but doesn’t go any further than that, fully aware that Gabriel is watching him like a hawk and most likely knows what he’s going to say before it leaves his mouth. Considering Gabriel ordered for him last time, he orders for the both of them now: two double bacon cheeseburgers and two root beer floats, with a side of large fries, and Dean’s determined to save enough room for a slice of cherry pie later too, with a slice of peach to go.

Gabriel eats, but he seems more distracted by Dean than giving into his own craving for good food, which Dean knows doesn’t just extend to sweets. He wasn’t lying when he said he liked to watch Dean eat, but Dean feels a little weird when he takes a bite of burger and then glances up to notice Gabriel watching him.

“Good, huh?” Dean beams, motioning towards Gabriel’s already empty float.

“It is. Very good,” Gabriel adds, as if he wants to please Dean.

After the waitress sets them up with two slices of the peach pie to go, they head out to the beach. One area of the sand is taped off and Dean can see the telltale imprint of where the washed up body of the victim had lain, as well as what looks to be hoof prints, encased in the sand until the ocean washes them away. The beach is completely empty as far as the eye can see and Dean’s just happy he can still be alone with Gabriel.

He takes his shoes off and digs his toes into the sand, enjoying the sensation and sighing in pleasure. The beaches in Maine have always been peaceful and desolate, a place to just relax and think for a good long while.

And then his phone rings. He digs it out of his jacket pocket and is greeted by none other than Sam on the other end.

“I think it’s a kelpie, Dean. Talked to the victim’s sister and she said that they went out to the beach a night or two ago and thought they saw what looked like a huge, sleek black horse in the water before it went under and disappeared. I thought they were just in Scotland, but apparently not. The vic was on a swim team, so it seems unlikely that he would have drowned. It’s the same with all the other victims, either on swim teams or just good swimmers. Seems Cas was right about this one.”

“We’re still at the scene and guess what? There’s hoof prints in the sand. So I’d say a kelpie sounds about right. Now that you mention it, I think Dad mentioned coming across one once or twice. I’ll call you if we see it, meanwhile you can figure out how to kill it.”

“Yeah, on it.”

Dean flips his phone shut and eyes Gabriel, who’s sitting on the hood of the Impala and eating a slice of pie. Dean stares out at the water then, lulled by its calmness, the way it pushes gently up onto the sand. It reminds him of Gabriel’s grace somewhat, pushing further and further into him everyday, lapping up his self-doubts and left-over guilt. It’s only an hour until nightfall, an hour until the kelpie can claim another victim.

He walks back towards Gabriel, settling himself down on the hood beside him and digging into his pie. After a little while of merely sharing companionable silence, something they’ve been doing a lot lately, Dean decides to quit waiting around for Sam and just get the job done already. He hops off the hood, “Gonna go for a swim, see if I can find anything.”

The archangel puts his fork down, even with pie still on it. “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Dean?”

“Sure I’m sure.” He won’t back out on it now, not when there’s a chance that he can find this thing and kill it and move on with his life. He remembers something in his Dad’s journal about silver deterring and possibly killing a kelpie, but it’s merely speculation considering John never caught the thing before it escaped somewhere else. It’s worth a shot.

“Be careful...,” Gabriel’s words are drowned out as the wind picks up. There’s a silver knife in Dean’s pocket and he fingers it before diving into the water. It’s warm, exactly how Dean remembers it, and he closes his eyes for a brief second and just relaxes, enjoying the eerie silence of the deep, wallowing in it for as long as he can before resurfacing for air.

A woman with incredibly long black hair swims up to him, coming up on him so fast that he doesn’t know where she came from. “Hey,” he smiles at her. “Think you should be out here at night?”

She smiles back, splashing him playfully. Dean splashes back and she laughs, a deep, throaty laugh that has Dean tingling from head to toe. “I always swim at night, it helps me clear my head. What about you?”

“Same.”

She swims closer until they’re nearly nose to nose and Dean wants to push her away, can feel Gabriel’s grace nagging at him to pull away, but when he looks into those incredibly blue eyes - the exact same shade as the sea - and takes in the glistening black of her hair, he can feel all his doubts and questions and willpower being snipped away.

“How long can you hold your breath?” She grins at him, as if they’re about to play some game.

“Dunno, maybe a couple minutes.”

She dunks him under the water before he has a chance to breathe, but lets him resurface. He can hear her laugh underwater, can feel the salt of the water sting his eyes and cling to his eyelashes. When she dunks him under again he can see it coming but is powerless to stop it. The girl’s strong, much too strong to be human. She pulls him farther and farther out, laughing and singing to him, nuzzling his neck and Dean can only focus on her voice, on those eyes, on all that hair that floats around her like a dark halo.

He wants her, wants her wrapped around him, breathing in the salty sweetness of her skin.

He wants her so badly that he keeps Gabriel out of his head, not wanting him to feel the pain and the longing, not wanting him to feel responsible. Gabriel will be pissed but he’ll just have to deal with it later, if he even gets a later. There’s something in the back of his mind telling him to fight, to pry himself loose of her, but even if he held onto that thought long enough he can’t imagine why he should stop following her. It seems so natural, so....

Dean’s running out of air but he doesn’t notice... much, and the deep blue darkness of the sea is calling to him, coming to claim him. He’s about five seconds away from blacking out, from losing sight of her entirely, but as he’s thinking this there’s a light, first following behind him slowly but then chasing away the darkness, seeming to ignite him from within.

He screams or she screams - someone’s screaming - and Dean can feel the wall crumbling down in his mind, can feel Gabriel’s panic. It only takes another second but then he notices that the light and the grace striving to enter him, to revive him, isn’t coming from his mate.

And then the light takes him.


	7. Spinning Up From Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Kristen Barry’s ‘Ordinary Life.’

_~You’re moving your mouth_

_But you don’t make a sound_

_But I feel the walls slowly tearing down~_

* * *

 

_You are going to be the death of me._

Gabriel is more startled than angry when he feels Dean lock him out. He hadn’t even known it was possible, thought that being an archangel would mean that he would have more control over their bond than his human did. It doesn’t seem like that’s the case; in fact, Dean seems to be much stronger than even Gabriel himself realized.

Worst of all, Gabriel can feel something latching onto Dean.

He doesn’t like it.

He tries again and again to push more of his grace into his bond-mate. There’s enough of himself in Dean to let him know that he’s in danger, but there’s nowhere near enough to give him the specifics. Dean could have run into what he was hunting, could be drowning or could just be in distress. It infuriates Gabriel that he doesn’t know, that he can’t do anything but transport himself down to the water and start swimming.

Archangels have never liked water and this time is no different. He can feel Dean slipping away, and the salt from the ocean masking his scent and the giant mass of water separating him from his mate aren’t helping, only making the distance seem greater.

He calls out to Dean, pleading with him to open up his mind again, to let Gabriel inside. But there’s no amount of persuasion he can provide that will make a bit of difference; Dean has to make that decision on his own.

Gabriel can feel the light before he can see it, can feel the foreign grace sweep through Gabriel’s form as a reminder that it is trying to claim Dean. He swims harder and faster, but he’s not getting anywhere. If Dean is hurt in any way, Gabriel will rip apart the thing who dared to lay a hand on him, he will tear it apart in a blind rage until it’s not even recognizable anymore, even if that _thing_ is an angel.

Then one word comes to him from the black that is his current state of mind. It’s only one word, but Dean chokes it out in a near sob and it registers in Gabriel like lightning.

_Gabe._

He turns around, back to the shore, back to _Dean_ , who is laying half in the water and half in the sand, trying to catch his breath. Gabriel swims harder than he had thought possible, panicking when he can’t see Dean moving, seeing red when he catches sight of someone holding out a hand and helping his mate pull himself further forward.

It takes too long, what with Dean already standing up when Gabriel stumbles back up onto solid ground. The strange angel is too close to him, hovering as if he thinks he _belongs_ that close to his mate. Gabriel sees red again.

“Gabriel!”

Dean puts himself between the angel and Gabriel, shielding him from Gabriel’s wrath. The archangel can just as easily shove Dean aside, in rage over Dean’s actions, but when he looks into Dean’s frightened and relieved eyes he can’t bring himself to do it. Gabriel brings his arms back down to his sides, fists clenched, and he forces the roiling mass that is his grace down. He can see Dean closing his eyes, a pained look floating across his features as he tries to calm down the grace inside of him.

Gabriel can only look at Dean, at his shaking form, can only watch as he still tries to get his breathing under control. Dean looks beautiful exactly as he is, even though he’s discreetly trying to prevent Gabriel from flooding him with more of his grace. Eventually, when Gabriel’s sure enough that he’s calmed down considerably, he looks over at the angel.

Immediately, the new angel steps away from where he was once hovering near Dean; Gabriel takes his rightful place then, wrapping an arm around his trembling mate. Dean is trying to talk to him through the bond, but he’s too disoriented. The archangel doesn’t need to hear his words anyway, his eyes tell him that the angel he had thought was a threat just saved Dean’s life. Gabriel’s grateful for it but he still can’t bring himself to trust.

Gabriel’s furious, _furious_ at Dean for daring to do what he had done, but he’s still not cruel enough for him to disregard Dean’s fragile state.

 _Easy._ He sends the sole word of comfort through their bond, hoping and praying that the human will just let him in. It’s even more imperative that he do so with the angel here.

Dean gulps in more air, responding to Gabriel smacking him sharply on the back. _Raziel. He said his name is Raziel. He saved my life, Gabe. Don’t kill him._

Gabriel’s grace goes haywire at Dean’s pleading words, every ounce of it screaming at him to help soothe his mate. But then he remembers what he _felt._

_He intruded on our bond, Dean._

Dean’s eyes go wide. _I know, I felt it too. But I don’t think he meant to. He apologized._

Gabriel’s not a fool, he can see what Dean is trying to do, can see that the human is letting Gabriel hold onto him tightly in the hopes to soften him. He doesn’t understand why his mate cares so much about an angel neither of them know, but he suspects he and Castiel haven't done anything much to heighten distrust.

And then it finally speaks. “Your bond, it startled me. I did not mean to intrude.”

Dean gives Gabriel a look but Gabriel ignores it. His hands clench tighter until all he can feel is their throbbing, he can’t even think about this angel touching, let alone healing his mate. Still, he needs to show some appreciation, especially if it’ll help calm Dean down. “Thank you, for saving him.”

Raziel bows his head and then disappears; Gabriel could track him if he wanted to, but he doesn’t bother. His mate needs him now.

Dean tries to slip out of his hold now that Raziel is gone but Gabriel doesn’t let him, keeping a deathlike grip on him. There is no way he is letting go of Dean, or at least letting him out of his sight again, damn whatever personal space he feels he needs. “So I expect the hunt is done now?”

“Gabe....”

He doesn’t wait for Dean to finish his name before he whisks them back to their hotel room, depositing a confused Dean on his bed and stripping him of his soaking wet clothes. Dean doesn’t try to fight him, he must inevitably know he wouldn’t win anyway. Gabriel’s surprised that his mate doesn’t try to talk to him again through their bond, and this should send him warning signs, but he chucks it up to Dean just being tired. “You can take a shower, but then you’re going straight to bed. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Dean nods, stumbling out of bed and into the shower. Gabriel knows that Dean knows that he’s fucked up big time.

* * *

 

_I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore._

Gabriel’s pissed at him, pissed that he had blocked off their bond during his time in the ocean, pissed that Dean didn’t want to talk to him about it.

Dean, meanwhile, while he was still trying to breathe, still trying to see straight, couldn’t stop staring at Raziel. He probably should have been pissed that Raziel tried to manipulate their bond too, like he knew Gabriel was, but he was anything but and he strangely didn’t feel ashamed about it.

There was something _different_ about Raziel.

He had lent Dean enough of his grace to bring him back to life, and even when he suspected he was dead, just for half a second, he could feel it, could feel how it differed from Gabriel’s, could feel its pride and its panic and its eagerness to know more about their bond, to know more about Dean.He could tell Raziel had been shaken when they had made it back to shore, like he had seen something in Dean that he hadn’t been prepared to see. The angel kept eye contact with him too, had looked Dean up and down almost with anticipation.

It should have freaked him out, everything about Raziel should have creeped him out but didn’t. He felt heady and yet normal at the same time, and maybe it was from his near-death experience, but he knew it wasn’t.

The boiling hot water cascading down his back doesn’t wash away the curious look the angel had given him. He had seemed stronger than Cas, yet more susceptible than him in a way too. It doesn’t make any sense, none of it makes any sense, but as Dean stands in the shower shrubbing his skin furiously and just _breathing_ , all he can think about is Raziel.

* * *

 

_I met a human today, for the first time. Father, he is different._

He longs to write his every thought in his book, but preserving it for the future and for humans means he will need to choose his words carefully. This book isn’t for him, it is a record of his father’s infinite wisdom. How about: ‘Humans have truly been created in our father’s image. Each one is different, more surprising and beautiful than the last.’

It doesn’t feel right, whenever he thinks about Dean there is something _there_. Something palpable and inescapable, something that is just far enough out of reach until he catches up to it. He genuinely wants to know more about the bond he shares with the archangel Gabriel, but he also desires to learn more about the human he saved.

His father gave him one mission and one mission alone: to travel the world, study humans and record all that he finds. Michael now wants him to do his own bidding, to convince Dean Winchester to say yes and step into his rightful role as Michael’s vessel. In order to do this, he must find out everything there is to know about their bond and then break it.

He closes the book and tucks it back against his side. It will not help in future events.

* * *

 

_Rise and shine._

True to Gabriel’s word, the archangel’s there the next morning, shaking him awake and calling out his name in a serious tone. It reminds him of Sam, who usually needs to lighten up and just live a little. He sits up when he realizes he hasn’t seen his brother since the day before.

“Sam is next door, but we need to talk Dean.”

Gabriel wouldn’t lie to him, it wouldn’t be in his best interest, but maybe Dean’s just thinking about Gabriel’s potential to lie to him because he doesn’t want to face this upcoming discussion. He sighs, pulling on his jeans slowly, hoping Gabriel will at least grant him a minute to get his head together.

No such luck.

The door slams shut as Dean struggles to get his arms through the appropriate sleeves of his shirt and he jumps. Gabriel doesn’t seem to notice, or just doesn’t care. His arms are crossed and he plants himself down in a chair, staring at Dean like a hawk. Unlike with Sam, there’s no escape from Gabriel. It’s his own fault, all of this, Dean knew full well at the time that he never should have locked Gabriel out. All it did was make him look suspicious, and if Dean’s actions made him look suspicious than Gabriel knew there was something more beneath those actions, some sense of duty or some feeling of doubt.

Dean swallows, he hadn’t known what it was at the time and he still doesn’t. If he has any good sense, he’ll chuck it up to feeling suffocated all the damn time, what with Gabriel shacking up permanent residence in his head, what with Gabriel knowing his thoughts and his feelings and all that other crap. It isn’t fair, but it doesn’t matter because Dean knows it’s not about that.

Having Gabriel in his head has never really been the issue. The second he felt Raziel latch onto him, everything changed. He can pretend that it hadn’t, to Gabriel anyway, but he doesn’t know how believable it’ll be.

“Look,” Dean says, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible, “I’m sorry I locked you out. I just felt like I needed to do it on my own, the hunt I mean. I couldn’t get my head straight. I didn’t want to lock you out, you have to believe that.”

Gabriel shakes his head, “I don’t know what to believe anymore. First you don’t want me, then you decide that you do but want to get back home to Sam after a _week_ , then you somehow decide that you don’t want me to be in your head anymore. I had no idea, Dean, maybe if you had _told_ me something. I’m not a mind-reader, I _never_ intrude where I’m not wanted. If you try to hide something, I respect your privacy and don’t go looking for it.” Gabriel’s words are honest and heartfelt and Dean hates himself for doing this to Gabriel. “Is that what you needed me to say?”

“I know you don’t, and I don’t know what I needed to hear.” Dean paces for a few seconds but then collapses back down on the bed. Just when he thought everything was going good with him and Gabriel he has to go and act like an idiot on their second case. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever win back Gabriel’s trust or his respect. “Jesus, this isn’t supposed to be this hard.”

Gabriel leans forward and lays a hand on his knee, which is jouncing up and down furiously. “Being in a relationship is tough, kiddo. I never told you it wasn’t going to be. Kali was a piece of work, burned hot and cold, hated me and loved me at the same time... I know I don’t need _that_ anymore.”

Dean snorts at that and Gabriel smiles rather than continue to glower at him. He climbs onto the bed behind Dean, wrapping his arms around him. “I just need _you._ If you want me out of your head, just say so and I’ll leave. I might be disappointed and or pissed, but I’ll never be angry at you. You have that right. But don’t shut me out again, I hate it when you do. It makes me feel like you don’t want us.”

“I do. You know I do.”

Gabriel nods and squeezes him tighter, and Dean loves the feel of Gabriel’s skin against his own. “What do you say we go out and get some burgers? We’ll even bring Sam along. Then we can talk some more, maybe lay down some ground rules.”

Dean shivers but smiles nonetheless, kissing his archangel until he has to pull away for air. “Sounds good to me.”

Gabriel grins, “Thought it might.”

* * *

 

_Why are you still indulging me?_

The hope that Sam won’t rant and rave at him is ludicrous. Dean still holds onto it though, until they get into his baby.

“What the hell were you thinking, going out in that water alone? You could have gotten yourself killed!”

Dean lowers his head slightly when he remembers that he was pretty much dead, however much sense that makes. Raziel took care of the kelpie, which surprisingly made him feel better at the time instead of worse, but now he just feels guilty about everything. The real, fucking awful truth is that he’s thrilled Gabriel hadn’t been in his head when Raziel had come upon him like a roiling wave of purpose and even anger. Anger over what, Dean didn’t know, but he had felt it like a dozen shards of ice.

He was thrilled because of the relief he felt in every bone and every pore, of the love and happiness that alone seemed to lift him up out of the murky depths of the ocean. He forgot about Gabriel for just that split second when he looked upon the light, had seen the massive, rich brown wings and that matching set of eyes that seemed to penetrate into his very soul.

He slams the memory deep down inside of him, startling Gabriel in the process, who he still likes to believe doesn’t pry.

“Guess I wasn’t thinking straight. Can we drop it now?”

Sam opens and closes his mouth like a fish out of water, but ultimately throws his hands up in the air in angered exasperation and looks back out the window. Dean drives until he comes across a diner, parks the car and gets out before anything else can be said. It was a stupid, rookie mistake, going out there without backup, but he’s done it before and Sam also needs to realize how he just needs to do things on his own sometimes.

He has two of the most pushy, hovering mother hens on the face of the Earth.

Dean starts to relax again once he slides into a booth and orders. Sam has eyes on him throughout the hour, curious and frustrated eyes, but his brother doesn’t say much and Gabriel doesn't stare at Dean at all. He’s backed off and Dean doesn’t get it, primarily because it’s Gabriel, Gabriel the almighty archangel who shouldn’t have to be pushed around with lies and denial and discomfort on Dean’s behalf.

There’s still a whole helluva lot he doesn’t really get about Gabriel.

He takes a short nap when they get back to the hotel, worn out from the events of the day before and the guilt over his anticipation of reliving his recent memories. The nap is fitful, filled with dark wings and the sound of his voice, powerful but soft, soft but knowing, knowing but eager to pretend. Raziel won't be leaving his head anytime soon.

Not that he wants him to.

He eventually retreats outside to get some fresh air, collapsing in the brand new hammock on the brand new balcony. It swings slightly under the new weight, and Dean lets its gentle movement lull his racing thoughts. His head is starting to sag back against the pillow when he feels a slight dip next to him. He turns his head and opens his eyes, and he’s greeted with a small smile and a cup of hot chocolate. He takes it in his hands and blows on it, moaning when he tastes the added chocolate.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Gabriel’s arm snakes behind him, a hand squeezing his shoulder and pulling him closer. Dean’s almost tempted to use him as a pillow, but he doesn’t want to test Gabriel’s patience further.

“Nah,” he admits. “It’s too early anyway.” There’s a silence between them for several minutes, Dean enjoys it and sips on his cocoa. With Gabriel’s arm around him and his delicious hot chocolate coating his mouth, he’s not thinking about Raziel or anything else at all. Gabriel’s warm and even sorta pliant against him, and while his grace isn’t currently nudging at him, it’s hovering close by, waiting for Dean to let more of Gabriel in.

“Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?”

Dean looks over in shock, nearly spilling the hot drink all over himself. “What? No,” he says, “no way!” He lowers his voice, remembering that some people are still trying to sleep inside. “That is _not_ what I want, Gabriel.”

Gabriel’s arm had slipped away from him when he had jerked forward at his question, now it brushes against his hip. “I meant right now, Dean.”

“Oh,” he says, licking his lips and suddenly feeling really _really_ stupid. “Thought you meant the other thing.”

The temporary thing that could - _should_ \- lead into a long-term thing. Damn, he feels so awkward around Gabriel all the time, like he’s tongue-tied. He has no way of expressing just how much Gabriel means to him, even with the whole archangel with the freakishly huge, chocolate brown wings who saved him thing looming over his head.

Raziel existing doesn’t change the way he feels about Gabriel, but it does confuse him about just how deep their bond goes.

His hair is ruffled before he can pull away, “I’m not letting you go that easily, tiger.”

“Good,” Dean nods, trying not to think about how long they’ll actually last, trying to convince himself that he doesn’t want to see Raziel again, that he gets the say in whether he does. “That’s good.”

If only it were that simple.

* * *

 

_It is that simple._

A week goes by, a week with Dean and Gabriel starting to ease back into things, Dean walking around figurative eggshells around his mate and doing everything he can to ensure Gabriel that he can trust Dean; a week where they pass the occasional boredom with long walks on the beach and a couple of easy, brainless hunts. The sex is still good, but Dean gets the feeling that Gabriel’s holding back, and not just in the physical way either. All things aside, it’s a week where Dean actually manages to forget about Raziel.

And then Raziel comes crashing back into Dean’s life again, into the life Dean is trying to keep together and make better for himself at the same time, a life that doesn’t need anymore complications or distractions. He comes crashing back down as if Dean owes him something, and Dean does, Dean owes him his life.

Gabriel must know he’s here, has to know, but Dean pretends that he doesn’t.

Raziel is looking outside the window when he opens the door and enters his room, and the angel’s gaze and posture slowly shifts until he is facing Dean and looking him up and down. Dean swallows and closes the door, pleading with himself silently not to make himself look like an idiot and to just thank him and then send him on his way.

“Hey.” Dean takes a step or two forward, proving both to himself and to the intruder that he trusts him. But of course he trusts him; he breathes out shakily when he remembers Raziel’s grace yanking him back to the plane of existence, when he remembers his strong arms pulling him back up onto shore. “Thanks for saving my ass. God only knows what would have happened to Gabe if I had.... Or, probably not,” Dean runs a hand through his hair and sighs a little shakily, “he probably would have just been better off.”

Raziel feels his grace tug at him, only minutely, but it seems distressed towards Dean’s sense of worthlessness. “I do not know whether my father is currently watching over you or your brother. Gabriel seems fond of you, however, and I very much doubt that he would not feel some sort of grief, as much as we are capable of, over your loss.”

Raziel can tell somehow that that doesn’t sit quite right with Dean. “Why the hell did you save me anyway? What did you have to gain by it? I don’t... I don’t understand.” It is clear that Dean is frustrated, and the archangel wants to ease that frustration as much as possible. Humans seem so overly fragile to Raziel, but rather than being just disconcerting, this makes them beautiful and intriguing to observe.

Dean goes speechless when Raziel motions towards the bed, “May I sit?” Once Dean nods he sits down and explains. “I have always been intrigued by humans, much more so than most angels. Being from the second line of archangels, I assumed my love and genuine fascination would be second to theirs, but the more I observed them the more I learned that that was not the case. My father was absent for many of my early years, but he took note of my interest and provided me with many gifts because of it. I am the archangel Raziel, Dean Winchester. One such gift that I have been given is the blessing to roam your Earth freely, to see humans from a closer viewpoint.”

“Yeah, but all you guys have some sort of agenda that ends up with me either being a meat suit or dead. How am I supposed to believe that you’re any different? You must have sided with either Lucifer or Michael, and I’m gonna take a wild guess and say it’s Michael.”

Raziel sighs softly, not wanting to anger Dean or frustrate him further. “You are not wrong, all of us must choose a side, but I am different than most angels. Sooner or later, I will choose a side, but now I am merely content to wallow among you. I saved your life because Gabriel would not have reached you in time. I found you because the angels have what are meant to be great things in mind for you, but I do not see as they do.”

Dean seems slightly startled by his last words, but Raziel has been watching Dean for several months, and he knows that the human is a skeptic if nothing else. It will not be easy, getting the human to trust him, but Raziel often finds that the easy path is never the right one.

“So, why the hell did you come back then?”

“I wish to know more about your bond. There have been few like it among the ages, among lesser angels, but none shared between an archangel and a human.” Raziel stops momentarily, allowing Dean to get a word in, but he continues when he seems to want to know more. “Gabriel seems just as affected as you are, and I would like to know how strong your bond is on both sides. I suppose analyze is the correct term.”

Raziel could continue to be unsure and realize that expressing his wish to understand their bond will only push Dean away, but he also knows that Dean wants to know just as much as he does.

“You and me both, pal. We’ve only just started to play around with it.”

Raziel stares at him curiously, surprised at his choice of words. “I may not know much about bonds, Dean Winchester, but I do know that they are fragile connections not to be played around with.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean says regretfully, shaking his head. “That’s not what I....”

Raziel stands up then and walks forward, only stopping when he’s a few inches away from Dean. He can tell that the human seems uncomfortable, but there’s something else in his eyes too, something that makes Raziel stay exactly as he is. “I will help you, whenever you are in need. I only ask that you trust me.”

There’s a war inside the human’s head, Raziel can tell that much by what he’s hiding behind his eyes. This will be slow going, winning Dean Winchester’s trust and convincing him to confide in Raziel about his bond with Gabriel, but Raziel doubts that he will grow impatient where Michael no doubt will. He thinks he might be able to learn quite a lot from being in Dean’s company.

“I can also tell you anything you want to know about Gabriel. His earlier years, at least.”

Dean doesn’t feel safe talking about this, bringing up the option to talk about Gabriel when he isn’t physically present at least. It feels wrong and it also feels like he has no right. Gabriel has never given him reason not to trust him, and Dean knows that Gabriel would tell him anything about himself if he asked. It’s not that Dean even wants to ask, it’s just that he wonders how much Raziel even knows.

“I don’t....”

Raziel places a reassuring hand on his arm; Dean wants to jerk away but unfortunately his body won’t move. “He is in danger, Dean. That is also why I have come. Michael wants his brother out of the picture, he _knows_ about the bond you share with him, and Lucifer will of course not take kindly to Gabriel protecting his bond-mate’s brother.” Dean tries to move away again, tries to get out of this conversation, but if Gabriel is in trouble then he needs to hear about it. He’s too much in love with him not to hear about it. “I do not want the apocalypse to begin. Whether you choose to take me at my word or not, that is up to you.”

Dean finds with a heavy head and a heart bursting with pressure that he can’t drive Raziel away. The archangel not only saved his life, but he also could be about to help him save Gabriel’s.

“Alright,” he swallows, grinding his teeth as his head starts to throb. “You can stay, analyze our bond, whatever the hell you want to do. But you have to help me protect Gabriel and keep him off the radar.”

Raziel lets go of him then and Dean rubs his arm, not because it’s painful but because it surprisingly isn’t, and he’s waiting impatiently for the consequences of Raziel touching him to appear. Somehow, they’re gonna wait to make an appearance.

Dean wonders too late about what the hell he’s done and where the hell he’s heading.

* * *

 

_Another angel?_

Gabriel is really not happy about Raziel coming and going like he’s part of the family.

Because Gabriel is perfectly fine now with Cassie hanging around more often than not, even if sometimes he walks into the living room to find Cas and Sam smooching, their tongues in each other’s mouths, Cas’ hands petting Sam’s hair and Sam’s hands in naughtier places. He watches them sometimes, thrilled that he and Dean are no longer at that just beginning stage but also envious because it seems like they’re more comfortable together than he and Dean will ever be, no matter how much he tries, no matter how much he tells himself that Dean is really not that infuriating or pigheaded or stupid.

So yeah, Gabe is totally fine with Cas being around, even if he is a little jealous, but that other damn angel is another story entirely.

Dean invited Raziel into their lives without clearing it with Gabriel first. Sure, Dean talked and Gabriel listened, giving into him like an idiot. But what the fuck has he gotten in return?

It’s not like he hasn’t heard of the archangel once or twice before, but he has no idea what he wants with Dean other than Dean telling him what he knows. He also has no intentions to share Dean’s valuable time, which is what’s happening.

It’s one thing for his mate to say that he needs time alone, it’s another for him to act like that’s the last thing he wants, spending every moment that he’s not with Gabriel with Raziel. Gabriel tells himself that he has no reason to feel jealous. He knows that Dean loves him, knows Dean’s not good at faking anything, whether it be the way he looks at Gabriel when they’re curled up in bed together, alone and content, or the smiles he shoots him when he catches Gabriel staring at him.

Everything about Dean is beautiful: the way he holds himself when he walks, the way his tongue runs over his full lips absentmindedly when he’s thinking about something too hard. The way his candy apple green eyes light up when Gabriel drags him away from other prying eyes, grabs his ass or kisses him hungrily when everyone is watching, feeling Dean squirm underneath him.

It’s not just purely physical with Dean though, it’s everything rolled up into one. It’s the joy and sense of honor surging through him when Dean pulls down his barriers to allow more of his grace to slip inside, to let Gabriel know more of him. It’s knowing that Dean feels like he’s worthy enough for just a short amount of time to feel good. It’s the absolute love he feels when Dean practically purrs as his grace brushes against his soul, showing its devotion.

Dean will have Gabriel for the rest of his life, if he wants it, and Gabriel vows to make the rest of his life _good._

And that is exactly why he won’t let Raziel get in the way of that.

* * *

 

_I met the angel Castiel today. He is fond of Dean and even more so of his brother, Sam. I am beginning to believe that I am fond of Dean too. He is strong, Father, and selfless. He is a good man and an even greater warrior. He has been kind to me, even giving. I feel I do not deserve his trust or his goodness. I understand better than I ever had before, Father, how every human is special and worth your love. Yet Dean, he is the most worthy to me._

Through the weeks, Raziel learns more about Dean than even he had expected. He learns about the things the human loves and values, what he hates and what he doesn’t want to talk about, not even to Gabriel. He learns about the bond he has with Sam and with Castiel, and he realizes how well he and Gabriel fit together, like two halves of the same person.

Even though he has spent less than a month with the Winchesters and those that they love, he wants the self-loathing, self-sacrificing Dean to be happy, and he wants to know everything there is to know about his and Gabriel’s bond so he can _save_ it, not destroy it.

He wants for the first time in his life, wants for things he has no right to ask for.

And he wants for one thing he will never let himself have.

* * *

 

_Accepting our bond is no longer the issue. I’m outta my depth here._

Dean comes to a sort of compromise with Raziel. He is hesitant to tell him about the bond, for his own sake and for Gabriel’s, but Raziel doesn’t seem to push him and because of this Dean only gives him a rough feeling of what it feels like. He tells Raziel that they can communicate without speaking, but he doesn’t tell him anything else.

Dean trusts Raziel, or at least he _wants_ to, but that doesn’t mean he’s gonna say everything he’s figuring out bit by bit about the bond. Some things are made to be kept as secrets. Hell, there’s even some things that Dean doesn’t even really talk about with Gabriel, even when his archangel brings them up. There’s a lot of Gabriel’s past that he doesn’t know about, unlike Gabriel knowing everything about his own, so he figures not really talking about their bond is his right.

But, anyway, here’s what Dean has so far about their bond:

1\. They both can communicate without words and without being near to one another.

2\. Gabriel can read Dean’s mind (although, that’s more to do with him being an archangel), and Dean can read Gabriel’s, but only in bits and pieces (not to mention it gives him a splitting headache).

3\. One can sense when the other is in danger even if the one in danger blocks their bond.

4\. Dean can take in more of Gabriel’s grace and can transfer it back to him.

5\. Gabriel’s grace can keep him alive (that’s probably more to do with him being an archangel too though).

6\. The lust is definitely amped up with their bond, but it can be controlled easily, which means their bond must not be the major factor.

7\. Gabriel’s grace is a mirror image of the emotions he is feeling at the moment. Whether his grace is the cause or the effect though, Dean has no idea.

8\. The sex is really, _really_ good.

Dean sighs and mentally tells himself to scratch off that last one. He and Gabriel never did it before the bond was in place, so he really doesn’t know whether their bond makes it a helluva lot hotter and heavier or not.

Oh, and....

9\. Dean can see Gabriel’s wings, or rather, the purest manifestation of Gabriel’s grace. He can touch them too, run his fingers through them over and over, which arouses Gabriel more than he likes to admit sometimes... most of the time.

Raziel knows that they can hear each other’s thoughts, and he no doubt knows about the whole wing thing too, since Dean didn’t exactly try to hide the fact when he first saw him that he can somehow see Raziel’s wings too, not to mention Castiel’s. Castiel was actually pleasantly surprised that Dean suddenly could; his are black and really fluffy, even if they are smaller than Gabriel’s. Sam was jealous beyond belief, and so was Gabriel when Cas gave him permission to touch them.

Still, Dean had made it up to Gabriel afterward, stroking his wings for a good hour or two.

“What’cha thinking so hard about, kiddo?” Gabriel plops down on the couch beside him, slipping a small, cherry red lollipop past Dean’s lips and into his mouth. Dean whines in protest around the lollipop, swatting at Gabriel’s hand until he puts the candy in his own mouth.

He licks his lips and soaks up the cherry taste, letting out a regretfully pleased sound at how good it tastes. He picks the remote up and shuts off the TV, turning slightly so he has his full attention on the archangel. “Nothing.”

Gabriel has Dean all to himself right now, and he won’t let that change in any way, for any reason. He’s been wanting to have this moment with Dean for months, but he could never just figure out the right time. Needing to pull Dean away from Raziel and back into Gabriel, this _is_ the perfect opportunity.

“You really expect me to believe that?”

“No,” Dean huffs, “guess I don’t. I was just thinking about what we know about the bond so far.” Gabriel didn’t realize that Dean thought about it at all, given he didn’t think he cared. He probably still believed that their bond was just getting in the way of things. Dean _did_ surprise him every once in a while though.

Gabriel makes a sound of agreement and puts the lollipop on the back burner. “You think about that a lot?”

Dean shrugs, “I mean, I guess I do. More lately than I used to.”

Gabriel is about to ask ‘and Raziel?,’ but he thinks better of it and jams the lollipop back in his mouth. If Dean wants to talk about their bond, then he shouldn’t deprive him of that. Then again, he really wants to do this.

He holds out his hand for the human to take, “Come with me.”

Dean looks up at him in curiosity, but he puts his hand in Gabriel’s own and allows him to pull him off the couch and into their bedroom. Dean can hear Sam and Cas talking in the other room, but he’s watching Gabriel too closely to pay much attention. “What’s going on, anyway?”

“Wait and see, little one.”

Dean blinks at the nickname, which he’s only heard once or twice before, but he shuts his mouth. He watches as Gabriel closes the door and locks it, only then leading him over to the bed and pushing Dean down onto it. “I’ve been saving this for a special moment, but I’ve ultimately realized that I need to show you now, to clear up the remaining tension between us.”

“Show me what....?”

Gabriel smiles down at him softly as he unbuttons his shirt, and as soon as it’s thrown to the ground Gabriel’s set of wings retreat from his back, blocking out the late afternoon sun coming in through the window. He’s never deliberately taken off his shirt before when pulling his wings out, so something definitely must be up.

Dean doesn’t tear his eyes away from Gabriel, taking in the enormity of his wings, the enormity that never seems any less than it truly is, the beauty that never seems less beautiful no matter how many viewings he gets. The wings aren’t sparkling as much as usual, betraying Gabriel’s nervousness, and Dean looks into his eyes again, reassuring Gabriel in his own way.

He nearly falls backward onto the bed when two more sets of wings extend out of his back to join the one set that Dean has only ever been able to see before. He gasps, trying to take the six wings in all at once and failing. “Jesus Christ....”

The archangel doesn’t reprimand him for his choice of words. “I wasn’t sure how you’d react, or if I should even show you them at all.” He backs off slightly, head tilted down, and Dean doesn’t ever want Gabriel thinking that he rejects any part of him, so he gets his ass up off the bed and doesn’t stop moving until their noses are almost brushing.

“They’re beautiful, Gabe.” The archangel smiles at him, a somewhat shy smile that warms Dean immediately. “I mean it, it’s the most spectacular thing I’ve ever seen.” He reaches out and brushes his fingers through the feathers, lingering on each one, admiring them for as long as Gabriel will let him. Gabriel breathes out deeply, sinking down into the bed. Dean follows him down, straddling him, never ceasing stroking his feathers.

“Fuck, kiddo. I love this. I love _you._ Do you have any idea how much?”

Dean shakes his head, not realizing that he’s done it until it’s too late. He knows Gabriel loves him, it’s not about that; it’s about the fact that he doesn’t deserve as much love as the archangel thinks he does.

Gabriel slips a hand behind his head and pulls him down, placing fervent kisses on his neck and then one right on his mouth. “You are a good man, and you’re so good to me. You gave me more than I ever could have dreamed up. You gave me a home, a family, _love._ You gave me your heart and your perky nipples and those lips and that ass.” Gabriel runs his hands up and down Dean’s back, and they shift as Dean arches into Gabriel’s sure touch. “You gave me access to your soul, which lights my way every day. I don’t care if what I’m saying sounds corny, I’m willing to be corny for _you_. _”_

Dean’s eyes fill with tears - he can’t help it - and he turns his head to the side, a half-attempt to hide his happiness from Gabriel. His hands retreat from Dean’s back and cup his face, moving it back so Dean can look down at him, down into those beautiful amber eyes that are filled with more love and understanding than they should be able to hold.

“I thought boys weren’t supposed to cry?”

Dean sniffs and sobs, some tears spilling out onto his cheeks. Gabriel kisses them away until there are only the tracks left, and after a long moment of studying Dean, he locks his lips with Dean’s, kissing him soft and slow like they have all the time in the world.

Gabriel’s three sets of wings wrap around Dean, rocking him back and forth like he’s in a cradle. Dean’s rundown and so tired and he doesn’t complain, so he closes his eyes and let’s Gabriel sing that Enochian lullaby to him again.

He can’t remember feeling more relieved.

* * *

 

_Please don’t ever let this end..._

The relief is short-lived, because every time Raziel walks into the room he seems to suck all the oxygen out, leaving Dean dizzy and confused and guilty. Caught red-handed, guilty.

Raziel doesn’t typically ask questions about their bond, leaving Dean to reluctantly breach the subject. Enough time has gone by that Dean is hell-bent on drilling Raziel about Gabriel, about how to get Gabriel off heaven’s and his brothers’ radar, for temporary use if not for good. But then when Raziel walks in he can’t find the words.

Usually the archangel will ask about Sam or Castiel, about Dean’s father and his mother and all the people Dean knows or has known. Dean suspects that what Raziel really wants is to know more about him and why he doesn’t know, but Raziel never directly asks Dean anything and he’s grateful for it.

Raziel is really comfortable to be around, freakishly comfortable. He can see the power brimming just below the surface, but Raziel seems gentle most of the time, gentler than Cas even. He’s asked Castiel about him a couple times and he can tell that he doesn’t like him or trust him, but then all Dean wants to drill Cas about is what he wants with his brother, which then dies when he remembers how happy Sam is.

If he’s with Gabriel, why should he deprive Sam of Cas?

“Dean,” Raziel nods after he appears in the room. “How are you?”

“Fine,” he snaps, irritated with Raziel after what he and Gabriel shared last night. Gabriel doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve Dean sneaking around behind his back like this. “What do you want today? Want to drill me about my childhood, about the first time I learned how to shoot a gun, or the first time Sam got hurt because I wasn’t good enough?”

Raziel looks startled by his harsh tone and Dean turns away, not wanting to see the pity that will no doubt be there. He doesn’t know much of Raziel’s back story, but his sympathy towards humans can be pretty annoying at times; Dean doesn’t know what to do with it.

“I am sorry that I have angered you. I will leave you be.”

“No,” Dean blurts out, cursing himself for not biting his tongue. Raziel turns back towards him but doesn’t move closer, merely watches and waits and Dean hates that. “Don’t, just stay,” he closes his eyes and curses himself again for not being stronger. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you like that, man.”

“There is no need to apologize....”

“There is,” Dean insists. “You promised to help me protect Gabriel and I’ve been nothing but a jerk to you. Can’t believe you haven’t threatened to send me back to the pit yet.”

He’s joking around but the expression on Raziel’s face seems horrified. “I would never make such a threat.”

Dean shrugs it off, “I know, just kidding around.”

Raziel grabs his shoulder again, just like the other day, and Dean really doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing anymore. “Look at me,” but Dean can’t, “look at me.” And Dean does, he looks right up into those chocolate brown eyes, those eyes that he can melt in, that he can drown in yet feel like he’ll be able to breathe better than where he’s at. “You are not worthless. You joke in order to hide your pain, I understand this, but you deserve happiness, and you reserve the right to snap at a moment of your choosing without feeling guilty over your words.”

Dean snorts. “Why the hell is everyone being so freaking nice to me late....?”

And then the archangel’s mouth is on his own, hands gripping his shoulders, wings seemingly shielding Dean from his own pain.

And Dean knows that there is no coming back from _this._


	8. And Where Were We?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Atomship’s ‘Dragonfly.’

_~You’ll come crashing round, around, around_

_But did you know_

_I loved you more than I could ever show?~_

* * *

 

_What the fuck have I done?_

Raziel’s mouth is moving slowly against his own - as if hesitant to make the kiss deeper - and Dean kisses back, but only because he wants to know if he feels anything.

He doesn’t. Instead, he just misses Gabriel.

Dean realizes suddenly that he and the archangel have been building up steadily to this moment for days now, maybe even since they first met. All Dean did was keep denying that it might come to this, but denying it hadn’t made it go away. It had happened after all and Dean feels ashamed. Still, he can’t deny the urge or the curiosity to kiss back, and he also can’t get the alarming fact that he’s actually _gay_ out of his head.

Angels are genderless, androgynous, but Dean’s still attracted to both Gabriel’s and Raziel’s male vessels, even if their vessels aren’t all he’s attracted to. He still feels _something_ for Raziel, but what he feels for Gabriel is entirely different, completely unique and definitely more than just an attraction to his vessel or his soul’s attraction to Gabriel’s grace. The way he and Gabriel fit together, like two puzzle pieces, he just doesn’t feel that with Raziel. The archangel is strong and powerful and there’s just something about his grace that Dean can’t ignore, but the moment that Dean allows himself to kiss him back he knows the truth, represented as a painful pang in his heart.

He is Gabriel’s and will always be Gabriel’s.

Dean’s angry that he’s let himself go through with this, that he hadn’t pulled away and then screamed at Raziel to leave, but he’s also relieved and happy and he’s shaking slightly because he finally knows what he wants.

His hands come up to Raziel’s shoulders and he pushes him gently away. Raziel doesn’t protest, he goes where Dean wants him to go, watching him with clouded eyes. “I’m sorry.” He looks up into those brown eyes, knowing now whose he would rather look into.

“I know. You love him.” Dean raises his eyebrow at that but nods anyway. He is bound to Gabriel completely, heart and soul, and that’s exactly where he wants to be. Nothing cemented his bond with Gabriel more than that kiss and Raziel, while looking slightly disappointed, also looks satisfied and understanding. It’s out of Dean’s system, it has to be now. “I could feel your love for him during the physical connection. It was an honor to experience such devotion.”

The human beams at the words. He could feel Gabriel throughout the kiss, could feel his love and his lust for him. He could not have been more sure of anything else, that he and Gabriel are meant to be together. It sounds cheesy in every possible way, but how he feels around Gabriel, with Gabriel’s grace surging through him, it can’t be expressed in words.

And it can’t be replicated with someone else, he knows that now.

Gabriel is sweet and funny and charming and it’s not just about the bond. He’s the man Dean wants to be with all the way, through anything life throws at them. He wants Gabriel to have his back and be at his side, wants to fall into his arms every night and kiss him over and over and over.

“I hope that we can still be friends, Dean.”

“Yeah, of course.” Dean smiles, though it has as much to do with Raziel’s easygoing acceptance of the situation as it has to do with the anticipation of seeing Gabriel again and telling him he has no more doubts, no more hesitance, nothing but love and desire and _need_. “This doesn’t change anything between us as far as I’m concerned.”

“I hope not.” Raziel leaves him then, leaves him with the happiest feeling he’s had in years. He reaches Gabriel through their bond, not tentatively, but like it’s the surest thing he will ever do.

No more running, no more hiding and no more distractions.

He loves Gabriel.

* * *

 

_Something’s up with you, kiddo._

Gabriel can feel Dean’s unusual happiness through their bond, and he makes his way physically to his mate in deep-seated anticipation. That happiness makes him happy and he can feel Dean’s love, stronger than it’s ever been, and it almost causes him to lose control of his grace completely. He still keeps it in check most of the time, since he’s still not sure how much of his grace Dean truly can handle, but in this moment he hardly tries to reign it in.

He never intrudes where he’s not wanted, but as soon as he’s standing physically in front of Dean, whose very soul seems to scream out in joy and relief, he can’t stop the loud, at the very front of his mind, thoughts that Dean is sending through the bond.

And then he can sense Raziel, see Raziel, feel Raziel.

Gabriel loses it.

His hands take hold of Dean’s shirt none too gently, fierce hands that grab some skin in the process and cause Dean to yelp as Gabriel shoves him several feet backward into a wall. Dean winces as his back connects, and he tries to pull himself forward but Gabriel reaches him first, slamming him backward again, watching with no remorse as his head connects with the wall.

The human’s soul is reaching towards Gabriel’s grace as if expecting sympathy. Gabriel blocks him out of his head, taking back the grace that had wound around Dean’s soul so meticulously when their bond was created, lying dormant and pleading until he had accepted it.

He blocks out Dean’s pain and his hurt and his confusion.

Fire is surging throughout his entire vessel, igniting his grace. He wants to slam Dean into the wall until Gabriel grows numb, wants to _hurt_ him until he’s bleeding and can’t keep himself upright anymore, but whatever restraint he has tells him that Dean is still his charge, still his responsibility, and hurting him physically will solve nothing.

“Stop it, Gabe. You’re hurting me....” Gabriel only grows angrier at his nickname though, and his hands grip Dean harder, fingernails digging into his skin and drawing blood, hands leaving angry bruises on his skin. He is _angry,_ angrier than he has ever been before. Dean has betrayed him, stabbed him in the back, threw away their love and their bond as if it were _nothing_.

Nothing could hurt more.

“You have made such a big, _big_ mistake, Dean Winchester. And you will pay dearly for your actions.”

Dean sinks underneath him, the fight leaving him completely. His voice is hoarse when he speaks, “He means nothing to me, Gabriel. You have to believe that. The kiss meant _nothing._ It only made me realize how much I love you, how much I’ll always love you. Can’t you feel that?” He pleads, his hand reaching upwards to cup the archangel’s cheek but Gabriel slaps it away, his hand gripping Dean’s wrist so hard that he can feel the bones crushing beneath his fingers. Dean cries out in pain, but it does nothing for Gabriel.

He shoves down what little he can of his grace, but he allows most of it to fuel his anger.

There will be no more tricks, no more giving in. He was a fool to think that Dean really loved him, that Dean really wanted to accept their bond and be with him. Dean will still pay though, for the rest of the human’s short life Gabriel will make him _suffer._

It had all been a game to Dean and now... now Dean was going to play Gabriel’s game.

Gabriel’s hand goes towards Dean’s throat, gripping it tightly, lifting him up off the ground slightly so as to increase the pressure. Dean struggles weakly in his hold, choking, fighting for air, his eyes wide as his hand paws at the archangel’s. Gabriel looks into his eyes for no other reason than to torture himself, to look into the eyes of the man whom he believed had loved him.

“Hey! What’s going on?” A moment of silence and then Gabriel can hear footsteps growing closer and the voice growing angrier. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to my brother? Let him go, Gabriel!” Gabriel recognizes Sam’s voice, but he doesn’t turn around and he does nothing more than throw Sam across the room when he tries to pry him off of Dean. No one can save Dean from his wrath.

Gabriel let’s go of Dean’s throat and Dean coughs weakly and breathes heavily. “Don’t hurt him, Gabe.” Dean sucks in several deep breaths, his eyes so wide and so green that it’s all Gabriel can do not to open up their bond again. “Please. Hurt me instead.”

The archangel smirks at him, “Oh believe me, I will. By the time I’m done with you and throw you back to hell, you’ll wish you had never been saved in the first place.”

Dean shivers underneath him, shrinking further under Gabriel’s gaze, no longer looking him in the eye. It’s an insult as much as it is an act of submission, but Gabriel has to admit that he can hardly look at Dean either. He doesn’t try to hide his disgust or his fury, and as much as he doesn’t want Dean to see how hurt he is, he can’t keep it inside any longer.

“How could you?” He asks, letting Dean go and stepping away, watching as he slides down onto the floor, locking eyes with Sam across the room. Dean’s face is haunting and his soul is in pain, and Gabriel can remember a time where he would do anything in this world for this human. Now, he couldn’t care less.

Castiel enters the room before he can expect to hear a response and goes straight for Sam, who is miraculously still conscious. After examining the younger Winchester for a few moments, he finally looks up at Gabriel with icy blue, hate-filled eyes, fury pouring off of him in waves. “I would leave _now_ , Gabriel.”

Gabriel looks back at Dean, taking note of the dullness of his green eyes, his head hung low in defeat, blood running down the side of his head and down his face. “Who the hell would want to be here, anyway?”

He leaves.

* * *

 

_It’s over._

Sam holds onto consciousness with every ounce of strength he possesses. He blinks away the black tearing into his vision, focusing on Dean who seems like he could be a world away but is only just across the room. His brother isn’t putting up as much of a fight as Sam would have expected, instead he lets himself be pushed around by Gabriel entirely.

If Gabriel thinks he can get away with hurting his brother like this, he has another thing coming.

Sam struggles to lift himself up off the ground and make his way over to his brother again, but it’s all he can do to stay awake. He hates it, the only thing he can do is pray that the archangel won’t kill his brother. He never should have let Gabriel into their lives in the first place, no matter Dean aching for something he didn’t even know.

He vows to kill Gabriel the next time he sees him and starts thinking about the ways he can do it, but then a familiar figure is leaning over him, a gentle hand on his forehead and another on his back. The eyes are the giveaway; Sam would know those vibrant blues from anywhere: Castiel. He smiles, relieved that he is no longer alone in this, and then motions with one hand towards where his brother is lying on the ground.

Cas finally shifts his attention momentarily away from him and with a few words Gabriel leaves. Sam’s entire body sinks into the floor in relief, and before he can even take a good look at his brother, he stands up shakily, stumbles over to his room and locks himself inside it.

“Dean!”

His brother ignores him just like he knew he would and before he can protest Castiel is helping him to stand, supporting him as he forces him to sit down in a chair. Sam stares at the door pointedly, trying to stand up again, but Cas’ hands fall on his shoulders and push him back down gently.

“I will check on him in a little while.” And sure, Dean may need some time alone, time to think whatever he needs to think through, but Sam doesn’t want to give that to him. He wants to know if Dean is okay, and he wants to know what the hell happened to make Gabriel so angry.

“I’m okay, Cas, really...,” but the angel’s eyes hold him in place this time, and Sam can’t do anything but relent and let Cas look after him for a while.

Castiel crouches down on the ground beside him, his hands lifting the legs of Sam’s jeans and examining him. Sam sinks further back into the chair, secretly grateful that Cas is tending to him. He isn’t quite sure what he has with the angel or even the extent of what he feels, but he does know that Cas cares about him and that he cares about Cas. The kisses they’ve shared have been tentative and small, but Sam wants so much more of Cas than he’s probably willing to give him.

His gravelly voice causes Sam to jump, “If he ever lays a hand on you again, then he will feel my wrath.”

Even Sam’s shivering from that. “Don’t, Cas,” he protests, smiling nervously down at his rage-filled eyes. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Castiel’s eyes soften and he reaches up to place a hand on the side of Sam’s face. Sam leans into the touch, a hand gripping his trench coat tightly, as if that will prevent him from leaving. “The worry is appreciated, Samuel, but he is not allowed to harm you while I continue to exist. And,” his other hand covers Sam’s own, the one gripping his coat as if it’s life itself, “I will not leave you while you are in this condition.”

“What condition?”

Castiel ignores him and helps him up again, leading him to the couch and then gingerly pushing Sam down onto it. His hands never leave the human’s, and his touch is warm and predictable and brings Sam back to life a little. Castiel crouches down on the ground again, this time by Sam’s head, and he runs his fingers through Sam’s hair back and forth until Sam becomes convinced that he actually is tired.

“Come on,” he murmurs, gripping the sleeve of his coat and trying to pull him up onto the couch beside him. Castiel smiles at him gently, knowing what he’s trying to do, but he gives in and lays down so that his back is tucked underneath Sam’s chest. Sam buries his face in his neck and breathes in his clean scent. The angel’s hand reaches back and cups the back of his head, his fingers once more running through his hair.

Sam falls asleep just like that.

* * *

 

_It can’t be over._

Dean grabs the first bottle of liquor he can find and downs it, not even reading the label before doing so. It burns like fire as it goes down his throat, settling in his belly like a suffocating weight. When the first bottle is empty and slips out of his grip and onto the floor, he simply reaches blindly for another and chugs that one down like it’s water too, though he’s forced to work more slowly. He doesn’t know how much time passes, no more than an hour or two, but he drinks and drinks until he can barely see straight anymore and then drinks some more. He can feel his body responding to every drop and he knows it’s trying to shut down and doesn’t care. Why should he care about himself anymore?

Liquid courage, the stuff of champions. With each passing moment, he’s forgetting more and more about what happened between him and Gabriel.

_Gabriel... have to find Gabriel. Gabriel will be worried._

He gets dizzy after a while and has to lay down on the rug. He’s shaking and sweating, his mouth tastes like ass and it feels like a thousand ants are crawling underneath his skin, playing around in his skull and short circuiting his brain. He forgets how to breathe for a few minutes and passes out, and when he wakes up again he feels a thousand times worse.

_No... Gabriel doesn’t care. Gabriel doesn’t love me anymore._

Dean stands up trying to find a clock, to figure out what time it is, but he falls back down to the sweat-soaked rug. Stubborn idiot he is, he gets up again and manages to make it a few inches before his leg connects with something and he goes toppling towards the ground again. _Friggin’ idiot._

Someone catches him before he collapses into the sweat-soaked rug again though, someone with incredibly strong arms who practically picks him up and settles him down on his bed, which is as far away from the bottles as he can possibly get. Dean looks up into chocolate brown eyes and immediately wants to continue with his drinking.

“Wha’ are you doing here? Get th’ hell out.”

Raziel ignores him in favor of rubbing his hands up and down Dean’s shaking arms. Dean’s teeth are chattering, his brain fuzzy, and he prays to God that he’ll pass out within the next minute or so. He doesn’t know how much more he can take. The rubbing that’s paining and annoying him more than comforting him stops and a large hand settles on his forehead, brushing back the hair sticking to his skin. When Dean closes his eyes he’s on a roller coaster, so he’s forced to keep them open and to look up into those worried eyes, hating himself for putting the worry there.

He’s still shaking by the time Raziel pulls several blankets up to his chin, tucking him in. Dean squirms, wanting Raziel to go away but also wanting him to stay, and the archangel shushes him, taking Dean’s hands in his own and holding them.

“Stay with me, Dean. It’s not your time yet.”

“Wha’ tha’ hell do you know?”

Raziel gives him a look of pity and hands Dean a cup of water. “Drink this, then you can sleep. I will watch over you.”

Dean starts to sob then, loud sobs that wrack his entire body and that bring forth big fat ugly tears that betray the pain he feels inside. He doesn’t know why it happens and he doesn’t know why he can’t get it to stop, but somehow he figures it’s better crying in front of Raziel then it is in front of Sammy or even Cas. “Gabe...,” he takes several deep breaths, but somehow he just can’t get enough air, “he knows what happened. He hates me. I didn’t...,” he takes in another breath, hiccuping in between sobs, “I didn’t want him to hate me.”

Raziel shushes him again and holds his head up while he drinks the water. As soon as it’s gone, the cup is magically filled again and Raziel makes him drink that too, settling another pillow behind the human.

“Why...?” Dean blinks through the tears and the onslaught of dizziness, “Why are you here?”

Raziel sits down on the bed in further efforts to keep Dean lying down. “I wanted to come sooner, but I believed Gabriel might be angered further if he saw me with you.”

 _Ya think?_ Dean’s too tired and dizzy to keep his eyes open anymore, so he closes them. He’s still sweating and shaking slightly, but not nearly as much as he had been; that must be the archangel’s doing.

“I always knew he was powerful, _capable,_ ” Dean murmurs, “but I never thought that he would use it against me. I never thought....” He licks his lips, unconsciousness calling out to him. He’s grateful that Raziel isn’t trying to wrap him in his grace, he doesn’t think he’d be able to handle that right now, as soothing as it might be. “Raz, you’ll stay, right?”

The archangel doesn’t answer, but he scoots closer to Dean in response.

* * *

 

_Why the hell am I still alive?_

Dean wakes up the next morning with a nonexistent hangover from hell and a wrist that feels like it hasn’t been broken at all. _Huh._ Raziel really had worked wonders on him, healing him physically and even emotionally, Dean hates to admit, all without pulling too much of his own grace into the human. Raz coming to him last night had been comforting and might have even saved his life. He knew there had been way too much alcohol in his system, enough that he would have died pathetic and alone.

Still, he had had no right to ask Raziel to stay with him. It wasn’t his job, and it only made him feel guiltier given he rejected the guy. Sure, he had a good reason for doing so, but Raziel shouldn’t want to be around with him after that, let alone keep him alive and stay with him in order to keep him sane.

There’s a glass of water on the nightstand and Dean grabs it and gulps it down, remembering how dry his mouth had been last night.

 _Gabriel doesn’t love me anymore. He_ hates _me._

He barely gets the water down before he’s stumbling to the bathroom and upchucking it into the toilet. It’s not because he’s hung-over, miraculously he isn’t, even though he knows he should be, knows he deserves to feel some physical pain, but it’s the thought of Gabriel hating his guts that causes him to throw up several times before his body finally grants him release.

Someone’s banging on the door and Dean finishes what he’s doing, flushes the toilet and then heaves himself up off the cold tile floor.

He knows who it is before he even opens the door. “Cool it, Sammy. I’m fine, just needed to get my head together last night.”

“Jesus, Dean.” Sam takes a step back and Dean realizes he probably should have looked at himself in the mirror before leaving the bathroom. “I was worried about you, that’s all. You sure you’re okay, man?” A hand reaches forward, fingers about to brush against Dean’s cheek, but Dean steps back and his brother drops his hand. “You look kinda pale.”

“I’m fine. What about you? Gabriel tossed you pretty hard yesterday.”

“Yeah, but Cas took care of me. I’m just a little sore, that’s all.” Dean winces when he sees the bruises on his brother’s back, but he pulls his shirt back down and nods, content that Sam seems okay.

“So,” he smirks, “you and Cas, huh?”

“Yeah,” Sam admits, trying to ignore Dean’s smirk but also secretly pleased that his brother even wants to know about his love life at all. He and Cas hadn’t exactly done anything last night but snuggle on the couch and kiss for a little while, but Sam has never felt more sure of him and Cas than he does right now. He feels so happy and alive around the angel, and he feels like he has worth in his eyes. With every time that Cas nips at his neck or runs his fingers through his hair, Sam feels loved, and in a completely different way than what it’s like with Dean.

Cas is adorable in so many ways, in the things he does and says, but when he’s with Sam they don’t need any words and Castiel seems sure of everything he’s doing, like he’s been waiting to shower attention on someone for all his existence.

He thinks about whether that’s what Dean and Gabriel have, or judging by last night, _had._ If it is, then he’s really happy that Dean’s found someone who makes him happy. Thinking about what he and Castiel have, it only drives Sam more towards repairing the rift between his brother and Gabriel. Even if a huge part of him still wants to get rid of Gabriel for good.

“Enough about me though,” he quickly switches the subject and Dean looks at him suspiciously. He doesn’t care, it’s time for Dean to talk and for him to listen. “What happened with Gabriel?”

Dean sighs, sinking down onto the couch. Sam swallows and stares, only able to see the image of him and Cas curled around each other. “Raziel and I....”

“Kissed,” Sam interrupts, clearing his throat and looking away from the couch and into his brother’s shocked eyes. “I saw you two last night. Dean, you kissed _back._ ”

He had been eavesdropping and then when that wasn’t good enough for him, he had poked his head slightly into the room, spying on the two of them. He knew how comfortable Dean had grown around Raziel, and he wanted to see what they were like together when they were alone. He had had to put his hand over his mouth when he had seen the archangel who had come into their lives so suddenly kiss his brother.

Sam had watched with wide eyes and a clenching heart as his brother had kissed that very same archangel back. He didn’t want to judge or make any assumptions, which is why he had stayed for the entire conversation. His body had sunk in relief when Dean admitted that it was Gabriel who he loved, but he had that nagging thought at the back of his mind that Gabriel may not feel the same way.

His brother had done what he needed to move on, but it didn’t seem like the right move from where Sam had stood, an uncomfortable witness.

Dean’s anger ratchets up quite a few notches and Sam can see that Dean’s shaking. “I know.” Maybe this isn’t the right time to pressure him. “But it didn’t mean anything.”

“Well,” Sam sits down beside him, his arm brushing against Dean’s arm intentionally. “Does he know that?”

“I don’t know,” Dean starts fidgeting with his hands, picking at his holed jeans. Sam wants to grab his hands and make him stop, but he knows it wouldn’t be appreciated. He’s fidgeting himself from the need to calm Dean down. “I tried to tell him but he wouldn’t listen to me. I don’t think he ever will again. It’s over.”

“Don’t...” Sam jumps forward, his hand taking Dean’s own finally. Dean pulls away quickly as if he’s been shocked by an electrical current. Sam can see the hurt expression on his brother’s face and knows his own must mirror that. He’s scaring him right now, Dean looks right on the edge of sanity. “Cas!”

Dean flinches and looks up at him again, backing away from Cas when he shows up in the room, facing an unsure Sam.

“Sam?” He notices the scared look on Sam’s face then and turns towards Dean. His voice is filled with as much concern towards him as it had been towards Sam. “Dean?”

Dean backs away further and Sam finally notices that he’s moving towards the door. “Look, I don’t wanna fuck the two of you up. So I’m just gonna leave, only for a little while. Don’t worry ‘bout me,” he looks over at a panicky Sam, who is moving forward slowly, as if he actually thinks he can stop Dean, “just take care of yourselves.” He heads out the door then, not stopping until he can see the Impala.

Castiel is leaning against the driver’s side door.

“Dean.”

“Cas, please,” he begs. “Let me go.” Castiel looks at him for a long moment, _really_ looks at him. The angel hasn’t looked at him in this way since Gabriel came into his life, and Dean finds he sometimes misses it. His eyes are so blue and so inviting, and Dean wishes he could go back with Castiel, but he can’t. He has to get away; he hates leaving his brother behind but he has to figure things out on his own.

Castiel nods and stands aside, letting Dean open the door and slide behind the wheel. He’s about to close the door before the angel’s hand falls on it, preventing him from riding away without another word. Dean looks up at him again. “Please be careful, Dean.”

Dean swallows and nods, turning away from the sad look on the angel’s face. He starts the car and he drives away, but not without looking back, watching as the angel recedes more and more into the distance. The angel who pulled his ass out of hell and rebelled for him still stands there, watching him go.

He should turn back, shouldn’t make Sam and Cas worry.

He doesn't.

* * *

 

_I’m alone now, Gabriel. Can we talk?_

Despite having a full tank of gas he’s forced to pull over a couple of hours later; Gabriel’s doing, no doubt. He sighs, but he doesn’t rant and rave to the archangel. He deserves this, deserves walking back to try and find that gas station he passed by a while back, deserves the sun beating down on the back of his neck and face, leaving him feeling exhausted and on the verge of collapse. It’s his own fault for not thinking to bring a bottle of water, but he tries not to think about it and walks on.

He makes a note to pick up a bottle of something when he gets to the gas station.

Two hours later and he never does find that gas station. Night should be coming soon, but the sun is still brutally high in the sky and there are no trees around to give him shade. He sits on the side of the road for a few minutes, knowing he’ll never get anywhere with having pissed off a fucking archangel.

_Gabriel, please. Can we just talk?_

The sound of thunder rolls across the landscape, and within seconds Dean is drenched by an onslaught of rain. Lightning streaks across the sky as the rain pummels him to the cooling down blacktop. He sits in the rain, giving Gabriel what he wants, hoping he’ll keep on doing exactly what he’s doing because the day he doesn’t is the day that Dean will lose him forever. Dean refuses to let Gabriel go, refuses to let him keep believing that Dean doesn’t love him.

 _You can do whatever you want to me, Gabriel. I’ll always love you. If you don’t want to believe it, then that’s fine. But I am_ never _going to give up on you._

Lightning strikes the ground not three feet away from him and Dean jumps, huddling further in on himself. There is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Leaving the safety of the hotel to find Gabriel has put him entirely at his wrath. Gabriel can do whatever he wants to Dean and there is no one who can or will stop him. It’s for the best, and Dean’s still thinking it even as a bolt of lightning strikes his heart and electrocutes him. He can feel himself being fried from the inside out, the pain fierce and unending. He clenches his teeth, fears he’s about to break them, and tries to hold onto his memories with Gabriel in order to find comfort. It’s excruciating- for lack of a better word - and he screams until his voice gives out, until he can’t remember how to breathe anymore.

Dean can hear the snap of fingers within the thunder somehow, can feel his heart restarting, Gabriel bringing him back to life.

In that last moment he wanted to die, he just wanted the pain to stop, praying that it wouldn’t taunt him into death. But he still remembered Gabriel, how much he loves him. Dean has to make Gabriel see, any way he can.

He sits up, his heart a raw thing in his chest and sharp, sudden pains shooting up into his head and lighting it up like fireworks. The rains stops and he sits on the blacktop still, shivering, using any leftover willpower within him to attempt to open up their bond again. He isn’t strong enough though and Gabriel shuts him out, shoving him far away from his grace.

There is still some grace left within Dean and he continues to clutch it tightly, hoping Gabriel will leave it be. It’s so deep down that he can’t even get a read on it, to see if it’s as angry as Gabriel himself is, but he prays silently that it won’t be ripped out of him. He still doesn’t know enough about their bond to know the damage that will occur if it’s taken, or if any will occur at all. Gabriel had assumed that if one of them consented then the bond would just fall away like it had never been there in the first place.

They’re still in the dark though, Dean perhaps more than anyone.

He falls asleep on the side of the road after a while, the desire for Gabriel rendering him delirious with _need_. When he wakes up the next morning the Impala is several feet away, the black paint that remains on her glistening in the sun. The rest of her is painted cherry red with black lettering that reads: You will pay. A surge of anger rises up within him, because Gabriel can mess with Dean all he wants but he certainly _cannot_ ever touch Dean’s car. Apparently, though, he has.

_That the best you can do, Gabe?_

He slides into the driver’s seat, starts the engine and is rewarded with an airbag being slammed into his face. He blacks out for who the fuck knows how long, his right eye swelling up so he can’t see much out of it. “Goddammit,” he curses silently, reaching across the bench seat for the water bottle that he can just about make out. He grabs it and presses it against his face, sighing out loud at the sweet relief the cold brings, but he can’t miss the note that sails down to his lap. He picks it up and reads: _Don’t want you dying on me anytime soon, Dean. There’s a lot more fun to be had._

“How thoughtful of you.”

He starts up the car and drives away, wondering how long it’ll be this time before the archangel stops him again.

* * *

 

 _It’s a long time coming, all the hurt you caused me, all the times I believed you loved me,_ could _love me._

He and Dean have eight days together.

Dean is alone for much of that time and Gabriel wants to keep it that way. He focuses on Dean several times a day when he’s bored out of his mind to inflict punishment on him, but he never let’s Dean see his vessel or his wings, knowing it might instill hope in him. All the hope that Dean has left will be crushed, little by little, he will obliterate all of Dean’s faith and all the memories he ever dared to share with him.

Gabriel would inflict more on Dean than he currently is, but truth be told it takes enough energy on his grace’s part to merely keep their bond forcibly shut and to keep Dean out of his head. He wants to give Dean no comfort, no matter how small; he wants to see him suffer.

It’s fucked up, this situation that Dean has put him into. Guardians are supposed to protect and look after their charges, keeping them calm through times of physical and emotional strain. Inflicting pain on Dean doesn’t feel right, in any sense of the word, which is why Gabriel has to keep their bond permanently shut until he finds out how to do away with it completely.

And he will, do away with it, get rid of any trace of it like it hadn’t existed in the first place.

So what is he waiting for?

He’s having more fun, that must be it. Gabriel’s saved up ideas for an occasion such as this particular one. On day two he sets a car up and has it run Dean over, another slams into his car while he’s in it later that night and has him in so much pain that Gabriel can hardly cope with it, having to heal him instead of taking the extra time to kill him and then bring him back to life, just so Gabriel can breathe again. He doesn’t know how much longer he can do this, can’t stand it that Dean hasn’t broken yet.

But with everything that Gabriel is doing to Dean, that Dean doesn’t allow himself to grow angry towards, that he just gives into, the less the archangel understands. Through it all, Dean keeps on telling him that he loves him and that he will never give up on him. Is it a tactic to get Gabriel to stop? If it is then it isn’t working, not by a long shot.

Why isn’t Dean fighting?

Yet so it goes on....

Days three to four he has Dean die from heat exhaustion and dehydration; it takes long enough too.

Days five to six he has someone shoot him, stab him, messes with Dean’s head and has him cut himself with a rusted knife, but then Gabriel can’t go through with the infection part. He’s as exhausted as Dean is.

Gabriel spends the rest of his precious time filming pornos with a multitude of girls: blondes, brunettes, red-heads, girls of every skin tone and every personality, you name it and Gabriel has it; he brings guys in too, anything to satisfy his ravishing appetite. He eats cake and drinks truckloads of champagne in between shots. He manages to get hard the first few times, but after that there’s no hope of it being that way again anytime soon. None of it feels right, and all of it just makes him miss Dean more.

Still, he refuses to sulk. He’ll never be with Dean again, in any way. Once he figures out how to break the bond he’ll figure out how to break the mark upon Dean’s soul also, the one that designates Dean as Gabriel’s charge. He doesn’t know how much longer he’ll torture Dean, but he won’t be around Dean forever.

Just looking at Dean makes him sick with hatred and sick with longing.

Gabriel has no idea which one is stronger.

More and more he can’t allow the pain to last, keeps on shortening the periods between Dean’s dwindling life and death. It hurts Gabriel to see Dean in pain, but he swallows down the sickening feeling in his stomach and presses on. He’s long since ignored his grace and has no idea of its take on how things are going.

On day seven he lights Dean on fire as he’s filling up his car with gas.

He must not have kept the bond in check because the pain is so sudden in Gabriel that he puts Dean out and sets him back in the car, on the backseat. Dean is curled up, so still, his eyes wide and he’s on the brink of screaming and sobbing. So is Gabriel.

Gabriel closes the metaphysical door that allows him to look down on Dean and is sucked into a memory shared between him and the human. No matter how hard he tries he can’t block it out. Dean is lying in his arms, trailing his fingers along Gabriel’s throat and down to his chest, resting his head there, where he fits so well. Gabriel is trying to teach him some words in Enochian but Dean is too distracted, yawning every thirty-seconds and kissing every inch of Gabriel he can reach from his current position. Gabriel squirms to get more comfortable, massages Dean’s scalp affectionately and feeds him chocolates when he can coax Dean’s mouth open. _I love this creature, and I always will._

The memory ends even quicker than it began. He feels sweaty and hot, feels terrible because as angry as he was, as angry as he still is, he can’t make up for this. He can’t ever ask Dean to forgive him for all of this.

Fuck, he loves Dean too much for this.

On the afternoon of day eight it’s over.

Dean gets in his car and drives, no longer asking to see Gabriel or speak to Gabriel and something in the archangel clenches so terribly that he wants to pass out from it. This time, Gabriel leads him back to the hotel into Sam’s and Castiel’s open arms.

Gabriel’s arms are open too, but Dean can’t see them.

Whatever he and Dean had, it might still be there if he wishes for it hard enough.

* * *

 

 _Dean is broken, Father. I fear for his sanity and I fear even more the things that Gabriel will do to him. I have shamed my kind by engaging in physical contact - no matter how brief - with the human and I will accept the consequences. But I cannot,_ will not _, allow those consequences to involve Dean Winchester. I will protect him, even if it is from himself._

“How is the book coming along?”

Raziel puts the book away hurriedly and only then looks up at Michael; he is protective of it not only for his own sake, but also for his father’s. Raziel has waged a great war with himself over whether to write his thoughts in the book or not, but at length he has decided to. His gaze is guarded and his tone is clipped; it is no matter to him that he is speaking to the first archangel his father created. “It is of no concern to you.”

Michael’s grace expands in anger but his vessel smiles. “I know. Dean Winchester, however, _is_.”

Raziel’s head hangs low, “I am aware.”

Michael steps forward and wraps his hand around the throat of Raziel’s vessel, and his own grace contracts in surprised pain. Raziel forgets most of the time that the vessel he has chosen, the one designed specifically for him, has a breathing condition. He was a good man, and Raziel does not want his body to be damaged further. His hand wraps around Michael’s, trying to get him to ease the pressure.

“Gabriel is close to breaking the bond. Make sure he goes through with it.”

He can tell Michael is close to leaving and he steps forward after his throat is released. “And Dean? What assurances can you give me that he won’t be permanently damaged as a result of Gabriel breaking that bond?”

Michael stares at him closely, his eyes glowing with recognition. “I warned you not to grow close to the human and yet you have.”

Raziel stands his ground; the thought of Dean alone is worth that. “He is a good man.”

His superior ripples with barely hidden anger, “He is the vessel designed specifically for me. Surely you understand my situation, considering you have found your true vessel.”

He does understand, but he also knows that driving Dean to the point of saying yes is wrong. His vessel gave him his full consent, with no manipulation on Raziel’s part. Raziel promised him years of no pain, years of not struggling to breathe properly. Dean will be tortured until he says yes, and all to start an apocalypse that Father surely would never wish upon the Earth. Although, if he isn’t on Michael’s side, he won’t be able to help Dean in any way.

Raziel is torn. He is torn between fighting for Dean to continue living his life or to pressure him to give into Michael and live out the rest of his days in peace, with no more pain. He is torn between going to Dean’s side and comforting him or staying away so he doesn’t fall deeper into the hole he has stumbled into.

He is torn between wanting to love Dean or doing the right thing by getting Dean and Gabriel back together, who have a lot to settle between them but who belong together. Gabriel’s grace is so lively and joyous when in Dean’s presence, and the human’s soul shines brighter than ever when in Gabriel’s.

He is torn, so torn.

_Father, please help me._


	9. Friend or Foe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Duncan Sheik’s ‘Barely Breathing.’

_~You really had me going, wishing on a star_

_But the black holes that surround you_

_Are heavier by far~_

* * *

 

_Don’t think it’s over yet, kiddo._

Now that Dean is back with his brother and Cassie, Gabriel has to be much more careful when inflicting pain upon Dean, lest Cas will somehow find out, and also lest Dean receive comfort of any kind, since it would reduce the hurt. His heart is no longer in punishing Dean into death, but Gabriel intends to make him suffer for as long as he can, to make Dean realize just how much he hurt him.

He poisons Dean’s food once, an echo of the Mystery Spot, but he quickens Dean’s death by a few hours. Watching Dean go through the pain of the last week with such strength and grace, never once begging for it to stop, has convinced Gabriel to not extend that pain for as long as he was once prone to do. That, and he just can’t watch Dean struggle through it for much longer. After the days of inventive suffering, he just makes him go through brief but horrible nonetheless food poisoning.

Gabriel retreats back to the tricks and taunts and leaves behind him the acts of cruelty.

He has Dean walk into doors and walls for kicks, his head banging into concrete or hardwood; he makes it too cold or too hot in his room when he’s sleeping; incessantly adjusts the temperature of the water in the shower - just little uncomfortable things that have Dean cursing and swearing and shaking his head at the archangel, but he doesn’t go much farther than that.

As soon as he realizes that Gabriel’s not quite done with Dean, Castiel begins watching the hunter like a hawk, taking note of every flicker of pain across his face, of every hoarse word that makes it past his lips. Sam catches on quickly enough and soon refuses to leave Dean alone,making threats against Gabriel that remind him too much of early on, when Gabriel had saved Dean’s life and convinced Sam to let him into it. The two of them make Gabriel’s job a helluva lot harder, but he refuses to force Dean back out onto the road.

Lighting Dean on fire haunts him almost as much as it haunts Dean.

Gabriel leaves him be during the nightmares. He watches Dean, sure, and he intrudes upon them when he needs to be reminded of what he did, of how much pain he caused Dean of which there was no excuse, of how still and haunted Dean was when he left, of how close he was to insanity.

The archangel could have pulled him back from the edge but he didn’t; he had let Dean do that all on his own. He was supposed to love Dean, watch over him and keep him calm and contented, but Dean had made that impossible and Gabriel had crossed a line. If Gabriel could torture himself by tuning into his grace he would, but he doubts strongly that he’d be able to control it.

As Dean’s nightmares increase, Gabriel’s inventiveness decreases.

He starts hanging around the hotel despite Castiel’s and Sam’s angry looks, looks that grow more hateful when they realize that they can’t do a damned thing, can’t make him leave.

Dean ignores him, even when Gabriel is running him into things or lighting him on fire - painlessly and without damage of course - to try to get the both of them past the torture of the first time. He doesn’t even look over at Gabriel, doesn’t lock his door at night or throw an irritated or apologetic look in his direction. His eyes are dull, movements slow and without purpose and he rarely talks anymore, but his soul is still so bright that Gabriel is blinded by it all the time, especially when he doesn’t want to be.

Gabriel can feel Raziel in the background even though the other archangel stays hidden from sight. Gabriel could bring him out, but he doesn’t. Raziel stays with Dean through the long nights and Gabriel watches him and aches when he realizes Dean is somewhat comforted by the other archangel’s presence. He won’t take that away, he’ll do whatever else he wants to do to Dean, but he won’t try to interfere with Dean being comforted over _this_.

Gabriel’s as much of a loudmouth as ever, telling jokes and complaining, trying to get a response out of Dean. Dean remains stubbornly withdrawn throughout it all though, barely eating, barely sleeping, barely taking care of himself. When he looks at Gabriel it’s with dead eyes, and it makes Gabriel angry again.

He stops himself from throwing things at Dean, from screaming at him. He half-thinks that his charge should respond to him and half prays that he doesn’t. Gabriel knows it’s over and he has no idea why he’s prolonging it.

The archangel sighs, snaps his fingers and leaves the room. Dean doesn’t look over if he even registers him at all.

* * *

 

_Our bond... it was never meant to be. I get that now._

Raziel wants to snap Gabriel like a twig when he takes in the broken man Gabriel has made Dean, but he has nowhere near the power.

He cups Dean’s face in his hands and soothes the human with his grace, not letting any retreat inside him; he hasn’t the right for this and he knows it, but it still pains him to deny Dean that extra amount of reassurance he needs. Dean awakens with a start, his eyes snapping open and his upper body surging up off the bed. Raziel holds him in place, his hands retreating from his face when Dean’s eyes show miraculous recognition.

“You shouldn’t be here, Raz,” and Raziel must admit, he has taken a liking to the nickname Dean has granted him, “Gabriel’s gonna be pissed.”

Raziel swallows down a growl, reaching deep down inside and realizing that his vessel is just as distressed over Dean’s condition as he is. He comes back up to the surface and smiles at Dean, “He is of no concern to me. Dean, you must break your bond.”

The human looks up at him, beautiful green eyes so full of sadness. If Raziel could do anything to bring Gabriel back he would, but the two of them are broken beyond repair. “What...? Why?”

Raziel shakes his head and tunes further into his surroundings; he has no idea how to explain to Dean what he feels so strongly is about to happen. Not feeling Gabriel is worrying, and he will not leave Dean alone while he is plagued by this worry. “Do you trust me, Dean?”

“I...,” Dean seems to lose himself for a minute, but then he finally finishes, “I do.”

“And I trust you. I cherish the friendship we have created between us, Dean. You are the only friend I have ever had and I wish to help you.”

“How?” Dean asks and Raziel wants to say so many things, so many things that might once more put a smile on the human’s face and have him feeling safe and warm and at home again. He wants Dean to stop stumbling around like a zombie, wants him to _live_ again. This is dangerous, Michael could be watching him right now and Raziel would have no excuse to give him. He is supposed to make sure this happens, but Dean seems near death already and Gabriel has only suppressed their bond.

Dean will die if he doesn’t first break their bond, if he doesn’t first consent.

He will die and be no more.

Dean curls in on himself before Raziel can collect his thoughts and he hones in to Dean hiding his face, holding back sobs and a whimper that escapes nonetheless. He stares at the human curiously and with dread, wrapping his arms around him unconsciously. It’s starting... it’s starting already. “Dean....” There is no answer but Dean’s long-drawn out groan, fingers digging into the arms of his vessel, hands trying to pull away but Raziel merely holds him.

He won’t let Dean _die_ like this, won’t let him die _period_.

“Dean, please.”

_And you still have more of my grace left inside you. Let’s do something to fix that._

Dean opens his mouth to scream, opens his mouth to beg, to do god knows what, but he can feel Gabriel exit his mind for the last time and he knows it’s a lost cause. Raziel told him to break the bond but he won’t, he _can’t_.

The second Dean feels Gabriel leave pain assaults him, leaving him hunched over and breathless. He tries to hide from it, tries to deny it like the pathetic, worthless person he is, but there is no running away from it. It’s a fire in him that ripples outward, that burns through every inch of him, leaving no part untouched. There is something worse than the pain though and that’s the feeling of hopelessness. He never had it before, not even when Gabriel hated him enough to light him on fire. It hadn’t lasted for long and Dean is no closer to knowing what had made Gabriel retreat, surely not sympathy he didn’t possess, but even then he had a spark of hope.

Now there’s nothing left.

Through the pain he tries his best to hone in on the source of it, and a wave of panic washes over him when he pinpoints it. Gabriel’s grace... Dean had begged the archangel to leave the small bit of grace still left inside him, since he had drawn hope and life and _Gabriel_ from it even given its minuscule amount.

Gabriel doesn’t care though, he’s ripping it out of Dean now with no remorse, slowly, excruciatingly.

_Congratulations, Gabriel. You’ve won._

Raziel is holding him and shaking him slightly and his mouth is open and he’s talking, words that Dean first can’t comprehend and then can’t hear. Through the mess of his head he searches everywhere for Gabriel, knowing he’ll never find him but also knowing he still loves him, that Gabriel is his family, the one he was meant to be with. Even with Gabriel’s cruelty he will never forget his love or his compassion, his good-natured laugh and the way he would flirt with Dean so effortlessly.

Even in death no one will be able to take that away.

He doesn’t know when he starts screaming, only knows that he wants it to end, wants a dozen and a half drinks to take the pain away and to make him forget who he is, who he was, who he’ll never hope to be.

His only regret is not being able to make Gabriel _see_.

Raziel pulls Dean’s head up and positions him on the edge of the bed, holding his head over the side and above the floor while he vomits a dizzying amount of blood. Raziel’s still holding him and waiting for it to end - waging a war with himself against trying to get to Dean’s soul or holding his grace back and leaving Dean be - when Sam opens the door and rushes inside. Before he knows it Dean’s younger brother is taking Dean from him, holding him, trying to get him to respond.

Horror struck, Raziel stares at the both of them, taking in Dean’s mangled body as he starts seizing. Sam pulls back slightly, seeming to know what he’s doing, but he remains close to Dean and so does Raziel. When it’s finally over Dean has stopped screaming, stopped _moving_ , but blood seeps sluggishly from his eyes, ears and nose and it’s still exiting his mouth at an alarming rate. He coughs, starting to choke on his own blood and Sam lifts him up, looking at a loss as to what to do.

There’s nothing that can be done, nothing that can stop this unless Dean or Gabriel wills it to be so.

It will all stop if Dean agrees, if Dean consents. He won’t though, there’s something in Raziel that knows he won’t.

Sam is tipping Dean forward and Raziel has his arms outstretched waiting to take the human, not knowing how he can help but desperately wanting to do something. He can read the hate in Sam’s eyes but he doesn’t push him away, doesn’t try to stop him from being with Dean.

“You have to force him. Force him to consent, Raziel!”

But if there is anything that Raziel will no longer consider doing, it is stripping Dean of his right to choose. He could never force Dean into anything, could never manipulate him like Gabriel has done.

“I cannot,” he tells Sam, heartbroken by the sight before him of one enraged brother holding the dying one. After death, Dean will finally find peace and maybe it will be better that way.

“You love my brother, I know you do. I hate you for it, you and Gabriel both, but you can help him now. He will die if you don’t do this.”

He looks down at Dean’s horrible, bloody form, barely recognizable, and he knows the light is leaving his eyes just as surely as the oxygen is leaving his body. He has spent nearly two months with Dean, with this remarkable man, and he does not wish their time to be over yet. There is still so much he can learn, so much that Dean will be willing to show him. He stares at Dean Winchester, forcing himself not to listen to his vessel’s thoughts on the current war raging inside of him.

And then it all stops.

Dean is covered in blood but he can breathe again, his body slumps in exhaustion back against his brother and Raziel takes his hand, needing to feel some part of him. Dean’s skin is ice cold but Raziel takes comfort in the sluggish beating of his heart; his grace adjusts to beat in time with it, after all. There is something so beautiful and strong about him that Raziel can’t shake, even when he’s like this. He can’t comprehend how Gabriel could ever hurt him, yet he has in some of the worst ways.

Raziel has felt nothing but guilt over allowing himself to kiss Dean, for permitting himself to get so close. What is being inflicted upon him is entirely Raziel’s fault, he has brought Gabriel’s wrath to Dean’s soul.

The human’s soul is wrecked, leaking agony and portraying the severe damage wrought upon its possessor, but it still shines, a beacon of light to give Raziel strength. Sam’s tears spill out onto the bed and trickle down on Dean’s face, and Raziel’s eyes aren’t clear either.

He looks up when Gabriel taints the room with his presence, senses Sam pulling his brother closer and pushing himself back against the headboard. Raziel let’s go of Dean’s hand, gets off the bed and stands up, standing between the archangel and the two humans. Gabriel will have to go through him if he wants to get to Dean, and if he is crushed in the process then so be it.

But Dean is still Gabriel’s charge and he knows the importance of this.

Castiel appears behind Gabriel, exhausted though relieved in some way. Raziel watches him carefully, not understanding until he opens himself up to the emotions running rampant in the room.

“It is alright, Sam.” Castiel steps back to give Gabriel room and suddenly Raziel understands. Dean did not consent, just as he had imagined he wouldn’t; Gabriel had stopped before Dean could perish under the strain placed on his body and soul. Castiel had gotten through to him somehow and Raziel wonders just how he had done it. “No more harm will come to Dean.”

And of course, Sam - who is neither an angel nor has experienced bonding with one - does not understand.

“How can you say that? How am I expected to believe that?” Sam screams, pulling his brother closer and never taking his eyes off of Gabriel. “Don’t come anywhere near him! I’m not letting you take him from me!” He glares at Castiel murderously and turns away from Gabriel when he backs off, tipping his brother’s head up. “Come on, man. You gotta wake up. It’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna make it okay.”

Raziel is suffocated by the emotions in the room, primarily Sam’s - grief and fury and confusion and such genuine _hurt_ \- but especially Gabriel’s. While Sam is wracked by at least a dozen emotions, Gabriel is brought down by only one: guilt. Not even a thousand sayings of the word can give a clear picture, the look in the other archangel’s eyes is enough to make him step aside.

“What are you doing?” Sam accuses him and Raziel shakes his head in warning and _not_ submission.

“Let him go to Dean, Sam.” If he weren’t fully confident that Gabriel wouldn’t hurt Dean, then he would not go through with this. He is sure though; he would stake his entire existence on Gabriel not hurting Dean again.

A part of him thinks it’s over, that Gabriel has finally forgiven Dean and they can start to repair their relationship. But then he knows that it’s not over because Dean is stubborn and he has a right to be, after being hurt greatly, and maybe they will never be ready to have what they had tried so desperately to have. He will help though, if he can. Dean was happy before Raziel walked into their fragile lives, intruding on their highly susceptible to breakage bond.

“I can’t believe all of you,” Sam seethes. “You’re just gonna let him kill Dean, huh? Just cause he’s an archangel? Fuck the three of you.”

“Sam,” Castiel tries again, “you have my word and Gabriel’s word that he will not harm your brother again. If you trust me, then you will believe me. I would never put your brother in harm’s way and I would fight Gabriel, no matter how much more powerful he is than I, if I believed he was a threat to Dean.”

Sam doesn’t know what to say to that. He doesn’t move, continues to hold Dean, but he also doesn’t stop Gabriel from approaching the two of them, doesn’t stop Gabriel from holding out a hand, waiting for Sam to approve. Raziel is shocked by the amount of patience Gabriel is exuding, stunned by his slow, careful movements. He can’t help but notice that he doesn’t look at Dean, yet, but only Sam.

“I give you my word, Sam.” The hand is still there, unmoving, and Sam continues to look at it. “I believed that only one consent was needed, I assumed where I shouldn’t have. If I had known it would affect Dean in this way, I never would have gone through with it. If I wanted Dean dead, I would have done it another way. I thought... I believed he might come back to himself if I dismantled the bond. I was wrong. Let me heal him. Please, Sam.”

“Cas,” Sam starts, glancing down at his brother. “Cas told me what would happen if you messed with the bond.” Sam starts sobbing, holding Dean so tightly it seems as if he’s strangling him. Gabriel has both his hands held in front of him now, taking Sam breaking down as a cue to go for Dean. Sam lets Gabriel take his brother, still sobbing when Castiel comes over to him and tries to soothe him, running a hand through his hair.

Gabriel carries Dean out of the room and into another and Raziel follows. Castiel helped before, now he can help. He watches Gabriel like a hawk despite fully trusting him,watches as he sets Dean on the bed and starts stripping him of his clothes. He looks away, not wanting to intrude on Dean’s dignity.

“What do you need?”

He’s aware that Gabriel can just whip up what he needs, but he hopes he realizes that he wants to help. Gabriel could have thrown him out of the room, slammed him up against a wall or even snapped at him, instead he glances over at Raziel and tells him what he needs, calmly and hurriedly. “Towels, blankets and a change of clothes.”

Raziel exits the room and goes back into the other, barely paying attention to Castiel who continues to hold a sobbing Sam while he finds some clothes for Dean to wear. He thinks of Dean’s comfort and pulls out a shirt of soft material and a pair of loose-fitting sweatpants. In the bathroom he chooses several towels and blankets, then rushes out of the room. He doesn’t want to leave Dean, not after all that’s happened, but he’ll have to, sooner or later.

Gabriel has Dean in the bathtub when he returns with the items, placing the towels on the counter. He watches Gabriel for a few minutes as he meticulously cleans the blood from Dean’s skin, keeping his touch gentle. Raziel’s brow furrows, “Why don’t you just clean him by your own means?”

Gabriel doesn’t look at him, merely focuses on an unconscious Dean. “I’m not able to. If the bond was still in place, yes, or if it had never existed in the first place, but just about breaking it means I can’t do anything until it’s back in place. Dean will have to heal on his own.”

 _Father, please,_ Raziel says, _no more suffering._

He is furious at Gabriel again, furious for doing this to Dean, for saying he can do nothing to help him. This isn’t enough, none of this is _enough._

“I wasn’t lying back there, I didn’t think this would happen. I left because I wanted Dean to be the way he used to be again, before he ever met me. He was happy, so _alive,_ I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. I forgive him, I forgave him before I ever realized it. It’s just... he hurt me, hurt me more than I ever thought possible. And I know,” he looks up at Raziel, begging for his forgiveness, “I know that’s no excuse for what I did, but I will be here with Dean every step of the way and you can’t stop me.”

Raziel lowers his head and holds out a towel, pulling it open but allowing Gabriel to wrap Dean in it. Gabriel makes his way slowly to the bed with Dean in his arms, giving Raziel time to pull back the sheets and throw several more blankets onto the bed. Normally, Raziel would use the added abilities he’s been given as an archangel to perform such simple tasks; however, doing things the human way gives him reassurance and a certain closeness to Dean that he'd rather have than not have. Dean has shown him, in his own way, both the hardships and beauty of being human.

Gabriel tucks the human in after he dresses him in the clean clothes, brushing back his hair. “You can leave now, I need to be with Dean alone.”

“I doubt you are in any position to act upon your desires, Gabriel.” Raziel does start walking away though, wanting to check on Sam and Castiel in the other room. “The door will stay open. If it closes, you will not be allowed to see Dean again.”

He can see Gabriel bite his tongue, takes pride in it, and exits the room.

Now they all just have to wait.

* * *

 

_Why am I still alive?_

Dean’s warm, too warm, and he tries to hone in on his surroundings but he can’t. It feels like he’s on fire and what’s worse is that he has no idea what’s causing it. With a dread he realizes that it’s probably Gabriel, who apparently isn’t quite done with him yet. He hopes it’s not, he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. Gabriel will never love him again, that’s something he knows, but he wishes Gabriel would stop already.

“Sammy?”

There’s a cool hand on his forehead and Dean can feel Gabriel’s grace wrapping itself around him, trying to enter him.

He panics.

Dean tries to move, tries to get out of whatever dazed state he’s in. He has to find Sammy or Cas or even Raz, just someone who will get him the hell out of here. He only succeeds in turning his head to the side, away from Gabriel’s touch and he can hear the archangel growl. He waits to see what Gabriel will do, what further punishment he’ll inflict on him. He curses himself for getting involved with an archangel in the first place, and then having the great freaking idea to piss him off.

There is silence though after that growl, as if Gabriel is focusing all his energy on transferring his own grace back into Dean's body, then working its way deeper until it winds around his soul like cotton candy, like a surprisingly warm blanket. And then Gabriel will rip it out again, that much Dean remembers. He remembers the pain too, the pain that soon enough became everything he was. Raz had warned him, told him that Gabriel would do this.

He didn’t want to consent, hadn’t wanted the bond to be broken, not completely anyway. He still loves Gabriel, remembers their short yet happy days together, and he hadn’t wanted them to become null and void.

But now they are, and now the bond is broken and it still isn’t enough for Gabriel. Dean never should have kissed Raz, should have known better... should have pulled away. What they had is over but what Gabriel is doing to him will never be over.

Consenting would have meant that he never loved Gabriel, doesn’t Gabriel know that?

* * *

 

_Sorry about this, kiddo._

Dean is screaming inside, shouting out for release and sobbing. It’s a brutal contrast to when he lit Dean on fire in order to serve his own sick fantasies, but then again Gabriel hadn’t stuck around for the aftermath. The pain now has to rival the fire, of course. Dean still hadn’t completely accepted their bond before he went off and betrayed Gabriel, which was why he wasn’t in tune to Gabriel’s intentions and had no way to protect himself. If Gabriel hadn’t pushed him so hard then they wouldn’t be here, then Dean wouldn’t be in anywhere near as much pain.

Gabriel’s grace goes berserk at what his mate has been reduced to, reaching outward with such force in order to heal him. Gabriel needs to go slow, and imagining his mate in even more pain causes him to get his head together and focus intently on bringing his grace back into Dean’s body piece by piece and not all at once.

He’s already caused nearly permanent damage, ripping the remaining grace out of Dean only a few short hours ago. He shouldn’t have been so selfish and should have paid attention to what he was doing. He had stupidly assumed that only one needed to be in consent and that, if it were the other way around, that Dean would end up going through with it anyway. There was no need for Dean to keep himself in pain, to risk killing himself just because he was stubborn in a way that Gabriel had never expected.

Now there’s nothing to do but wait until Dean accepts his grace and Gabriel hates it but he’s willing to do it. He loves Dean, more than he’s ever loved anyone before and he will _not_ give up on him again, no matter how angry or jealous he may still be.

He’s proud of himself for not snapping at Raziel, for not attempting to smite him right on the spot, and he’s also proud of himself for maintaining control around Dean. He’s the only one who can heal him now, and he’s not going to fuck it up.

_Dean, listen to me._

Even as Gabriel says it he knows it’s a lost cause; Dean has no further reason to trust him and he doesn’t blame him for it. He has royally fucked up in every way imaginable and as far as he’s concerned, he doesn’t deserve Dean, maybe never has.

Dean resists the pull just like Gabriel knew he would. Gabriel, however, is nothing if not strong and stubborn, and he keeps on pushing Dean to let him in until his barriers are broken down and Gabriel is given entrance. It’s a lot like the first time, but this time Gabriel works faster and doesn’t give Dean much time to adjust. If he doesn’t hurry then Dean won’t make it, just wither away in this bed, in this room, and Dean’ll fall into a coma and he won’t wake up again, not with any amount of pleading or healing. Sure, he needs to give Dean some time to take in a vast amount of his grace, in order to fully heal him and rebuild the bond, but he can’t afford time for this.

Gabriel takes his time and goes slowly as he feels around for the remaining grace inside Dean. There’s hardly any left, just a small spark, but Gabriel reaches for it and reconnects with it, rubbing it until it’s warm again and then feeding it more. Dean is still resisting with every second that ticks by, writhing and moaning in pain, emitting loud whimpers so unlike him that shatter Gabriel’s eardrums and that make him feel dizzy and nauseous.

He can comfort Dean later, now he needs to _act._

He floods Dean with his grace, but he keeps it in check and makes sure it’s not too much for Dean to handle. Dean is screaming again, lost in his head, but Gabriel hushes him and quickly recreates the link between their thoughts, praising Dean for being strong and pleading with him to give in, to make the transition easier on him. He won’t do it though, and Gabriel sighs and watches as the pain finally reaches a new climax and Dean blacks out.

The scene has Gabriel shaking in terror and exhaustion but he goes on, slowing the flow of his grace slightly, pushing it deeper and deeper until it hesitantly wraps around Dean’s soul, healing the deep bruises there.

It’s a long, dark road ahead that the archangel is nowhere near prepared for.

* * *

 

_Earlier —_

_You won’t will it back, I promise you that. Neither of us will._

Gabriel has blackened out their link so he is oblivious to Dean’s thoughts. He has flown to some remote part of the world, his back turned to Dean, to everything that Dean ever was and ever could have been to him. He doesn’t want to hurt Dean anymore, and doing away with their bond like it was never there in the first place might make Gabriel forget, or forget enough to care.

The voice in the back of his mind, or rather, his grace keeps on telling him that it’s not likely. He doesn’t care, he has to try anyway.

The tell-tale sound of wings assaults his ears, intruding on the serene silence around him and he has no time to deal with this now. He has to focus, focus on taking his grace back, focus on leaving Dean forever.

“Gabriel, stop it.”

The voice is powerful and deadly serious and when the fuck did Castiel ever believe he could control him? “You need to leave now, Cassie. Before I get angry.”

Castiel doesn’t listen, he only steps closer until he is directly behind Gabriel, eyes seeming to bore a hole into his back. “You don’t know what you’re doing. There is another way.”

Gabriel snaps, “What? Leave the bond be, pretend it isn’t there?”

Castiel sighs deeply, placing a hand on his back. Gabriel shrugs it away and Castiel steps closer, pulls himself forward so that he is now in front of Gabriel, eyes pleading. Gabriel stares at him curiously; something isn’t right. “Give yourself another chance.”

“Another chance to what? Hurt Dean again?” He feels physically sick each time he remembers those days he shared with Dean, the days of pain and torture and emotional manipulation. He had no right to put Dean through that, no matter how furious or disgusted he may have been. He can feel the heat of the fire and he forces himself to relive it over and over because Dean has to, because he has no control over it....

The angel whom he helped raise in heaven smiles sadly at him. They have too much history between them, and Gabriel suspects that it is because of this that Castiel is even giving him a chance at all. He tries to ignore the pity but he wants it, as selfish as he’s been he _wants_ it.

“I know you didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Gabriel turns away, there is nothing left for him here. He never should have gotten himself involved in the lives of humans in the first place, not when so much was at stake, not when so much could be broken and _was_ broken. “And what if I did?”

“Listen to me, Gabriel.” Castiel’s voice is a command again. “What you’re doing right now, you need to stop. You’re killing Dean.”

“He’s already dead, or close to it, anyway. That’s why I’m doing this.” He blocks Castiel, who’s trying to reach inside his mind, trying to make Gabriel see whatever he wants him to see. Gabriel focuses on the small bit of grace inside Dean again, takes hold of it and starts tearing it out. He spends the remainder of his energy blocking Dean, but something is wrong.

Something is definitely _wrong_.

“Stop it, Gabriel.” Castiel tries harder, tries to worm his way inside and Gabriel is left overwhelmed, not sure where to turn, not sure what matters anymore. “Listen to me, you are killing Dean! You need to stop! You are killing him!” His voice rises until it’s all Gabriel can hear, until he loses it and something in him slips and he can hear Dean screaming, can feel the heat and taste the grief and the pain and the betrayal.

_No... No, not like this...._

Gabriel puts his head in his hands quickly and stops, feels the grace in him that was just in Dean bleed and bleed until he can taste it in the back of his mouth. Castiel is still there, staring at him, _judging him_.

The angel sighs again and reluctantly lays a hand on Gabriel’s back. “I know more about the bond than you believed it so, Gabriel. Raziel apparently knows a great deal, he has informed me of the... unfortunate side effects.”

The archangel shakes his head, Dean’s screams still echoing throughout his head, sending his grace into overdrive. Thoughts swarm around his head, all begging for careful consideration, and eventually he latches onto one and his mouth opens in horror. “Michael.”

Castiel nods sadly, “I am afraid so, brother.”

Gabriel turns around, knowing he needs to make his way to Dean soon, to see the effect of his reckless, cold-hearted actions, but he can’t help but think about Raziel’s betrayal. “He’s been playing us all along, playing Dean all along. Fuck, Cas, what have I done?”

“It’s not too late, Gabriel. You can still recreate the bond, save Dean’s life. Give him and yourself another chance.”

Gabriel nods, thinking it through for a minute before deciding that Dean comes first, before everything else. Dean is still his charge and he knows that’s one thing he’ll never be able to change. If his loyalty doesn’t lie with the human then where does it lie? He was meant to be with Dean all along, he knows that now, that’s why Dean was assigned to him, that’s why the perfect circumstances were constructed so Gabriel could accidentally lose control and bond with him.

Dean is _his_ and he is _Dean’s._

Gabriel goes back to _Dean._

* * *

 

_Present time —_

_I should be dead._

The bond is back in place, Dean knows that much, but Gabriel is no longer in the room with him.

“I need to leave, Dean. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

Dean stares at Raziel carefully and nods. He wants to tell him that he can’t leave, can’t leave while Gabriel is no doubt hanging around, but he can’t force Raziel to stay and he knows it. Raziel’s already done too much for him, saved his life more than once and warned him and been there for him as a friend every step of the way. Dean should want Raziel gone after realizing how toxic they are together, after Raziel tried and ultimately succeeded in intruding on the bond shared between him and Gabriel.

He doesn’t hate Raz though, he could _never_ hate him.

“Gabriel hates my guts,” he says before he can stop himself. Gabriel rebuilt the bond just to save his sorry ass, just to torture himself with having Dean as his bond-mate all over again. Dean knows he’s no good, knows he poisons everything and everyone that comes near him, knows he’ll just be dragging Gabriel in the muck alongside him until he dies.

Raziel starts, moving to tug the blanket up onto Dean again but then stopping his movements. “He doesn’t hate you, Dean.”

“He does, he can’t even get rid of me.”

Raziel stays silent for a short while after that and Dean hates that Raziel feels like he can’t leave, can’t leave because he’s being stupid and he’s about to break down and cry and beg for death because he _cannot_ accept this bond again.

Dean shakes his head clear, “Thanks, man, for everything. Even for fucking me up.”

Raziel smiles at him and Dean can feel his grace gently stroking along Gabriel’s, as if to make sure everything is intact. Dean smiles back because he feels so broken down and he doesn’t know what else to do. He hopes Raziel stays safe, hopes he comes back someday, but Dean usually fucks everything up so he can’t hope for anything at this point.

“I would say that I’d miss you and all, but I’m _really_ not in the mood for a chick flick moment.”

Raziel smiles again, wider this time, but there’s also a sad look in his eyes. “Understandable. But if it makes any difference, I will miss you too. You mean... quite a lot to me, Dean Winchester. You have taught me much and for that I am grateful.” Dean opens his mouth to say something, but he relaxes back into the bed in relief when Raziel disappears, realizing he had no idea what he should say.

He drifts off for a while, not quite sleeping but definitely not awake either. Gabriel shows up again sooner than he’d like, new grace pulsating along with what’s already been pumped into his poisonous veins. Dean’s still tired, so damn tired and he knows he can’t fight this, not with Gabriel being as determined and freaking stubborn as he is. They’re too alike for it to be healthy, Dean knows exactly what Gabriel’s prone to do next.

He closes his eyes and lays still, letting Gabriel do to him what he will; he sees no other option.

“I know you’re awake, Dean. I’m surprised you’re not putting up much of a fight.” Dean merely closes his eyes tighter and makes a half-assed attempt at blocking Gabriel’s grace. Gabriel lets him, as if it’s all a huge joke or something. Dean just wishes he would leave him now. He was so close to dying and then he had to be brought back, what was the fucking point?

There’s a sad look on Gabriel’s face and Dean knows Gabriel just read his thoughts. He tries to close off his mind, but the archangel doesn’t let him and pushes in deeper, as if trying to comfort him or something.

They should be _way_ past all of this.

“Fuck you, Gabriel.”

Gabriel, apparently, doesn’t want to though. Instead he shakes his head and climbs up onto the bed instead. Dean is lying flat on his back, pillows lining the bed and the floor as if he’ll try to kill himself by diving out of bed. He rolls his eyes at that thought and turns his head away; he’s already tried to turn on his side and it’s just not happening, all it does is send a shooting bolt of pain through his back and head.

The archangel, whom Dean can’t look at, whom he still stupidly loves but definitely can’t ever let it show again, sighs and watches him intently. Dean still doesn’t look in his direction. “Roll onto your front.”

“Don’t think I can, Gab...,” he cuts himself off and bites his tongue, not wanting to use his name again. It reminds him too much of a time that maybe never was in the first place.

Gabriel curses under his breath, surprising Dean, “Right, I’m sorry. Will you let me?” Dean’s even more surprised that Gabriel’s asking him for permission; he certainly didn’t before he rebuilt a bond that maybe never should have been there in the first place.

Dean snorts, “Do I have a choice with you?”

Gabriel shrugs, “You do on this. I was just going to make you bendy again. Your body’s still in shock, that’s why it doesn’t want to move how you want it to. But you can say no.”

Dean closes his eyes, he feels hot again and with the sweat dripping down his face he knows he’s not just imagining it. “Okay.”

The archangel quirks an eyebrow, “Okay what?”

He clears his throat, “Okay, you can help me. I’d like to be able to move again.” _So I can crawl out of bed and get the fuck out of here. So I can at least have a fighting chance against you._

He can feel Gabriel staring at him intently again and he tries his hardest not to look at him. Easy to say but not so easy to do. Looking into his eyes would mean giving in though, right? At least, that’s how Dean looks at it. He starts sweating more under Gabriel’s gaze, wanting him to just get on with it already. What else does he need, Dean’s blessing?

“Will you look at me first?” Dean doesn’t say anything, just looks really _really_ hard at the ceiling, pretending that he’s seeing something completely interesting and not just looking at splotched paint. “You can say no to that too.” The only way he can do it is fast, before he can let himself say no, so that’s what Dean does, his eyes move so fast that he gets dizzy. Gabriel is looking at him with those huge amber eyes, the very same eyes that Dean would wake up to in the morning, the eyes that would hold him so tightly that Dean didn’t think he ever wanted to be let go.

The look in those eyes was always meant for him and solely him; he never doubted that for a second.

Gabriel’s mouth quirks upward into a smile and Dean quickly looks away. He can’t deal with that, can’t deal with Gabriel being happy around him. It’s like nothing between them changed at all. He’s not ready for this.

“Thank you, Dean,” Gabriel says just before he wraps his arms around Dean’s fragile body and starts to turn him over. Gabriel tries for the quick and get it over with route, but it doesn’t work and Dean ends up eliciting a pained whimper, causing Gabriel to halt his movement, press a kiss to Dean’s forehead and wait for him to pull himself together. Dean does but not completely, his guards are down way too much and he can’t expect himself not to start crying.

Fucking embarrassing.

“Relax, Dean.” Gabriel digs his hands into Dean’s back, loosening the bunched up muscles there, taking his time and never taking his eyes off of Dean. The human can feel those soft, careful eyes sweep over his body in love and longing and dammit if it doesn’t make him want to turn over and kiss the archangel senseless. Dean’s still shaking slightly but it doesn’t last for long, not with Gabriel’s magic hands. He eventually drifts off to real sleep, sleep where he isn’t disturbed and where he wallows in dreams of him and Gabriel.

It’ll never be like it was.

Gabriel watches over Dean while he sleeps and rides through the remainder of his fever. There isn’t much that the archangel can do for him, other than continue to reconstruct their bond and hope that the added grace will help cool Dean down some as well as soothe him. He seems to be well out of the danger zone and Gabriel could easily stop the grace transfer with no further worries, but he doesn’t want to.

He wants to make Dean feel good again, and that means giving him as much of his grace as he can part with. Really, Gabriel can survive with nearly none, that’s what he’s figured out being bonded means; as long as he can still access it in Dean he’s still an angel. His abilities will be greatly diminished, but he’s willing to brush that fact aside.

He was meaning to deal with Raziel as soon as Dean was okay again; well, at least physically okay, but it seems like he disappeared again and he’s mostly angry at himself rather than at Raziel: for not trusting Dean, for believing Raziel wanted his mate and vice versa, but he’s also not pissed enough to go after the archangel.

He hadn’t hurt Dean in any way, after all, had only been there for him when Gabriel wasn’t.

It makes Gabriel _sick_ , to know he wasn’t there.

* * *

 

_Take your time, don’t freak out._

Dean feels someone’s fingers running through his hair and he jumps when he realizes who those fingers belong to and specifically that Gabriel is spooning him. He makes a move to get up and leave, already feeling his limbs respond, not knowing what the hell is going on, but Gabriel holds him down gently and gets up instead. Dean watches him carefully, unsure if he’ll throw a tantrum or just leave. Maybe Dean would rather have the tantrum, since it might give them a chance to begin clearing up all the shit there is between them.

“I’ll leave, Dean. You need to stay in that bed and rest.”

Gabriel slips his jacket on, giving Dean time but yet he can’t get the words out. The nickname comes to his lips, unbidden, almost as if it was never suppressed in the first place, “Gabe....”

“It’s okay,” and Dean relaxes almost entirely at his soothing voice. Gabriel isn’t expecting anything from him right now. “I’m just glad you’re feeling better, kiddo.” The term of affection is not lost on Dean and neither is the archangel ruffling his hair, which Dean doesn’t lean into - wants to lean into - but doesn’t pull away from either.

“Wait,” he tries again, despite not wanting to ruin Gabriel’s ease with the way things are currently. “Thank you.”

He smiles, a warm smile to match his incredibly warm eyes, a smile that Dean knows isn’t a lie. “Happy I could help.”

Gabriel hurriedly leaves after that, and Dean feels terrible about everything all at once. He puts his head in his hands, as if that’ll stop the flood of tears about to gush out.

* * *

 

_Dean is healing quicker than I had imagined. I always forget how frail humans are, it is why you have always stated that our kind cannot mix with theirs. I believe that Gabriel has finally learned what forgiveness truly means, as well as the blessings of humility and patience. They have both wronged each other, Father, but yet I believe that they are meant to be. If there is hope for me and my well-thought words, then there is hope for them._

Watching Dean from afar is something that Raziel does not like, that is how close he has grown to the human in such a short amount of time. If anyone can teach him all there is to know about humanity it’s Dean: strong, stubborn and beautiful, who cares about everyone else before himself, whether it be Gabriel, even after all he’s done, or Raziel, who’s surprised when Dean shows the slightest bit of acknowledgment towards him.

Dean doesn’t deserve to have Michael take him over, to erase him completely and to use his body to destroy the very world that Dean has grown up in and lived in, the world that Dean has fought to protect. If it happens then what Dean did will mean nothing.

_How can I allow this to happen? I must stop Michael, and Lucifer when I find him. If anything happens to Dean or Sam, I’ll never forgive myself._

Michael arrives later than expected and angrier than usual. The anger is to be expected, now that his plans have become null and void. It’s strange really, the vessel designed specifically for Michael houses the soul that Gabriel has bonded to. It is no longer as simple as forcing Dean to say yes, Michael must first get him to consent to breaking the bond he shares with Gabriel, and Gabriel will most likely not be consenting the second time around.

Raziel steps forward, “The bond cannot be broken, Michael. Not without killing Dean, not without his consent.”

“It’s what I expected.”

Raziel has to tamper down a growl at his words. He should have taken Gabriel to Michael, he shouldn’t have let him hurt Dean like he did. The fact that Michael is claiming he knew the bond couldn’t be broken so easily only causes Raziel to worry more: what are his true intentions?

“You were so close to convincing Dean,” Michael smirks. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I knew he could not be convinced. He loves Gabriel.” And Gabriel loves him, even though they’ve proved to be a lethal combination. Raziel doesn’t want to get in the way of that, not by loving Dean so much it clouds his rationality, not by obeying Michael and manipulating Dean - who trusts him - into consenting. His one uncertainty is whether going back to them is the right option, telling them what he knows and helping them come up with some way to trap Michael.

Or is it a lost cause? Should Raziel whisk everyone away so that Michael can’t find them? Improbable, and it still leaves Lucifer unaccounted for.

“Well,” Michael shakes his head in disgust and it chills Raziel. He knows Gabriel’s story, bits and pieces of it, and he finds it remarkable that he has fallen for a human even without the influence of the bond. It’s the farthest thing from disgust for Raziel, it’s beautiful that Gabriel can think of and care for something outside himself and his own brothers. “Gabriel was always weak. He has always known that Dean is my true vessel and yet he couldn’t stay away. Now he’ll pay for his own stupidity.”

And if Raziel thought that Michael was the only problem, he couldn’t be more wrong. Lucifer will be showing up anytime now, using his own devices to convince Sam to say yes and if he does say yes, Dean will be devastated and will never be the same again. He, Gabriel and Castiel may not be enough.

They have to be.

“You’re wondering if I still have a plan, and yes, I do.” Raziel fights down a shiver at Michael’s tone, at his dark brown eyes that seem like the darkest abyss imaginable. How can Michael wreak chaos on humanity, on those his Father loves? He has lost sight just as Lucifer has with their Father absent. Raziel wonders how he could have ever believed in such a dark gaze and tragic vision of the future. “You will tell Dean that he can say yes or die. Gabriel will hardly allow for the latter.”

 _Or the former, given how possessive he is of Dean_.

He simply responds, “Yes, Michael.”

He will go back, after all.


	10. Old Lights and New Colors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Chapter title and lyrics are from Katatonia’s ‘Burn the Remembrance.’

_~In the emptiness behind you, I will walk about_

_Surely you’ll miss me_

_But long live the doubt~_

* * *

 

_This is beginning to get old, but it’s still a helluva lotta fun._

“Fuck, Gabriel!” Sam practically screams, pushing his plate loudly across the table and giving the archangel a death glare that doesn’t phase him a bit. “You light my brother on fire one more time and you are _dead._ ”

Gabriel snaps his fingers and the flames go out slowly, taunting Sam. He grins at the sight of the younger Winchester brother standing up quickly and checking his big brother over, hovering over him and causing Dean to swat his intrusive hands away. Truth be told, Gabriel can grin and smirk all he wants but he really just wants this nightmare to be over. He has to stop the nightmares in some way, and while he could just snap his fingers to make them dissipate, he’d rather ease Dean in other ways. That, and snapping them away would do nothing to solve the source.

“It’s okay, Sam.” Dean’s words are an echo of the ones trapped in Gabriel’s head. “It doesn’t hurt, not like last time.” His voice is hollow, reflecting how genuinely depressed Dean still is, even with Gabriel’s grace pulsating through him. Gabriel’s just trying to lighten him up a little, make him laugh, it’s the only way he knows how to bring his human back.

Gabriel’s sticking to little things, with the fire being the most complicated. Dean’s right, it doesn’t hurt - not even a tingle, which Gabriel wouldn’t dare give him - and he hopes that Dean understands what he’s trying to do, that he’s trying to show Dean that he can trust him. That he’s attempting in the best way possible to cover up bad memories. He’s replaced his shaving cream with whipped cream, pulled the chair out from underneath Dean’s ass when he was attempting to sit down, and even messed with his shampoo so now his hair has a distinctive green tinge to it.

It’s all in good fun, and maybe it’s just because Dean’s still tired that he isn’t responding.

Sam only hovers more at Dean’s words and Gabriel bites his tongue, praying for Dean to say nothing of those days. “The last time?” His eyebrow furrows in concern and Gabriel almost wants to roll his eyes at Sam’s pleading, puppy dog eyes that are supposed to bring forth some sort of admission. “Dean, what are you talking about?”

“Your brother needs to lay down, Sam.”

Sam shoots him another murderous glance; obviously he knows something is up. “Screw you, Gabriel. You don’t control him anymore. I never should have let you into our lives in the first place, regardless of what Dean wanted.” _And here we go again. I should have known Sam was never gonna like me._

“Guys,” Dean speaks up. “I'm right here.”

Sam draws his gaze back down to Dean. “Yeah, Dean, you are. But he’s trying to take you away from me.”

“No, he isn’t, Sam,” Dean insists tiredly and Sam’s eyes go wide, his expression turning indignant. Before he can protest, Dean relents, “I am really tired actually.” He runs a hand over his too pale face, eyes clouded and lids drooping. Gabriel wants to wrap him up in his wings, for all the good that’ll do, but he knows Dean isn’t ready for that. He knows Dean wants something to happen after hearing him cry practically every night, but Gabriel doesn’t know whether to act or wait for Dean to.

Gabriel says, “See?”

“Fine,” Sam pouts, but he points at Gabriel accusingly. “But _you_ can stay here.”

Gabriel opens his mouth to protest but then he looks over at Dean and notices just how drained he is. Gabriel closes his mouth as quickly as he opened it, nodding at his mate and watching him as he retreats back into his bedroom. His grace is pushing him to knock Sam out and go to Dean, but he has to make friends with Sam if he’ll ever hope to gain back Dean’s trust.

“Seriously, Gabriel.” Sam asks, “Why are you still hanging around?”

Gabriel sighs dramatically, flopping down in a chair and putting his feet up on the coffee table, showing how unconcerned he is when really all he’s concerned about is Dean’s state of mind. “Well, Samsquatch, nothing’s really gonna change the fact that my brothers are after me and bunking here is still the safest place to be. At least I’m not quite as outnumbered with you guys here.”

Castiel enters the room as soon as he notices Sam’s alone with the archangel, who is capable of doing anything. He shoots Gabriel a death glare - really, Gabriel _cannot_ catch a break today - and stands next to Sam protectively.

Gabriel’s lips twitch in amusement, “Never thought you would hook up with a human of your own, Cassie.”

“Gabriel,” Castiel warns.

“Easy,” he lifts his hands up in the air in mock surrender, taking note that Sam is two seconds away from killing him and not caring in the slightest. “I have nothing against you two lovebirds. You are sorta sweet together, and if anyone’s gonna be rooting for you then it’s gonna be me.” Not that Cas actually stands a chance against Lucifer, but at least Sam has someone who will look after him. By the way, he really shouldn’t be leaving Dean alone right now. “Well, I’m gonna go see what Deanie’s up to. Catch you guys later.”

He vanishes from the room and appears in Dean’s own before anymore hateful words can be thrown at him. Seriously, he knows he’s made mistakes. Hasn’t everyone? But that doesn’t mean they’re gonna get him to leave Dean alone.

Gabriel scoots in between Dean’s slightly outspread legs on the bed but Dean closes them almost immediately. He sighs and shoves a lollipop in his mouth in distress. “Since it doesn’t seem like you want me to give you the best blow job of your life, can we at least snuggle?” _One out of two, I can deal with that._ He grins when Dean finally looks at him and then makes sure he can see the pout on his face.

“Fine, just don’t hog the covers.”

Gabriel lights up in glee and burrows under the sheets, pulling Dean back against him before he can even think about going back on his offer and moving away. They lay there - _together_ \- for a while even though it’s already noontime and Dean’s stomach is growling. Gabriel’s grace continues to reconfigure itself in Dean’s recovering body, which is why he’s giving them both a break right now and not nudging Dean with his grace or forcing him to take in more.

“You don’t have to try so hard, you know. I just need time.”

“I know,” Gabriel quickly responds, even though he doesn’t. Maybe he thought Dean wanted nothing to do with him, maybe he thought that Dean did but just didn’t want to admit to it. This is too much too soon, even Gabriel knows that, but he can still hope. “It doesn’t matter to me, as long as we can still do this.”

Dean snorts, “You are such a freak, you know that, right?”

Gabriel shrugs, leans down and blows a raspberry into Dean’s belly when his stomach rumbles again, laughing when Dean tries to squirm away. “Only for you, babe. Only for you.”

* * *

 

_It was bound to happen sooner or later._

Sam wakes them all up in the middle of the night, announcing that Lucifer has finally come to him, trying to make Sam see his way. Cas comforted him for a while but then ended up leaving to do hell knows what. Sam had burst into Dean’s room in his panicked state and Dean had jerked awake and tried to calm him down. Gabriel was pissed, but he could hardly argue with the whole thing.

It was all happening too fast for his liking.

Raziel, apparently, heard the news and joined them in the living room, first confronting Dean in the kitchen where he was making hot chocolate for everyone, as if trying to lure Sam back to his childhood. Gabriel was pissed about Raziel showing up too, but he pulled the blanket covering Sam’s shoulders tighter, gave Sam a small smile and decided to hear Raziel out. They could use some ideas and as well as Gabriel knew his brother, he hadn’t seen him in ages and wanted news of him.

Well, that and Dean threatened to never have sex with him again if he tried to hurt Raziel. Couldn’t really argue with that.

Raziel tells them everything, tells them that he was sent to Dean to gain his trust and convince him to say yes, but that he was never certain he was going to do that in the first place. He claims he doesn’t believe in the apocalypse and that the more he got to know Dean, or rather, _kiss_ Dean, the more he wanted to help.

Dean’s quiet through the whole thing and Sam seems understanding, or maybe it’s just because he’s more desperate than anyone, having Lucifer himself want to claim him as his rightful vessel. But Gabriel has to admit that by the end of this long speech, he does feel better about Raziel. He still wants to strangle him, but now it’s just this burning need in the back of his mind and not at the forefront of everything else.

“There is a way to trap Lucifer,” Gabriel spits out when Raziel finishes, and all eyes float towards him.

Dean seems angry, though Gabriel’s excuse is that they really haven’t had time for anything, especially the looming apocalypse, which he’s also positive they’d rather just forget about. “What? Why the hell haven’t you mentioned this before?”

“Because I didn’t want to,” Gabriel states, crossing his arms over his chest, knowing he’s being completely unreasonable but not caring. “And it’s not exactly likely to work.” It’s a plan that most likely one or more of them won’t be coming back from, and he hardly thinks Dean would agree to it. No, absolutely _will not_ agree to it.

“Then why are you offering it now?” Sam’s exhausted voice echoes throughout the living room and Gabriel knows without a doubt that Sam would agree, that Dean will kill him for even mentioning this in the first place.

“Because I don’t hear anyone else coming up with any plans.”

“That’s because we don’t know anything about your brothers,” Dean argues. “If you ever actually _told_ us anything then maybe I’d have an idea or two.”

“Well,” Gabriel snaps at him before realizing it, “maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I’d rather not talk about my past, just as you don’t seem to want to.” As far as he’s concerned his past is not a subject up for discussion, maybe his days of being a trickster, but his memories of heaven and earlier days with his brothers aren’t something he even likes to think about, let alone talk about.

“The past is a relevant issue here, Gabe. Primarily _yours_.”

He rolls his eyes but knows he needs to budge on this; it’s a way to get Dean to trust him for sure. “You remember those rings you collected, the ones that belong to the four horsemen?” He waits for a response but doesn’t get one, not even from Dean. He continues on, “Well, turns out you can connect them and create a door straight to the Cage, where you can trap Lucifer and Michael. The thing is, kiddos, it’ll only work if you can actually trick them into it. Which, by the way, won’t work. I know my brothers well enough to know that they’re not stupid, not to mention that Lucifer definitely knows about the rings. You could go after the two rings you haven’t gotten yet, sure, but the only way this is gonna work is if Sam says yes to Lucifer and throws him into the Cage himself.”

Dean’s head snaps up and over to his brother, “No way, Sam. Not happening.”

Sam doesn’t say anything but no doubt Dean, in addition to Gabriel, can see the thoughts warring in his head. Sam will agree to this, no matter what Dean has to say. Gabriel is very skeptical as to Sam actually being strong enough to gain control once Lucifer has claimed him as his rightful vessel, but he likes to think he’s part of the Winchester family and that means having faith. Sam’s a lot stronger than he looks.

Dean sighs and gives Gabriel a pleading glance; Gabriel doesn’t know what exactly he’s pleading for, but he has a few ideas. “We’ll at least go get the rings, then we’ll figure out how to trap Lucifer. That’s the best I’m offering but, Sam...? You are not doing anything unless I give you the go ahead. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” Sam says quickly, already standing up. “Where to next?”

Gabriel agrees to go after Pestilence while Dean agrees to take Death. To be honest, Gabriel doesn’t feel too good about it, but he also knows that Dean is not going to budge on this one. Death is infinitely more dangerous than Pestilence, but there’s also a small chance that he’ll be sympathetic towards the Winchester boys, even despite Dean’s total stubbornness, whereas Pestilence will look first to doing away with them.

He at least pleads with Dean to wait so he can go with him, but Dean puts his foot down and says he’d rather go it alone, so Gabriel lets him.

He doesn’t want to tell Dean that there are no other options, doesn’t want to banish the look of hope in his bright hazel eyes. Dean finally seems to be himself again, stubborn and determined, seeing what he wants and working to get it and really, who is Gabriel to put him down? He doesn’t want to tell Dean how freaked out he is, so Gabriel leaves and he thinks about Lucifer and not Dean, thinks about the problem at hand and not the one person he loves so much and can’t afford to lose, not the one person he wants to save from all of this but _can’t_.

Gabriel doesn’t think about Dean this time, if only for the sake of his own sanity.

* * *

 

_I’ll be ready later on, just not now._

Death is a whole helluva lot different than Dean imagined. Really, Dean has bigger things to think about than Death though, even if he did seem surprisingly sympathetic towards Dean’s plight, and even if he did make Dean promise the one thing he could never go through on: letting Sam say yes.

He will say yes before Sam does, there is no doubt of that. If Death doesn’t appreciate his blatant lie then too bad.

When all this shit is over then he can finally focus on Gabriel and their bond again and just generally _them._ But he can’t think about that now and maybe it’s partly because he doesn’t want to face it, maybe this whole apocalypse thing _is_ easier to deal with, is easier to take in than Gabriel’s eyes or his blatant flirting or his absolute certainty that he knows what’s going to happen and Dean doesn’t. Dean has agreed to cut him some slack since Gabriel seems to be really trying and does leave him alone if Dean expresses his desire to be in some way.

Dean still hates the guy: for putting him through all his jealous bullshit; for wanting to break their bond in the first place, even despite all his reasons for doing so; and for acting like all is good and Dean should take him back immediately.

But the whole experience of kissing Raziel forced him to admit that he loves Gabriel. And the whole horrific scene of Dean refusing to agree to break their bond made him realize it again, and it was the final step that Gabriel needed for him to believe it too.

Romance and relationships can be really fucked up sometimes. Sam and Castiel really don’t know how good they have it.

Dean blocks it all out of his mind and concentrates solely on praying to Raziel. He’s never prayed to the archangel before unless subconsciously, but he knows Raziel will respond. That’s the whole _trust_ thing they have between them, and even though Raziel lied to him about his intentions he still trusts him enough to know that he’ll help him to save his brother, Gabriel and Cas.

_Raz, I could use you here right now._

Being bonded to Gabriel means he can feel the grace of any other angel physically near him, Cas and Raziel included. Dean’s not able to draw this grace inside him like he does with Gabriel’s, but he can easily gauge the emotions of the angel and therefore, can read a lie when he sees one. He had known all along that Raziel wasn’t saying some things, but he knew he was always genuine and _good_ , in a sense. In that kiss Dean could read desire and confusion, not falsehoods of any kind.

Maybe thinking about the kiss finally summons him, or maybe Raziel just wants to see what he’s up to. Leaving Raz out of his plans isn’t an option, and throwing him out of his life also isn’t an option.

“Took you long enough.”

Raziel surveys their surroundings before focusing on Dean. He definitely doesn’t hesitate in walking closer to the human, but it’s a friendly gesture and he’s not nearly as close as Castiel gets. Dean’s always gotten the feeling that Raziel knows a lot, being almost as old as Gabriel, and he must be more accustomed to being around humans than Cas is. It saves Dean a lot of trouble.

“I did not believe that you would call me in this manner.” Raziel actually seems disoriented for a second.

“Yeah, well,” Dean kicks a pebble away with his boot, wanting a brief distraction before he hops up on the hood of his baby and looks up at him again. “I need to ask you some things.”

Raziel nods and joins Dean on the hood of the Impala. Silence between them has always been comfortable and Raziel seems like a friend more than anything now, not someone he would ever consider being in love with. Sure, Raz has a lot of good qualities, plus the vessel he’s in is sort of appealing, not that Dean’s closer to admitting he’s bisexual than before he met Gabriel. Raz really is stunning in a completely complicated but just as completely charming way.

He’s gonna shut up now.

Dean sighs deeply and turns toward him, “Tell me what I can do to help Gabriel. You said that Michael was after him and I’m worried that he might....” _Kill him, that he might kill him? Why is that so hard for me to say?_ Raziel looks at him with such sympathy that it’s hard not to fall into that symapthy. He runs a hand over his face and looks away. “If either Sammy or I say yes then he or Lucifer might get to Gabriel before either of us can do anything about it. I can’t let that happen. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed despite everything. I won’t let either one of those dicks hurt Gabriel. He got out once, and then I forced him to stand up his brother and he almost got killed because of it. He’s done enough, it’s time for him to get out.”

“I hardly think Gabriel would agree, but you still have my word. I will help you save him if that is your wish. Your trust has never wavered in me and for that I wish I could do more.”

“This’ll be enough, if you can tell me how.”

Raziel nods and explains, “If you take in his grace, then you can hide him momentarily from his brothers, giving Gabriel enough time to escape. They won’t see his grace inside you at first, Dean, but not for long, they’ll head straight for you and Sam. If you say yes to Michael before he can detect Gabriel’s grace, then you’ll have a chance _with_ Gabriel’s grace,” he emphasizes, “to take over control and throw Michael into the Cage, with Lucifer following. Since you’ve done it before, I have faith you can do it again. There may even be a chance to force Michael out of you and back into his current vessel before you fall into the Cage yourself, but it is not likely, Dean.”

It’s a lot for Dean to wrap his head around, but he gets it because Raziel took the time to explain it simply to him. He looks at him in gratitude and whispers, “Thanks, Raz.”

Raziel lowers his head in shame, “Are you sure you want to do this, Dean? Gabriel has....”

Dean can see how disappointed Raziel is in himself and he puts a hand on his shoulder. “It’s all my fault, Raz. Don’t even try to tell me it isn’t. If I can protect Gabriel, Sam and Cas, then I’ll take out those dick archangels and go with them.”

“It won’t be easy,” Raziel reminds Dean, laying his own hand on Dean’s shoulder and Dean drops his own, leaning into the touch for a second before he pulls away. Raziel’s gaze is soft as he looks over Dean and Dean blushes, shying away from it. If he thinks about Gabriel looking at him that way he’ll lose it for sure.

Dean shrugs and steels himself, “Nothing ever is. But I’ll be damned if I’m not gonna at least try to do this.” Sam has this idea in his head that he needs to make it up to him for trusting Ruby over his own brother, for betraying Dean in order to fuck her and drink her blood and, yes, kill Lilith too. What Sam doesn’t realize is what Dean finally understands: he was so hyped up on demon blood to realize what he was doing, so lost because he was gone and left Sam alone. Sam doesn’t have anything to make up for in his book, but Dean does have one very important job: to give him a happy apple-pie life with Cas.

Raziel’s hand drops from his shoulder, startling Dean back into reality. “I will try to distract Gabriel, but it’d be best if you kept your distance from him.”

Dean cracks a pained smile, feeling ice cold all of a sudden. “Won’t even be able to say goodbye, will I?”

Raziel swallows and looks up at the dreary sky above him. His book will be a monument to Dean in every way, he will record everything, tell the world about Dean Winchester, who saved the world, who saved Raziel from loss of hope and despair due to his Father’s absence. Dean is hope incarnate, he is fragility and beauty and strength, a human whose soul will forever be unrivaled.

Dean Winchester’s final act.

It is honorable, _this_ , so why does Raziel feel a tightening in his chest and the distinct sensation that he can’t breathe?

* * *

 

_Why do I feel like I can’t do this?_

Dean is sitting on the end of the bed with his feet dangling off the edge when Gabriel enters his, or rather, _their_ room. Gabriel no doubt knew he was already there, but he seems surprised when he looks up and sees him, sitting there expectantly, waiting for Gabriel to get his ass over to him already so he can get this over with. Getting things over with him will never feel right though. Dean wants to spend the rest of his short life with Gabriel, no take backs.

They didn’t have enough time and it’s fucked up but Dean forces himself to deal with it because he wasted most of it. He denied ever having loved Gabriel and right when he accepted it he denied it all over again, not sure if he was just obsessed with archangels in male vessels or simply grace in general. By the time he realized just how much he loves Gabriel and just how worthy he feels to even be with him, it was too late. And now he still can’t take Gabriel back even though he’s trying to make up for his mistakes; he can’t do anything so easily anymore.

He looks up at Gabriel and he _knows_ he can’t do this.

“Hey,” Dean manages to get out, voice hoarse, hands clasped tightly behind him.

Gabriel closes the door behind him, “Hey.” He takes a few steps towards Dean but stops when he sees the look on his face, as if suspecting something is wrong. Dean keeps Gabriel carefully blocked out of his head and Gabriel doesn’t break their boundaries and push his way inside; at least he respects Dean enough for that. Dean’s trying really hard, making sure his head is nearly impenetrable, and he’s surprised that Gabriel doesn’t seem more suspicious.

He sends three simple little words through the bond. _I love you._

Gabriel takes the last few steps forward and kneels down at Dean’s feet, looking up at him with relieved amber eyes. “I love you too.” His wings release from his back and Dean knows it’s pure instinct, runs his fingers through them...

 _One last time_.

Gabriel’s gaze turns worried, his voice nervous, “Dean?”

Dean smiles nervously. “Just in cause we don’t make it out of this. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better boyfriend.”

Gabriel opens his mouth, probably about to say something entirely on the contrary, but then he doesn’t. “Me too.” He sighs, as if hating himself; Dean knows the feeling. “I’m sorry I lit you on fire, Dean. I’ll spend the rest of our lives making up for that. I...,” Gabriel closes his eyes and Dean is shocked and touched to see tears spilling out from them. “I wasn’t thinking straight, but nothing I could do or say will ever make up for that. Don’t forgive me for it, Dean. I definitely don’t deserve your forgiveness, kiddo.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean stands up, startling Gabriel, who remains on the floor just staring up at him like Dean is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He’s a half-second away from losing it altogether and sobbing.

_The heat became a part of him and he didn’t know what to do didn’t want to panic but did panic._

_He opened his mouth to scream but he couldn’t hear it over the roaring of the fire, couldn’t hear his own thoughts or if he ever pleaded for it to stop or if he managed to scream that he was sorry over and over and over. Gabriel had probably blocked him out and no one could hear him not Sam not Cas not Raziel. He was alone couldn’t be more alone couldn’t fucking think couldn’t fucking remember._

_Sitting or standing or writhing on the ground he didn’t know. He remembered his dad saying he was proud of him remembered Sam’s dimples and Sam smiling at him and telling him things that he could never promise but did promise. He remembered selfishly wanting Gabriel, thinking of nothing else and then getting him and acting like he never wanted him in the first place. He remembered the pain and the need and the complete inability to give himself a damn thing._

_Gabriel holding him in his arms as if he actually meant something as if he actually wanted him in some way any way and not just because he felt sorry for Dean, felt sorry for not saying a proper goodbye as if he even needed to as if Dean couldn’t go on with at least that._

_The heat and the pain and the nauseating smell of his flesh burning was over. He lay there on the backseat, not able to feel anything, so numb. He lay there screaming and sobbing and hating himself for loving Gabriel but he did._

_He loved Gabriel._

“We’re gonna make it out of this, Dean. It’s not your time yet and it isn’t mine.”

_Know it’s not yours._

If Gabriel hears that he doesn’t say anything. “Gotta keep my head in the game,” Dean says. Gabriel doesn’t stop him from leaving and closing the door either.

* * *

 

_I can do this._

Sam is pumped full of demon blood because letting him believe that he’s the one making the sacrifice is a great way to keep his mind off of the truth weighing on Dean’s mind. Sam will try to stop him as soon as he figures out what Dean’s all too set to do.

There hasn’t been much preparing for Dean, if he took in more of Gabriel’s grace these past few days then Gabriel would grow suspicious since Dean has been protesting that he doesn’t need anymore. He did this once so he figures he can do it again.

He just hopes he’s not wrong.

Apparently angels like open spaces, so he and Sam are heading out to some cemetery in the middle of nowhere, off to his death. Dean will be damn lucky if he manages to throw both Lucifer and Michael in the Cage; somehow making it out alive is not something he’s gonna be stupid enough to hope for. There’s no way he’ll make it out of Michael’s body before they’re thrown down into the Cage, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

His life has become such a bitter fucking thing that he almost chokes on the laugh.

Gabriel doesn’t know what to say after he agrees to not follow him into the abyss. He and Dean stand there facing each other, like two idiots who finally know what they and the other want but also know that they will never have it. Gabriel worries about Sam for Dean’s sake and Dean lets him, needing to avoid his wavering eyes, needing to get his head together and just do this.

Sam starts walking towards the Impala when he notices that his brother and the archangel he’s been falling hard over all over again apparently do want some time alone. Dean takes one last long look at Gabriel, still blocking him out of his head when he prays to Raziel. He doesn’t know how the hell he does it, but Raz whisks him away as if he were never there in the first place.

One extra thing to add to that list in his head: he can transfer Gabriel’s grace into his own body without his consent and without being physically near. That really does help at a time like this.

He cuts out the world around him and carves out a private spot for himself, where no one can disturb him or even find him. He focuses on breathing out and breathing in, remembering the first time he took in Gabriel’s grace, for Gabriel... for Gabriel who wanted to save his life. Dean felt like the luckiest guy in the world then, and he still does in a lot of ways.

Piece by piece what he thought was lost is surging through him again, soon pulsating within his blood like liquid fire, mingling with the grace kept coiled up deeply inside of him. His soul is jolted by such a rapid transfer that he is forcing, _pushing_ with everything in him, but it is soon caressed by so much grace that it is daunting. The grace all goes to his head, like a living being inside of him fueling him, making him stronger, making him invincible, enabling him to take down Michael and Lucifer.

He has the blood of an archangel flowing through his veins, igniting his blood, racing through his thoughts and his doubts and claiming every one.

Dean feels beautiful in a way he never has before.

He leaves behind just that little bit for Gabriel and cuts himself off, his entire body aching in protest. When he feels like he’s firmly grounded in reality again he makes his way to the Impala, where Sam stares at him curiously.

“Where’d Gabriel go?”

Dean breathes hard, “Dunno. Said he’ll meet up with us later.”

Sam nods and slips into the passenger seat, giving Dean the time he needs to choke back a sob and screw his head on straight again. They drive and Dean doesn’t think about anything or anyone. He just drives.

Castiel appears in the backseat after a while and it comes to Dean’s mind that Cas must be pretty worried about Sam, that he must have argued with Sam about doing this. Not like either of them have anything to worry about though. The angel looks troubled and tongue-tied but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t try to sway Sam’s decision. Dean is half-pissed for a second that he would even let his brother go through with this, but then he realizes it’s probably Cas’ way of expressing love or something.

The image of him and Sam doing it makes him want to throw up, but at least it takes his mind off of Gabriel.

When they get to the cemetery they’re alone - Cas has taken off again - and it feels so much worse, this heavy anticipation, these last few moments Dean will have with Sam. “I’m proud of you, you know that right?”

Sam looks over at him, “What’s this all about?”

Dean shrugs, “Just don’t wanna leave things unsaid between us.”

His brother snorts, “Since when?” But Dean’s not able to respond before Lucifer shows up, Michael arriving seconds later. Dean watches them carefully, knowing he hasn’t got much time before they realize what’s going on.

Lucifer faces his brother and he can’t stand it, he opens his mouth before the devil can, staring at Michael who stares at him back, waiting for the inevitable answer. He’s no longer wearing his father, which is a huge relief, but Adam instead. It’s not like he feels good about the current vessel choice either, but he can’t do this with a younger version of John staring him in the face.

“Yes.”

“Dean, no...!” Sam’s words are drowned out by the incredibly awkward, immensely uncomfortable sensation of Michael trying to take him over. It’s not painful exactly, but with the fight Dean’s putting up it’s on the borderline. There are so many things he wishes he could have told Sam, so many apologies, but they probably wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. He let’s it go and he and Michael fight, and Dean knows the only reason why they’re even fighting in the first place is because of Gabriel’s grace.

But he’s definitely not strong enough for this.

He can vaguely see Castiel appear to throw a Molotov cocktail at Lucifer, and the next time he blinks he’s gone and Cas is trying to hold Sam back from the battle raging in Dean’s body. It doesn’t last long, not with Lucifer coming back and snapping his fingers with a scowl of rage on his face, making Cas explode into a thousand itty bitty pieces. Dean would feel the loss if he wasn’t fighting so damn hard. He can’t hold on too much longer, that’s for sure; Gabriel’s grace is no match for Michael. They are all _fucked_.

Dean can feel Michael gaining ground by the second, shoving Dean further and further down into himself. Every time he pulls himself up again he’s forced back down more than he can afford. He wants to panic, to tell himself how stupid of an idea this was, but he holds on with everything in him. He’s a Winchester, goddammit, and he _will_ win this.

_Raziel fed you that completely ridiculous theory. Did you actually believe that you could win, Dean? That love could prevail over all? I have you, just as I always knew I would. Gabriel will no longer be an archangel because of your stupidity, I will destroy his grace._

Dean slips further and further down, no longer trying to gain ground, barely trying. Something keeps him hanging on for just those few extra seconds, and he doesn’t know what it is but he trusts in it.

The vessel that was once Michael’s, Adam, gets up off the ground and comes towards them. Dean doesn’t know what the hell’s going on, but someone’s taken hold of Adam as a vessel and it isn’t Lucifer, who seems to be pounding on Sam with his fists, waiting for him to say yes. He trusts that small voice in the back of his mind and keeps on fighting, resisting Michael’s need to control his mind and at the same time pushing his own body backward, Michael seeming too preoccupied with taking Dean as his rightful vessel to notice what he’s trying to do.

The hole has been opened up in the ground and Dean is heading straight for it.

There is just that one thought in his head: to keep moving backward as quickly and as discreetly as he can. But Gabriel still intrudes on his thoughts, his lust for life and his grin, so enormous that Dean relaxes in it and pulls himself backward almost without thinking about it anymore.

He’ll save Gabriel by doing this, make sure he can’t be touched by his brothers again. He’ll have a better life without him.

_I’m poison._

Lucifer is another factor that he needs to worry about, but it seems not for long. The devil, in his depleting vessel, leaves Sam be for the moment and makes his way straight towards the two of them, as if he believes he can take on Michael in his state. Dean continues to fight, continues to pull Michael inside him but push him away at the same time. He holds onto the roiling grace helping him stay in control and let’s it feed him strength he can no longer find within himself, but he doesn’t have much longer, not at the rate he’s going.

It’s almost over, if he can just....

Adam is forcing them back with every step, Lucifer too preoccupied and heading straight towards them still, eyes burning a hole into Dean’s soul. When they’re right at the edge, when Dean is a half-second away from throwing them both into that pitch black, bottomless hole, Raziel appears right in front of him and tells him to let go.

_I can’t, not yet. This is the only way. I have to go with them._

Raziel smiles, cupping Dean’s face in his hands one last time. “I’ve got it from here. Let go, Dean.”

All of a sudden, with a blinding burst of light the remainder of Gabriel’s grace is forced into Dean, not by his doing but most likely by Gabriel’s. Dean is in shock by the thrill of it, suddenly feeling like he has that extra control over Michael that he didn’t have before. He worries about Gabriel, about how he’s functioning without an ounce of grace inside him, but Raziel is holding him with his gaze and he looks so sad and so determined and Dean concentrates harder than he ever has before.

Somehow, he can see Gabriel in Adam’s eyes.

_Goodbye, Gabriel. I hope you don’t forget me._

Adam, or rather, _Gabriel_ is screaming at him to stop, to stop moving and to stop trying but Dean can’t. Doesn’t he know that? He can’t even if he wanted to because he has to do this for Sam and for Gabriel, has to do this to feel right and _whole_ again.

Dean rises up and shoves Michael out of his body, and Michael retreats back into Adam’s body once Gabriel gains a part of his grace again and is no longer trapped inside Adam. The effort has Dean feel like he’s on the brink of death and maybe he is. Dean’s falling then, falling backward but only for a few inches. Gabriel, once more in his proper vessel, surges forward to drag him away from the edge, pulling Dean’s head into his lap, stroking his hair back in a familiar gesture and with those all too familiar, beautiful hands. Dean’s too tired to think or to remember, to hold onto reality or wonder why he even needs to in the first place.

One last look shared between the two of them and Raziel is falling, taking Michael in Adam’s body and Lucifer in Nick’s with him. And after that, after all that he’s been through, a deathly silence falling upon him like a tidal wave, Dean blacks out.

* * *

 

_How can I make him remember me?_

Gabriel’s head is a mess, a mess of tumultuous emotions and regrets so vast he feels like he’s choking in them. Sam is in the panic room Gabriel created, still going through withdrawal, trying to get all that demon blood out of his system and Gabriel cringes at the thought. Cas stays with Sam most of the time as support, but when Sam wants to be alone or is extra crazy than usual then he leaves and checks on Dean.

It’s the fifth day after Michael’s and Lucifer’s expulsion to the Cage, along with the archangel Raziel, who saved Dean’s life. It’s the day after Dean woke up not remembering anything, not even recognizing his own brother or his bond-mate, even with Gabriel’s grace still surging inside of him.

There are no words to describe how Gabriel feels.

As Castiel puts it, it seems like the grace overload was too much for Dean’s psyche and now it has to sort through everything and recover before he can be allowed to remember again. But ever the pessimist, Gabriel wonders if Dean will ever remember him again. He wonders if this is all meant to be, not that he ever really believed in that bullshit. But maybe he and Dean are meant to have a clean state, to start over because maybe they couldn’t knowing everything they knew about each other.

Sure, Gabriel can get Dean to fall in love with him again. He can tell Dean anything and everything even though there’s just too much and some things he never wants to remember again. He wants Dean to know how proud of him he is though, wants him to know that Gabriel tried, tried to love Dean without complications.

He can do it differently this time around, and what’s really wrong with that?

Dean sleeps most of the time and when he’s not sleeping he doesn’t want to be around anyone, but what hurts is that he chooses Castiel over Gabriel, as if he trusts him more. Castiel is the one who keeps Dean fed and keeps him well, the one who takes care of Sam and tries to reassure Gabriel. It’s too big of a job to do, but Gabriel is falling apart at the seams and Dean looking at him like he’s scared of him is _not_ helping.

On the seventh day all the demon blood is purged from Sam’s body and Sam finally sleeps, but he gets up several times to check on Dean and talk to him. Dean seems to know enough to know that Sam was once close to him, which only heightens Gabriel’s misery. The apologetic looks Sam sends his way just make him feel worse.

Castiel pleads him to give Dean time, but the archangel is more and more becoming a fixture in the background and he can’t stand it.

“He has amnesia, Gabe,” Sam tells him one day, frustrated at Gabriel’s growing lack of patience, as if Gabriel isn’t already aware what Dean’s _condition_ is. “It’s not like you can just snap your fingers and make him remember.” As if he hasn’t tried that already.

He’s right in that sense, but the more Gabriel keeps on thinking the more ideas he gets. And then finally he has it.

Gabriel smiles at Sam, “I know just the thing.”

Sam stares at him in confusion before Gabriel slams the door in his face and locks it. Sam seems angry at first, pounding on the door and demanding Gabriel let him in, but after a few minutes the shouting and the pounding stops and Gabriel sinks back against the door in relief.

When he looks over Dean is sitting up in bed, eyes wide and terrified, clutching the blankets to his chest and damn it, if he doesn’t look like just a scared little boy that Gabriel wants to hide away from the world. If Dean knew what he was doing to Gabriel he would want to remember, he would want to rid the archangel of the ache in his vessel’s chest and the incessant suffering of his grace.

Dean had done so well with all of Gabriel’s grace inside him, and Gabriel had felt such love and such pride that he hadn’t minded that he was severely depleted at all. He had still felt Dean through their bond, had held onto Dean’s courage and hope and dedication to Gabriel as if it were life itself. He didn’t need his grace to love Dean, just like his grace didn’t need him to make Dean feel loved and strong and _invincible._

There was so much love for Dean and no Dean to give it to.

Gabriel walks closer to the bed, slowly but not too much. He can’t keep on waiting for Dean to remember, he has to _make_ him remember. Even if it comes with nightmares and hating Gabriel again and wanting to take things slow. Gabriel will help him through anything, just as long as Dean _remembers._

“Hey, Dean,” he says, sitting at the end of the bed, putting a hand down on Dean’s trembling thigh. To be so scared he must remember something about Gabriel, something definitely not good. “I know we haven’t seen much of each other these past few days, but I was hoping we could change that.”

Dean nods, but jerks his leg away from Gabriel’s hand. Gabriel smiles in anticipation, leaning forward, “Can I show you something, kiddo?”

He nods again, drawing his legs up to his chest, swallowing erratically. Gabriel almost believes for a second that he can’t go through with this, but then he sees how unlike _Dean_ Deanactually is, and he wants to bring him back so badly. There’s so much in Dean that he loves and it’s not here: his strength and his bravery and his selflessness, the way he shies away as if thinking he deserves nothing good, the way his soul lights up when Gabriel’s in the room, kissing him senselessly, buried deep inside Dean’s gorgeous form and rocking them back and forth on the bed.

Gabriel wants Dean’s fingers buried in his wings again, wants his lips kissing every inch of his belly and his tongue lapping up the sweat there.

He wants the fear that Dean will never admit to, the way he loves so hard and so fast and so confidently that it takes Gabriel’s breath away. He wants the joy of his grace that heightens the joy in him when Dean is near, when Dean is happy and sated and too fucking adorable for words.

He wants _Dean_.

Without a doubt in his mind Gabriel unleashes his six sets of wings. They bring forth light into the dank and stuffy room, and while they keep Dean in shadow they also light him up too, light up his pale face and his wide eyes that seem to go wider with each passing second until Gabriel is sure that they’ll pop right out of his skull. Dean’s hands drop the sheets as he stares up at the archangel in horrified awe, but soon those hands are clutching his head and Gabriel backs off, one step then two, panicking when Dean practically leaps out of bed and rushes into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Gabriel calls after him, not knowing what else to do. “Sweetheart....”

He comes out three seconds later but to Gabriel, it feels like three eons. The grace is racing inside him, so unsure and so positive that he’s fucked this up big time, that this’ll just make Dean try harder not to remember. Dean looks up at him then though, and there’s such recognition in his eyes that Gabriel freezes and his grace does also.

“Gabriel...?” And Gabriel rushes forward to catch him just before he sinks down onto his knees, holds one hand in each of his own so Dean can’t pull away. “Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Gabriel.”

"There's nothing to be sorry for, sweetie.” He cups Dean’s cheek and kisses him there, then laying a multitude of small kisses across his forehead and down his neck. He wipes away the sweat drenching Dean and presses his face against Dean’s own, pushing a wave of comforting cold towards him, trying to cool him down. “You're back with me now and I am not gonna waste anymore time. I love you, Dean.”

Dean presses his face into Gabriel’s neck and sobs. Gabriel starts crying too, holding Dean against him and rocking him back and forth. Dean remembers him. _Dean remembers him._

“Thought you hated me.”

Gabriel shakes his head in rage at himself, Dean can feel it and presses his hand against Gabriel’s chest. “I don’t hate you. I love you so much. You should be the one hating me, for recreating the bond.”

“I don’t.” Dean’s hand presses harder and Gabriel’s grace cries out in sadness but joy as well, nuzzling every inch of Dean, wanting to make him feel like he isn’t alone. “I could never hate you for that. I did hate you a little bit at the time, but only because I didn’t know what you were gonna do afterward. I missed what we had, wanted it back....”

Gabriel smashes his mouth against Dean’s and kisses him until Dean is gasping for air, feeling dizzy from that and from the grace that surrounds him. Gabriel is fully intent on smothering him for many long days though, refusing to let Dean out of his hold or out of his sight. Dean doesn’t protest when Gabriel kisses him again after only a short breath of air, only kisses him back as if they haven’t seen each other in years. In some ways, they haven’t.

He pulls away, wanting to tell him so many things while they’re still on his mind. “You wouldn’t have been able to take in my grace without my consent, Dean.”

He swallows, “Do you mean...?”

Dean needs to know just how much Gabriel is willing to do for him. “I know it was what you wanted, so I gave it to you. Did you honestly believe Raziel could overpower me? You are really dumb sometimes, Dean-o.”

Dean laughs, laughs until he’s crying, so relieved and so happy and feeling like such an idiot but such an idiot in love.

But then he remembers Raziel and how elated he once felt drifts away as soon as it came. “He’s gone, isn’t he? Raziel.”

Gabriel decides to change the topic, not wanting Dean to feel anymore guilt. What Raziel did was his choice and Gabriel will never find a way to repay him. “Since when did you start thinking about what would be best for me, kiddo?”

Dean swallows and smiles, relaxing into Gabriel. “Cause... because of what you did. The fact that you sacrificed your life so you could finally stand up to your brother, in order to prove your worth. You’re a good... person, whatever, Gabriel. But me, I kill everything I touch, everyone who gets near me winds up dead. Hell, even Sam...,” Dean breaks off then, out of breath, unable to finish. He has failed his brother so many times he can’t count them all. He can’t understand why Gabriel never saw him as a monster, as something that needs to be put down. Wouldn’t Gabriel have been better off without him all along?

Gabriel deserves something better, something better than _him_.

Even though they have been through this over and over, Dean can’t stop, can’t help but rebel against _this_ , against _him_ , not because it isn’t good for him, but because it isn’t good for Gabriel.

But with Gabriel holding him, still here after all the mess the both of them created, he starts doubting himself more and more.

“You have saved your brother more times than even I can count, and you’ve saved my ass and managed to make me admit it, which is a feat in itself. So it’s time to pull your head out of your ass and start realizing your worth. I’m willing to stand here and hold your hand again, for however many months you need, but I’m fucking sick of waiting, Dean. I _will_ wait because I love you and I want to be with you, past life and past death. My promise is for an eternity. But Dean...,” Gabriel stares up at him pleadingly and Dean looks away, “I need you to love me. Even after all the mistakes I made, that we _both_ made, if I have your love and your trust it’ll be enough. I will make it up to you, but let me love you while I’m doing it.”

“I love you. You know I do. I just....” _I’m a fuck-up. I’m poison and always will be._

“No.”

Gabriel stands up and Dean follows his lead, but the archangel backs him up against a wall, feeling the doubt in his human. He can see as clear as day what he’s thinking about: their fucked up reunion which wasn’t even really a reunion at all. He had sympathized with Dean’s agony at the time, both physical and mental given the situation and his abrupt, terrifying entrance, but the one thing that takes him over fiercer than anything he has ever experienced is pride. Pride that he can protect Dean and love him, that he can show Dean just how much he’s been in love with him all along.

Bonding with Dean was the best accident he ever made.

“There is nothing else to say after that. How many times do I have to say I love you? And I know you love me, you just think you’re not good enough, not even after you _saved_ all of us. I’m the one who’s not good enough, the one who hurt you, but if you love me I’m willing to forget about all of it and admit that what we have is _real_ and it involves the two of us being _together_. Are you ready for that, Dean?”

“Gabe....”

Gabriel shakes his head, “I’ve realized my mistake, Dean, not trusting you even though you trusted me, and I’ll be damned if I accept that my apology is too late.”

Dean looks up at him, wanting to believe he’s good, wanting to believe he won’t fuck this up all over again, that he can protect Gabriel and be with him too, be what Gabriel needs. “It’s not, believe me it’s not.”

Gabriel lifts him up off the ground and carries Dean bridal style over to the bed, laying him down on it gently and kissing him softly. He presses Dean further down into the mattress as he settles himself on top of him, nose nuzzling Dean’s own, hands shaking slightly as they hold his face. He’s so afraid, so afraid that they’ll fuck it up all over again, so afraid that he won’t be good enough. It doesn’t matter though, with Dean here, tucked safely underneath him, he’s willing to try anything.

“I love you.”

Dean runs his hand through Gabriel’s hair and smiles, “I love you too.”

They’ve got a long road ahead, but it isn’t dark and it won’t be worth traveling. Gabriel wraps Dean in his wings and whisks them away to their honeymoon.


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack: Lyrics are from Dido’s ‘Here With Me.’

_~Oh, I am what I am, I’ll do what I want, but I can’t hide_

_And I won’t go, I won’t sleep, and I can’t breathe_

_Until you’re resting here with me~_

* * *

 

Dean is flat on his back, limbs outstretched and nearly covering the full expanse of the bed. Gabriel gave him the bed earlier to stretch out on and now he himself is lounged out in some huge armchair, teeth clattering against a lollipop as he moves it back and forth across his mouth, and a magazine in his hand that Dean knows he’s not really focusing on. Dean sighs, squinting his eyes shut against the light in the room, tired of their tropical vacation already even though he loved it at first. His back still feels the sting of sunburn and he can swear there’s still sand in between his toes, no matter how many times Gabriel licked in between them to prove there isn’t any.

“Come back to bed,” Dean says, hand reaching for Gabriel. He doesn’t feel like moving after a long day at the beach, and taking a nap at their luxurious ocean-front resort sounded like the best idea at the time. Who knew Gabriel would want some _alone_ time?

“Would if I could, Dean-o.”

He flips a page and Dean sighs again, groaning as he sits up. “How long we gonna keep on doing this?”

Gabriel pulls himself slowly out of the armchair and saunters on over to the bed in some stupid attempt to change Dean’s mind, an attempt that will never work. He fluffs the pillow for a few good moments violently before collapsing down beside Dean and picking up his magazine again. And then that damn lollipop is back in his mouth. “Doing what?”

“The whole not talking thing,” Dean elaborates. “Thought honeymooners were supposed to be happy. It was your idea to bring us here in the first place. Besides, we aren’t even married.”

Gabriel still won’t look at him, instead just stares intently at the page as if it’s way more fascinating than Dean is. “Technically we are. Grace-bonding is the equivalent of angelic marriage, and since we’ve bonded a total of two times now, might I add,” and he’s definitely sounding like an asshole to Dean at this point, “that makes for two honeymoons or an extended one, at least.”

“Alright, alright,” Dean lays back down and rests his head on Gabriel’s shoulder. Gabriel doesn’t shake him off but he is sorta tense under Dean’s cheek. “We’re married then, even if I never agreed to it.” He would have expected Gabriel to give him a death glare or at least an annoyed look, but he doesn’t. And people think that Dean’s the one always skirting the issue... huh.

And then Gabriel tries to change the subject... again. “Thought you were happy.”

“I am,” Dean sighs loudly, poking Gabriel in the ribs, “but that’s not what I meant. You seem less energetic than usual.” _You seem like you don’t want to be here with me,_ Dean sends through the bond, but whether Gabriel blocks it out or hears it, he doesn’t know.

Gabriel shrugs widely, jostling Dean. “Maybe I’m just tired.”

“Well, maybe I just want us to talk for once. Isn’t that what killed us the first time around? And the second,” Dean adds, with more anger. He didn’t realize his voice was rising until the words were already out; he didn’t want them to argue on this trip, not even if they needed to be able to _actually_ communicate.

“You’re right, Dean. I’m sorry, what do you want to talk about? Raziel?”

“Fuck you, Gabriel.” Dean turns away from the archangel, clutches the nearest pillow and closes his eyes. He doesn’t care how childish he’s making himself look, but he does forcibly stop himself after several tears escape from underneath his closed lids. He can still remember Raziel telling him to stop, being there for him every step of the way when he said he couldn’t. Raziel shouldn’t have had to sacrifice himself, he should have _made_ it.

Someone’s running a thumb up and down his foot and Dean jumps, eyes snapping open to latch immediately onto Gabriel’s amber ones, concerned and wanting to delicately handle the situation. He’s lying flat on his back again, Gabriel hovering over him and giving him no personal space. “You okay?”

Dean blinks tiredly, “Yeah.” Who knew his biggest nightmare would be Gabriel not talking to him?

Gabriel massages his foot for several moments, the pad of his thumb digging in deep and releasing the tension there. He pats Dean’s thigh gently after he moans in relief, “Raziel?”

“Yeah.” He rubs a hand over his face, looking down when Gabriel won’t stop staring at him. Those eyes can be pretty damn penetrating at times, and Dean’s more afraid of spilling his own heart out with eyes locked onto him than not saying anything at all.

“Wanna talk?” _Thank god._

“About what?”

Gabriel smiles at him knowingly, like he’s up to no good. His hand takes Dean’s own and he traces the deep-set lines in his palm; Dean’s back tingles and he stares at Gabriel’s hand rather than at him directly. “About anything you want.” He sighs after he waits several minutes for Dean to say something but ultimately figures he’s gonna have to open his mouth first. “We should go back to the start, when I first came back. You...” Gabriel licks his lips and shakes his head, “you were on a case.”

The archangel goes inside Dean’s head and gently pulls out the memory that he long ago covered up; Dean’s eyes widen as he starts to remember. “Johnny...” Dean closes his eyes and tries to concentrate. “I remember him but....”

“Wait,” Gabriel tells him, noticing the pained look on Dean’s face and smoothing out the lines of stress etched deeply into his forehead. “Don’t rush it, it’ll come to you.”

“You covered something up, didn’t you?” Dean asks uncertainly, eyes still closed, beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead; Gabriel wipes them away and watches his bond-mate in concern. Dean needs to know everything, but Gabriel hates for him to be in pain again. “He didn’t kill those people. You did....”

“No.” Gabriel clasps his hand in between both of his own, making sure Dean looks at him when he opens his eyes again. “I didn’t kill them, Dean. You have to know that.”

“Then why’d you cover it up?”

“You didn’t need to know it back then,” Gabriel says frantically. “There was no time... you definitely would not have given into the bond if you had even suspected, and your brother would have killed me.” He never would have gotten a chance with Dean, it would have just been thrown away as if what they had wasn’t meant to be at all.

Dean miraculously relents, coming out of his head, thumb running back and forth across Gabriel’s hand as if to ground himself. “So you didn’t kill them, just him.”

Gabriel smiles in relief and holds Dean’s face in his hands, thumbs stroking the sides gently. “Just him. Raziel wanted my attention and your attention and he knew how to get it. I didn’t know about it at first, I’d been trying to figure it out for months. I never suspected Michael would be wrapped up in it. But Raziel... he told me everything when he convinced me to leave and let you do what you wanted to do. Lucky for both of us, he wasn’t about to let you go through with your entire plan. It might have been your decision to make, Dean, sacrificing yourself, just like it was mine, but I don’t think I can live without you again. Not anymore, kiddo.”

Gabriel doesn’t know how many more times he can reconstruct the bond and afford to lose pieces of himself, because he does. Something in Gabriel broke when he had built their bond up again - not accidental that time - and it hadn’t just been the fear that Dean didn’t want it in place anymore.

Gabriel no longer is what he used to be. He’s not cruel and indifferent and uncaring. He wanted what was best for Dean in every way, even if that meant lying and abusing his trust and acting on jealousy and anger in ways he had no right to. He still wants what’s best for Dean, always will, but the second time he built their bond - on his own and without the influence of his grace - he knew better.

Dean is his own man and Gabriel can’t get in the way of that.

The human doesn’t seem angry per say, but he doesn’t seem too happy about Gabriel’s past choices either. “So you lied to me, in order to make me trust you. You went inside my head and you corrupted those memories. Gabriel, I... I don’t know if I can ever trust you.”

Gabriel knows Dean shouldn’t, knows he’s no good, but he still begs for forgiveness anyway because it’s _Dean_. Dean, who loves so hard and so fast and always is out there for everyone else, putting himself on the back burner and then forgetting he’s even there at all, that he even gets the right to love himself just a little bit.

Someone needs to love Dean.

“I did leave one memory, Dean, the one where I saved you. I didn’t want you to ever forget that, forget what I would do for you. Killing humans has gotten me into a whole helluva lot of trouble before, and a part of me thinks that I shouldn’t have done it, but when I saw what he was doing to you, I couldn’t stop myself, and not only because you’re my charge. Bonding with you was accidental, sure, but it’s the only good thing I’ve ever done: loving you, protecting you, wanting to be with you every second of every day. I never faked it once, Dean, not even when I was so angry at you that I couldn’t see straight. If you get anything out of what I’m telling you it has to be that.”

Dean stares at him for several moments, not trying to block Gabriel out of his head but the archangel isn’t trying to get inside anyway. He knows that after all of this Dean is still thinking about Raziel, and he’s still jealous and he always will be, but it doesn’t matter so much anymore and not just because he’ll be gone for a long while.

Dean never loved him in the first place, he knew that, but the word still burns every time he says it.

Gabriel sighs because he knows he needs to do this, so he reaches behind him and places the book in front of Dean. His eyes widen as he stares at the hardcover book curiously and with suspicion, but his hand reaches out and brushes the cover. It totally sucks that he even imagines that this one object will help to heal the rift between him and Dean, all the damage caused by the two of them, but he’ll thank Raziel every damn day if it does.

Dean looks up at him, candy apple green eyes unsure, “What...?”

Gabriel pushes the book closer and smiles assuredly, surprised to realize it’s not even a little bit fake. “He left this for you.” He watches Dean as he continues to stare at the book, scoots closer in support as he flips to the first page. “Might want to skip to the end first,” he adds, and Dean looks up at him again.

Gabriel hasn’t read it word for word, that’s for Dean to do, but he has skimmed it and gained a whole new perspective on his father, on humans, and on Raziel himself. Raziel was a hero, someone who, like Gabriel, loved Dean exactly for who he is. He can respect that a little, can respect that Dean had another guardian angel looking out for him all along, without any of them even knowing about it.

Dean won’t stop looking at him, as if he thinks Gabriel will blow up at him. “It’s okay,” Gabriel reassures, fluffing the pillow and laying back against it again, arm behind his head, coaxing Dean to continue on and read it aloud. “I’m not mad. If I was I wouldn’t have given it to you. Go on,” he pushes, nudging Dean’s arm, “read.”

And Dean does, he reads every word and every page, looking disappointed and relieved at the same time when he realizes only half of the book is filled and that the last sentence ends with an ellipsis and not a period, as if Dean is supposed to finish it.

Strangely, Gabriel’s crying at the end of it and not Dean, who’s too exhausted to cry and worn out from trying to forget Raziel and be with Gabriel in the present, one-hundred percent.

_I have made my choice: the righteous man will live._

_Goodbye, Dean..._

“Gabriel,” Dean leans forward and runs a hand through the archangel’s soft hair, nearly as soft as his wings. He nearly jolts back in shock when Gabriel releases his wings, trying in vain to hide himself from Dean, but the human only leans forward again and joins him under their dark warmth. “I didn’t....”

He shakes his head, pulling Dean forward so that they’re nearly nose to nose. “I know you didn’t love him, Dean. I know you miss him and I’m not angry at you for that.”

Dean’s eyes drop because his head can’t. “Wouldn’t blame you if you were.”

“Well, I’m not,” Gabriel fumes, even though somewhere deep down inside he is. He has a right to be with the fact that Dean will never forget Raziel and that the kiss will never be erased from either of their minds, even if it did mean nothing in the end. Raziel is gone, though, even if Dean would do everything in his power to change that, and there is nothing to stand in the way of them and why shouldn’t he be happy about that? “Happy now?”

Dean discreetly sniffles and comes out from underneath Gabriel’s wings, and in response Gabriel pulls his wings back slightly and joins him again in the open air of their resort room. “I guess. But, dude,” he adds, running his hand through his feathers, wanting more than anything to lighten the situation, “you’re the one who’s crying.”

“Liar.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.” He reaches forward and brushes a suspicious bit of moisture off Gabriel’s cheek; Gabriel holds his hand there for the longest time.

Gabriel glares at him and Dean laughs suddenly, punching him in the arm and then whining about how he never plays fair when Gabriel tickles him for a good five minutes. Dean explodes into laughter, tears unwillingly streaming down his face as Gabriel brings out that vulnerable side of him he hates to have shown but somehow doesn’t mind so much when it’s Gabriel.

In his own way, Gabriel’s giving him permission to let go, to be relieved that he and Gabriel are still here, yet also allow Dean to blame the tears on Gabriel’s doing rather than sadness over Raziel’s sacrifice.

Gabriel really does _get_ him.

“Come on,” he takes Dean’s hand and pulls him up off the bed, and Dean can’t help but smile and wonder what’s up Gabriel’s sleeve. “Let’s head to that marketplace downtown and go do some food tasting. When it’s nighttime we can walk on the beach, if you’re feeling up to it, sweetie.” He leans forward to press a quick kiss to Dean’s lips, his thumb stroking Dean’s cheek and Dean sighs in contentment, relaxing into the touch. He doesn’t have to be scared around Gabriel, all that shit is past them now.

What a relief too.

* * *

 

Dean’s fear of rejection and loneliness persists throughout the week, but their honeymoon concludes on a much lighter note. There’s so much eating that for once in his life Dean doesn’t want to see another burger or slice of pie for the next year. They have drinking games and walk on the beach during long afternoons and then stumble back to their room and make out and fuck until Dean falls asleep, thinking that there is nothing else he needs, no more void to fill and no more doubt to kill.

And then it’s over, and Dean misses it but he’s also happy to get back into the routine again.

Gabriel teleports the two of them back home, or at least the next hotel Gabriel’s decided to cook up. Instead of a silent room or an armful of little brother, Dean opens his eyes to see Sam and Castiel making out on the couch. He immediately throws an arm over his eyes, groans and turns around. “Oh god, did not need to see that! You think you could have planted us somewhere else, Gabriel?”

He doesn’t even have to look over to know that Gabriel is smirking and watching the two with interest. Dean wants to throw up, hoping that someday the image of his little brother and the angel who pulled him from the pit groping and sprawled on top of each other, half naked on the couch, will fade from his mind.

Somehow, he knows it won’t.

He turns around and is relieved to find Castiel and his brother no longer shirtless. Sam has a sheepish look on his face, yet there’s also pride there that Dean’s surprised to see. Castiel is currently glaring at Gabriel. “I must admit, brother. That was most inconsiderate.”

“Oh, come on!” Gabriel protests, “You guys need to lighten up a little. In fact, we should do this more often, maybe we can learn something from each other.”

Dean is about to shove him into another room when he feels something entering his body, something warm and fluttery and it sends an electrical shock throughout his system. His hands drop to their sides and he gasps, stumbling backward and leaning against a chair for support. Sam is off the couch before he can blink, yet Castiel stays right where he is, looking at Gabriel with amazement. Gabriel doesn’t pay any attention to him though, his gaze is strictly on Dean.

Sam approaches him slowly, but ultimately decides that putting a hand on his shoulder won’t hurt his brother. “You okay, Dean? What happened?” Dean leans into the touch for just a split second, wanting to feel something outwardly physical.

Gabriel answers before he can, not that Dean would be able to explain it anyway. “You felt that, kiddo?”

“Jesus.” Dean’s eyes widen at the slightly less jolting sensation as it passes through his body a second time, and he struggles to get his breathing back under control. He looks up at Gabriel slowly and sees a smile first, but when he looks beyond it he sees so much more. That’s how it is with Gabriel: you have to look deeper in order to find the real him, because what he’s showing on the outside isn’t at all what he feels like on the inside. Dean realizes he’s the same in a lot of ways, and maybe that’s why he likes solving the enigma that is the archangel.

Beyond that smile there’s a cautiousness about the bond, even after they’ve pushed it to its limits. There’s also a love there that Dean never gets sick of, a love for him that thrills him no matter how many times he comes across it. “Did you do that?”

“I did,” and Dean’s fingers tingle at those eyes on him, drawing him in, “and I can do it again if you like.”

Dean starts, “No, just let me catch my breath first... okay?” Gabriel immediately backs off but the smile is still on his face, clouding Dean’s rationality, making him want to jump Gabriel despite the two sets of lingering eyes on them.

Sam looks at Gabriel with suspicion in his eyes, “What the hell is going on with you two?”

Castiel answers him, “Gabriel is merely practicing grace transference. It merely caught Dean unaware, that is all. I believe it is more an expression of devotion than a means to irritate Dean, am I correct, brother?”

Gabriel only looks at Dean with love in his eyes, “You’re correct, Cassie.”

“Not that I don’t appreciate the unexpected gesture of devotion and all, but....”

Gabriel does it a third time, and Dean wonders whether he’s just trying to be annoying or wants to prove something that Dean thinks he knows but apparently doesn’t. He’s gasping again because this is the biggest jolt yet, and he tips forward into his arms out of disorientation and something else he’ll never admit to, lips already on Gabriel’s and kissing him fervently. It’s more pleasure than anything else, Gabriel sending a huge wave of grace into his bond-mate unexpectedly, but Dean can read the love and the passion in the gesture.

Gabriel can be such a romantic sometimes, in the most unexpected of ways. He may be able to keep his hands off of Dean, but he apparently can’t restrain his grace. Dean smiles and blushes when they finally pull away, and he notices that Sam is staring at the two of them with a mixture of surprise and horror.

“Sorry, Sammy. Seems like Gabriel and I still have a lot of catching up to do.” _Even after our honeymoon_ , Dean thinks.

“Speaking of catching up,” Gabriel cuts in, “that goes for all of us. We haven’t really had any family get-togethers per say, so I say we take a week off and go do something fun. It can be a vacation of sorts, or even a second honeymoon,” he winks at Dean on that last part, draping an arm across his shoulders. “So whaddya guys say?”

Sam shrugs and sighs in, strangely, amusement, “I’m game.” He looks behind him and smiles at Castiel, who sends back a reassuring and even pleased smile.

Dean should tease Gabriel that they just got back from a vacation, but Sam and Cas look excited and Dean doesn’t want to ruin it. He figures all those monsters and demons out there waiting to get ganked will still be there by the time they get back. If Gabriel’s offering, then who is he to refuse? All Dean can think about is how weird all this is but yet how happy they all are too, how Gabriel is trying to bring them even closer together instead of ripping them apart.

Family get-together it is.

* * *

 

They’re packed an hour later, and Gabriel and Dean are out the door first. Surprisingly, Gabriel’s restraining himself even though there are no eyes on them, and more than once Dean wonders if he’s thinking about the loss of his brothers or Raziel. Even though Michael and Lucifer were dicks they were still Gabriel’s brothers, and he wonders how much it weighs on him to know that he played a part in locking them away for good.

“Road trip?” Gabriel offers, catching Dean off guard by tossing him his keys, though Dean did not know that they were missing in the first place. He throws Dean that ever-present smirk, but Dean can always read right through it. There is a lot playing on Gabriel’s mind, just like there is on Dean’s, and maybe another break to work everything out wouldn’t be such a bad idea. “Sammy-kins and Cassie get the back seat though.”

Late that first night, Dean locks himself in the bathroom and opens Raziel’s book again, thumbing through the pages and finding a surprising comfort in them that helps to fill the hole in his chest that was once filled with Raziel’s friendship. He feels lost without him sometimes, feels the guilt eating away at him until he thinks of Gabriel and forces it aside. He feels like he has a right to miss him, to feel that guilt over Raziel giving so much for him, but he also doesn’t feel right looking at the book too often. It’s almost been a week since he looked at it last.

He reads through it again, quickly but with concentration and sadness. He focuses on the few pages that Raziel placed him in, making him history, making him a part of Raziel’s existence that just wasn’t worth forgetting. It makes several tears spill out and onto the book, but if Dean’s the only witness then there’s no harm done.

Dean flips the first blank page back and forth before making up his mind. He picks up the pen he left on the counter and let’s it hover above the page that Raziel started but ultimately wanted him to finish. He starts writing and as soon as he does he feels this huge weight lift from his chest and he’s able to breathe again. He’ll go back to bed in a little while, just as soon as he writes what he’s needed to for a long time now.

_Once upon a time there was an archangel named Gabriel and Dean, a human who had no idea what he was getting himself into...._

Forty-five minutes later and Dean tiptoes out of the bathroom, shoves the book back in his suitcase and in-between his clothes, and crawls back into Gabriel’s soft and waiting arms. He pretends he doesn’t notice, but Gabriel nevertheless whispers a promise into his hair and curls tighter around him.

Whatever the dark road, they can face it.

 

* * *

 

  



End file.
